Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thanks Sandi,

It's been a long year. In many ways the worst year of my life. In other ways the best.

I think I am in an unusual (but by far not unique) position on the boards here. My w is not leaving - no way, no how. She has looked at the impact on her lifestyle and has backed away from the brink. The EA is over and she likes the comfortable family life we have together. She doesn't want a D. At the same time she is unrepentant, full of blame, and hasn't changed her position on a r with me. She hasn't taken responsibility for anything she has done and continues to claim (whenever asked) that there can never be a good M between us.

I, On the other hand, have gone from clinging desperately, to being on the brink of walking away.

But for now, there is a truce. Her mother is dying of cancer and I am going to support her through this. Later we both have decisions to make, but for now she is my wife and she needs my support.

[sandi2]

but for now she is my wife and she needs my support.

If I were your mother....I would be so proud.

It took me a long time before rependence found my heart. I "knew" what I had done was wrong, but I had so much resentment toward my H that I just couldn't seem to get past that. If he had not made that statement he did the day after the stuff hit the fan and said he had never done anything wrong......maybe it would not have taken so long before I felt true remose. I knew he meant that he had not been the one who strayed, but it just hit a bad nerve with me b/c he has always been seen as such a "good guy" by everyone.....and I knew he wasn't. Yes, he is good....but I had my reasons for having issues with him. None excused an EA...but he wasn't perfect, either, and that was how his statement hit me.

What I'm trying to say is that LBH's talk a lot about how their WW has not apologized to them. I remember when I wrote a very harsh post to a LBH (newbie)about why his WW had not given him any apology.....and I thought the entire board was coming after my hide! You can imagine what PDT had to say about that! The truth was that I was still having to deal with my own issues even though I had been on the board for several months at that time. (Remember, I was still in an EA when I first arrived here.)

I think that most LBH's just don't realize how long it takes a WAW to come out of her fog, come to terms with the A, grieve over OM, face her sins, try to forgive herself and then get the energy to work on a R she thought was doom and she had emotionally D. You know how we talk about "baby-steps" all the time? Well, these step here are baby-steps for the WAW. They are slow and painful and she feels like the harlot of all time. Even though her H has been able to forgive her and still wants to stay M to her.....it is so hard. It is as if she is willing life to be restored into something dead. BTW, my remose was not felt all at once, but was like in stages. I don't know how to describe it. I don't think I could have handled it if it has all came down on me in one load. But each time it came....more of it would crash down on me. I was so harden that I even prayed that God would help me to feel the remose that I needed, in order to be able to move on in our lives. Isn't that terrible? I don't think I've told anyone that before. But I thought something was seriously wrong with me not to be sorry for what I had done! I think a lot of my "feelings" or lack of them...had to do with me being on so much meds at the time, but I won't get off into all of that.

Well, that is from my POV, and more my story than yours....and some WW are faster at repenting than others. I wish I could tell a newbie that his WW will make amends and their M will be back on track in a couple of weeks, but I think a couple of years is probably more like it. However, I don't tell them that (even though they ask me) b/c I know it will be too discouraging. But, Mr. & Mrs. Sandi made it and so will the Thinkers! Limbo is hard on the LBH and some day you may have to do something to sake things up a bit to get her out of her zone. In the meantime, I hope you won't be too stressed during the holidays and that you can look forward to a better year. I was concerned about you being "done" there at one time.....but you are going to be okay.

Take care my friend.

Sandi

[chatterbug]

Sandi. Powerful stuff.

{{hugs}}

[sandi2]

ohhhhh, thank you cutter. I hope it may help somebody.

[Thinker]

Thanks Sandi !

[Energizer Bunny]

Thanks for sharing Sanding.

Good luck and Happy Holidays Thinker.

[Thinker]

Haven't posted here in a while because there haven't really been any changes.

I'm working and getting ready for Christmas. Mrs. T and I are hanging out together a bit in the evenings and laughing at the pre-Christmas antics of the kids.

Hope all is well with out there.

[givingitmyall]

Sounds peaceful.

[Gardener]

Sandi

I think that most LBH's just don't realize how long it takes a WAW to come out of her fog, come to terms with the A, grieve over OM, face her sins, try to forgive herself and then get the energy to work on a R she thought was doom and she had emotionally D.

Very good. I never even considered this. Must be quite applicable toa WAW without OM, too.

[sandi2]

Sandi
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think that most LBH's just don't realize how long it takes a WAW to come out of her fog, come to terms with the A, grieve over OM, face her sins, try to forgive herself and then get the energy to work on a R she thought was doom and she had emotionally D. Very good. I never even considered this. Must be quite applicable toa WAW without OM, too.

Thanks Garner. I try hard not to ever show that I support the WAW when there is the idea of her wanting to prowl or if there is an OP. However, I know a little of what she goes through when coming back from an EA experience (haven't experienced PA personally).

My H was not one to ask questions about my feelings toward OM, etc., but he kept saying that he needed to know that I was willing to throw 100% into working on our M. The problem I had at that moment was I had thrown myself into my M 100% all those years before and I was exhausted and had mentally & emotionally given up and was why I was vulnerable to the EA when it happened. I was still exhausted and trying so hard to deal with not continuing my EA....not contacting OM, etc. So, all I could give my H at that time....was to tell him that I was willing....to be willing. That was as much as I could do right then. He wanted to see me completely turned back into the old Sandi overnight....and it couldn't happen that quickly. He told me he wanted his old W back, and I told him I wanted that too but that she just wasn't there right then but I would try hard to find her again. It was so slow in coming and sometimes I don't know if I am completely the old Sandi or not or if I ever will be....but I think I'm as close as I can be for right now.

As I have said....I had a lot of health issues to deal with and that kept me from being like my old self....and I probably won't be able to do the activities I once did, but the R is healthy now.

BTW, last year, my health was so down that I was not able to put up a Christmas tree or do anything for my family. We had our get together at my Mothers and I was so sick I had to force myself to even be there. But this year, I have decorated my house and they are planning to be here. So....my health is doing better more days now, and I am very thankful about that. Baby steps.....baby steps......