Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

By him saying "I want to do more things with you and baby and see where it goes" leaves it so in limbo.

I actually think this is okay...because...when people are newly dating, you don't say, hey lets see where this goes...you just do it. But because you guys were married, anything kind of R that you guys start will ultimately say that you are together because you'll be a M couple again. So him saying this is still not leading you to think that everything is okay, but instead just to see what happens. This should be your thinking too because he is totally not ready to commit yet. IMHO.

total agreement...

does that make sense?

It does to me.

and yes, it needs to be about him making YOUR cut. not the other way around.

also, your thought about him wanting to be with baby...isn't that a good thing too? I mean, it's not good if that is his only goal..and I don't think it is...I think that is part of it. We do want him to be part of her life right, or want to be part of it?

why the hell isn't it just fine for him to want to be a good dad and get close to the child? That IS the main thing to me. It's the only thing he can do that is pure right now, for which no painful past or obstacle course exists. Why make this about you first? Why is it either or? You are being far too needy--- and that leads to self centeredness...It bothers me that you want this to be mainly about you. That's not realistic, not mature and not all that selfless. I would think that the safest thing for you to do now, is to see how he is as a father, over time. Then, maybe, you might have an interest in him as a man. But put your d first. Raise her, and grow yourself...

you know what else...I think he needs to show you that he can be alone for a time. he's never without a woman. he needs to learn how to be himself.

Amen...

S2, just b/c you don't like what you see, doesn't mean it isn't there. I think more clarity exists in your sitch than you realize. Love is a verb and that means action. It is not passive. What's he done to get back into your life? Well, seems he's exercising his fatherly rights and wants to get close to the child you have. It's a start for him, to get back into her life...and for that, I say "THANK GOD!"

Now you want to know if "that's all" ---as if it's a bad thing. What were you expecting him to know at this point? You both barely know if there'll be a fight about the hour you pick her up or if you can take a walk with him since he has to have "supervised" visits, etc. It'd be insane for him to assume he could move on two fronts at once, you and her and whatever else in his life, when he can barely handle what seem to be normal things for men to handle. Like commitments and responsibility and sobriety. Doesn't he have other children? Where are they and how are his r's with them? Did he ever do any of the AA 12 steps? Did he try to make amends to you or apologize for what drinking did to your marriage or to his behavior? If not, that's hugely bad news for you...so be honest about it b/c one of the steps is making a moral inventory of oneself, and another is then making amends to those whom we harmed. These are among the hallmarks of successful recoveries and marriages that survive an addiction issue. (I'm familiar with this).

AS an aside, don't freak out about him being with the baby and then "wanting more" as in, wanting more time with her. Isn't that the idea here? That the more involved he is as a dad, the better the bond is between him and her? That's good for her and him. And, yes, more value/pleasure he gets in that R may yield increased interest in a R with you, as a byproduct. But please don't use her as a carrot/stick or make their time together, all about how it affects you. Your d needs to know that her two parents, flawed as we all are, love her deeply. Her interests must come before yours. That's what is best for HER.Please note that very few WASs are successfully "guilted" or shamed back into a marriage, at least not for long. (Oh If LBSers only realized that earlier). God knows I wasted my breath asking my h questions that always created defensiveness, e.g. ALL questions beginning with the word 'why'...as in "WHY DID YOU....??" OR "How could you do x??" Those queries will lead to fights or a WAS leaving...they're not designed for real answers if you think about it....you honestly think your h will slap his forehead and say "OMG now that you put it that way, I feel guilt-which reminds me of all the good times we had-- and has rekindled the love I have for you AND the ability to recommit has resurfaced...thanks!"

Sorry but it does not work that way and I know it from experience. I'm a L and made what I considered thoughtful and even brilliant arguments I'm sure would have persuaded the Supreme Court that I was 'right'....but it made no diff to h. I could not reach him. That had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him...and fwiw, it's better to be happy than "right"...

Don't confuse being stuck, with "standing" for a m...they are not the same. Plus you are divorced anyhow. (Though I have 2 diff relatives who div and remarried their x's years later. But in their cases, All 4 people each made huge inner changes and improvements in themselves, so that when they reconciled, which none of them had anticipated and all had GAL and detached they made it so much better than before. The 2nd time around was better! So it does happen)).

But there's an awful lot of toxic interaction going on here and some of it is on your end my friend. And that's good news. You know why? B/C the worst news to get when you see a mc, is that you are "right" and that your spouse is a "wrong" loser. Why is that bad for you? B/C Then, there's nothing you can do. They suck and you can't change them. But if you have a problem or an issue, then you have some control over outcome. You can control you. You can work on you and change your life and where the head goes, the heart will follow. It's WONDERFUL to have a problem and not to be "right"! Make sense? Hope so. Have you read much about detachment? And what did you make of the DB books? You don't use a lot of the terminology which makes me think you need to refresh yourself with them. They can and do work.

Anyhow there are some questions I asked that you have not answered...e.g., is he going to AA and are you attending Al-anon, among others? What are your GAL activities and 180's??

If posting here helps you, keep it up. But What else are you doing? What are your GAL activities? What are you doing that are 180's from your previous self? By now, there should be several...make sure you aren't spinning your wheels. It's amazing how much time we waste doing that and your happiness, your "days & nights" still revolve
around what your last interaction with him was like. You are seriously over analyzing and obsessing and that's a form of pursuit and worse, it stunts your growth. [color:#CC0000]"Victory" in these situations cannot be measured by how happy or miserable the x is, but how you are doing in your life.

You need to do as your thread says and move on...in some direction and you are letting him decide that-- when he cannot b/c he is lost. Consider this analogy: If your life were a novel, would you like how it's been going? What would you like the next chapter to be like? Who should be writing this novel, (e.g., your xh)?

Be the author of your own life/book. No one else will take responsibility for your happiness - so you better do it. What's stopping you?
J-[/color]