Is my Wife Cheating?

[sandi2]

although I don’t want to believe she is already too far gone. I am not sure if it's healthy for anyone to play the waiting game. I'll stick it out for a while, and play it day by day

I think you misunderstood what I said about her being too far gone. I was not talking about her being too far gone for there to be hope in working the M out. I was saying that I think she was too far into the A (at the time she was busted) for her to be all that she's pretending to be with you. She is not over the OM. If the A had been caught and stopped at the very beginning of her attraction to him....then it may have been in time (before all the chemicals hit her brain). But after she was so deep in the EA and probably PA, I just don't believe she can switch off like a light. I believe she will "try" and see if she can still contact him. (BTW, have you read up about those chemicals and how it affects a WAS?)

So...it didn’t matter much what your H did, or did not do?

I'm not exactly sure how you mean this. I don't think he could control the state of my mind, b/c I was really messed up in my EA.

I want to tell you something here. I have never said this, but I believe there is something with each woman that would (if you chose to use it) hit her where it hurt the most. If you want to bust the A and cause her to either stay with you or D you......I think you know what would affect her more than anything else. We could only guess.....but you are her H and know her the best of any. What is that one important thing that would weigh the most? What is more important to her than an A?

My H did not do this, but I can tell you what could have happen in my case. If he had said, "Sandi, if I am not convinced that you are completely through contacting the OM and that the EA is over....never to be started again, then I will first expose you to your children, grandchild & family members. After I have told them, then I will take you before our Church and tell them that you are not the person they always thought you to be. They will believe that everything you ever did in the Church was a farce. Then you will have to deal with the aftermath"

That was my number one fear! So, it would have went down one of two ways: I would have gotten my act together REAL FAST, or I would have been stupid enough to turn my back on my family and leave my home ....and go to OM. I would have left if I thought I was ruined in my home town. Did you see in the paragraph above what was the sword that would have split my soul into? Most people would think it would be my children, and that was huge but honestly that wasn't the thing that would have topped it all.

I did tell him that if he ever told my children that I would hate him until the day I died. (That was the day after everything hit the fan.) He didn't say a word.....he just gave me a long steady "look".

There has been one thing in my life that (as ironic as it sounds)I have held valuable and worked on all my life. I did not want that flushed down the drain..

I cannot honestly tell you what I would have done b/c I was not myself. I think if my H had exposed me to everyone.....I would have left and went to OM. Of course that would have been disasterous. I think my M would have been over b/c I think I would have hated my H for a while......until I came out of the fog. I can only tell you that for me....that was the biggest thing he could have held over my head about the A.

You have to decide what you think is the most valuable to her and if you want to trod those grounds. You have to realize that she may leave and hate you for the rest of her life. But.....what are the alternatives? Do you want to go on and pretend that you think everything is okay and wait it out until the A fizzles?

I can tell you that I have no desire to even think about the OM. I look back and it seems like a terrible nightmare. So....A's do end and you can heal and move on with your life. Only you know what you can stand to do.....what you can live with....and can't live with. You know what compromises your integrity.

I believe the LBH has to draw boundaries, be strong, firm, respected, and strict with the WAW. He takes a chance in losing her love forever by doing this.......but anyother way will guarantee losing her love. Bear in mind, that whatever you do.....and whatever you say......you do not want that to come back to haunt you if you reconcile. As long as you can carry your actions out in love, then I think that will be a good measuring stick.

So, you are probably wondering "what" my H did do. Well, he didn't have DB techniques, but I found this board......and I begin to get my eyes open after a while. It was more of a spiritual conviction with me. I have to face God every day of my life.....and I knew a whipping was coming if I didn't straighten up. (From God...not my H) It has been a long road for us, but I have learned to respect my H and by reading posts from the LBH's, I see the pain I caused him. My H was not a pushover. I saw a side of him I had never seen before. He meant for it to stop! However, I know that women can find ways to contact OM, so even if she's threatened to be exposed....she can still go deeper undercover. She has to be willing and honest and it can't be some "cover-up" game for her.

My H would never have left our house. He just wouldn't. He told me once that he would throw this computer out the back door and smash it to bits if he found where I had contacted OM.

Well.....this is long. I don't know that I said a word to help you.....I mainly rambled. My stitch was a little more on the unusual side, IMHO. But, I had all the symptoms and actions of a WAW. I thought it was over the night it really hit the fan. But that ......will be three years ago, here in a few months. So Oblivious....we are doing good.