How would he feel if he thought you may really spill the beans about what had been going on?
He would certainly be embarrassed, but overall he doesn't think he did anything wrong. After all, I was the one with confidence issues and needed medication and was c**kblocking with my bad vibes and who didn't speak up so how could he know I wasn't happy about being a swinger, or anything else for that matter? *Certainly the fact that I would avoid meeting couples until and unless he got aggravated about a lack of extra-curricular action wasn't a clue. *My telling him that I felt like a dumb hooker wasn't a clue (I just had a bad attitude and needed to get back out there). *My telling him that it hurt to see him f***ing another woman wasn't a clue (It shouldn't hurt because we agreed that this was OK for us). *My throwing up the first time we were another couple wasn't a clue (Blamed the alcohol. He enjoyed the afterglow while I was sick in the bathroom). *Deciding the night of our first time swinging was a good time to tell me about his infidelity was an act of closeness.
See, not his fault, these were my issues... Not that anyone from his side will ever know those things- they will continue to think he's a sweet guy, so I must have issues... It's not fair, but he's certainly not going to fess up to any of those things.
Sorry- venting.
I don't want to trash him to others, but sometimes I wish other people, especially his family, knew what he was really like.
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
(((((Bunny))))) Yep, that makes a lot of sense. Telling what he has done also means you have to tell what you've done. Besides, in the long run, is it really important that his family know that he is a cad? I think it's really a private issue between the two of you (and any C's that might get to try to help, if that happens any more). Vent here!
Don't worry- I'm not saying anything to anybody. I'm keeping it to "we had issues", "irreconcilable differences" or something vague like that.
And I decided I don't really want to get into any R talks with H either unless and until he can take responsibility for his issues. It's pointless otherwise. Talking only about the kids and family is nice- no pressure in those topics. And you guys are right- the quiet is helpful right now. Chester Bunny is good company- he doesn't say anything, just hops in circles around me.
H told me that the first thing that friends and family on his side of the fence ask is "why now? before the holidays?"" Because that was the right decision for me." And it's not like I can give them part of the honest answer- I felt emotionally beat up. Why not? It's the truth. And I guess his friends must not have been too surprised overall if their concern was the timing, not the fact that I actually left. Of course not. They know the kind of man he is. They've heard him talk about you and can surmise the kind of H he is. I'll bet that they knew H wasn't happy, but not any of the background story- so I look like the irrational WAW. Nah. You're mind reading.
H is still peeved that I talked to S19 about seeing the MC. Too damned bad. He feels that was totally a major-league bone-head move on my part. Doesn't he feel that way about most of your "moves", decisions, actions? Screw him.I respectfully disagree, and I think we should have had discussion with D17 also. So, do so. On your own. You're allowed.
He also stands by his statements that I distorted reality at the MC sessions by presenting myself so well- according to H, that was not the person he lived with everyday. He does however regret lashing out as he did when he first told me about these feelings. Gee, thanks...Pure crap
He's still being nice at the moment. He's offered to help set up a couple things around the townhouse. I'd suggest, "Thanks, but no thanks. I got it covered.
It's too quiet around here. D17 has yet to stay the night, but she has come over for dinner a couple times. She's still having a hard time with this. She will for quite some time to come. Listen to her. Validate. Commiserate. Don't explain. S19 is done with his college semester this week, and he plans to spend a lot of time at the townhouse over winter break. So he's the opposite- I need to remind him to spend time with his Dad.
It's way too quiet, and I'm really tired but I have a hard time making myself go to bed at night, and I haven't figured why yet. Maybe I'm just not feeling settled in yet. Um, yeah. Much disruption. There's still daily contact with H for one thing or another, I need to get away from that. Go dark. Or dim at the very least. And it's not just me- he initiates just as much as I do. And I know I need GAL activities before I sink into a hole. Then, get started girl! Pick one and do it.
I'm rambling again. I'm tired, and I better turn the light out- good night all.
And good night to you, from The Rambler-In-Chief!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I don't want to trash him to others, but sometimes I wish other people, especially his family, knew what he was really like.
yep.. hear you on this one. I have never told anyone in his family about the abuse, verbal or otherwise.
Your H will first & foremost be their son/brother/cousin/uncle... etc. he won't "swing" in those roles, but he will be self-centered, arrogant, narcissitic, controlling, angry, disrespectful, etc...
time does do the talking ...
((bunny))
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
How would he feel if he thought you may really spill the beans about what had been going on?
He would certainly be embarrassed, but overall he doesn't think he did anything wrong. After all, I was the one with confidence issues and needed medication and was c**kblocking with my bad vibes and who didn't speak up so how could he know I wasn't happy about being a swinger, or anything else for that matter? *Certainly the fact that I would avoid meeting couples until and unless he got aggravated about a lack of extra-curricular action wasn't a clue. *My telling him that I felt like a dumb hooker wasn't a clue (I just had a bad attitude and needed to get back out there). *My telling him that it hurt to see him f***ing another woman wasn't a clue (It shouldn't hurt because we agreed that this was OK for us). *My throwing up the first time we were another couple wasn't a clue (Blamed the alcohol. He enjoyed the afterglow while I was sick in the bathroom). *Deciding the night of our first time swinging was a good time to tell me about his infidelity was an act of closeness.
See, not his fault, these were my issues... Not that anyone from his side will ever know those things- they will continue to think he's a sweet guy, so I must have issues... It's not fair, but he's certainly not going to fess up to any of those things.
Sorry- venting.
I don't want to trash him to others, but sometimes I wish other people, especially his family, knew what he was really like.
You're wrong. He'd freak at the thought of it. You could say "he was living the swinging lifestyle and tried pressuring me into it. to share me with strange men. Deal breaker."
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
