I need help please

[P17]

P17, there is one thing I really want - get rid of the fear - I am full of fear for the last 8 months and I want this to stop.

You won't get rid of the fear, ever, unless you embrace it. That sounds like big fancy psychobabble but what it means it that you must look at what you fear and work through it to realise that most of it is not rational.

I have started to read 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus - Starting Over' by John Gray. He says that the four healing emotions are anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. If you feel one (in your case fear) and it's overwhelming, switch to another to allow you to feel better. It does actually work, at least for me.

I have been full of fear every step of the way since Day 1 - fear of losing him, fear of his anger, fear of not knowing what he is going to do next,fear of pushing him more towards divorce...

Step number 1 in this case, stop beating yourself up about it. Every single one of us, and I wouldn't hesitate to say WITHOUT EXCEPTION, has felt these exact same fears.

1. You have no control over losing him. You didn't lose him. He walked away. You had no control over that. You need to accept that and it is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but you need to accept it to be able to move forward at all. You accept it by grieving for your M. The end of an M is like the end of a life. It's the same process you need to go through.

2, 3 and 4. These are not important to YOU. These have nothing to do with YOU. If you accept 1 above, he has no more control or power over you and these no longer matter to you.

5. If he wants to D, he will. If you accept 1 above then by the time it comes around you will have GAL'd your socks off and you will be able to handle it. This is what I am doing - getting myself healthy so by the time the D comes around I will be able to handle it properly.

You will always feel fear. The trick is to not let it control you. Your H has all the power just now. When you let go of the rope that you are dearly holding onto, his power goes.

I have been on the marriagebuilders forum since April and I wasn't able to apply any of the plans which were recommended out of fear. I didn't expose to his family as I had no real proof of his first affair so I said nothing,I din't confront him about OW2 as I was afraid of his anger about the way I found out(logging into his IM),I am even afraid to write him a NC letter as I am afraid to refer to adulterous behaviour in the letter(because the first affair I can't proof and the second one is not seen as affair)

An affair, in my mind, and in Google's is when a married person engages in a 'relationship' with somebody who is not their spouse.

An affair; an adulterous relationship. Used colloquially to distinguish which type of affair, leaving less room for doubt
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/love_affair

Don't get tied up with semantics. Your H was / is having an affair.

You are a wife, you found out about the A by being secretive. How is that different than what he was doing. We all do the spying, stop beating yourself up about that as well.

I am afraid to make a fool out of myself.

Why? What have you got to lose? You are CERTAIN he is having an affair? how can you make a fool of yourself then? Tell the truth. People will make their own minds up. WAS's HATE the truth because it ruins their little world.

Even though I have lost him already I am still so afraid and I don't know why.

It's fear of the unknown. Fear of loneliness? Fear of being on your own? Fear of finances? Fear of his wrath?

You can't control ANY of these things unless you can control yourself.

We all fear the loneliness and your H is too. That's why he has an OW, to fill that empty pit. However a safe and secure adult has to feel lonely to feel secure in themselves. Work through the loneliness and you will be a better person at the end of it.

You won't be on your own - you have your kids and you WILL find somebody else.

Your finances you said would be sorted in January so no fear there.

Fear of his wrath? He is a child. Be is mummy. He acts like a child, ignore it, don't reward it. He acts like an adult you can act like his wife / partner / friend / ex-wife / whatever.

And my biggest fear - that I was wrong and he didn't have an affair back in April and that money and the business were the reason my marriage failed and that everything else was just in my head.

That's called blaming yourself. He is 50% in this too.

What does your gut tell you?

If fear is what bothers you most then you need to work through it. If you can't DB your husband then maybe you should consider other options to allow YOU to heal over this. While your husband is behaving like a big kid, you can't get time, space or peace to do that. Until you do that you are going to put yourself through more pain and hurt. Remember, this is about YOU and what YOU need. If you need to heal, then you need to do whatever is needed for you to do that.

Take back YOUR power from him (as he holds it all just now) and you will see the dynamics in your sitch change very quickly.