Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

25..thank you. Very good post and you are right too. The cycle has been a long one and very repetative.

I have been thinking about what to do. Do I just go back to ignoring him or do I ask him upfront "wtf is going on? What are your intentions? How committed are you and how can you prove it?"

He probably does not know. Plus even if he did, if you "reconcile" and you don't get along, all bets are off anyhow...and probably on your end as well.

See...what I guess I am afraid of is by pushing with those questions he will get defensive and back off. Then again, if he does then it shows what his intentions are doesn't it? He runs. Always has. Things get hard, he feels smothered, or someone pushes him into a corner he will run.

We're talking about YOU setting a boundary you enforce. I doubt you've done that much and I sense a lot of co-dependency in you and neediness....not many women put up this for such a long time and so little in return (he's not Tiger Woods paying you a ton of money to stay m)

By him saying "I want to do more things with you and baby and see where it goes" leaves it so in limbo.

How so? He wants to build some rapport with you and test the waters to see if you'll freak out or get controlling again or snoop or obsess, which you are about to do...lighten up and back off and decide what you can tolerate and what the heck YOU want. I don't think you know or if you do, it's that you want a crystal ball. None of us have one...

Another statement he loves to use is I always make him out to be the bad one in the M that I obviously did things to contribute. Funny thing is I have never said I was perfect.

Yeah but it's clear in your eyes that he's the "bad guy"...you know that as well as we do. So own up to the fact that you would indeed do things differently if you had the chance, and that you have learned a lot about yourself too. Pick one specific flaw you are working on, and own it, out loud, to him. See this ability as a strength of yours and not a weakness or a concession. He wants to know you'll lose the score card and you need to do that fast b/c you do have one and I can see it. Guess what? They have their own score cards and in viewing your m history you will NEVER use the same factors in scoring. So don't bother revisiting all the issues of the past b/c you will not agree. What matters is going forward, into your future together an seeing that similarly...can he keep his vows, and show you that by action, or not? And whatever else you guys have going on has to be addressed, like his drinking. Is he in AA or not? Are you attending Al-Anon and if not, why not?

You need to show him you "get it" and that you two could be happy together, IF he can keep his vows...simple, not complicated, but can be too hard for some men. If so, lose him now.

So, how do you ask him to step up without it looking like an ulitmatum or a control thing?

It's called "Boundary Setting" and there are books about it and c's and t's who can help you with this. I got help from a good MC, so don't be offended when I say that I think you need professional help. I got it, thank GOD...I was depressed when h left and confused as heck. I wasn't sure what being healthy and assertive was, versus being a punitive "lesson teacher" (which IS ALWAYS punitive b/c it not our job to "teach" our spouses life's lessons, life does that, and God). In the past, our m had been a very strong one, we had really been life partners in all our choices and decisions, so h's behavior really confused me. For a long time. I wasted so much time on trying to understand him but I don't think even now, that he understands all his choices...but he regrets many of them. And again, what matters is us going forward and agreeing on our future.

In your case, much of this does not sound out of character for your h but rather is the culmination of years of misbehavior or poor choices and you or his family enabling it to worsen until it came to a head 2 years ago (??)...
If this is not out of character then you need that much more help so you can learn why you'd endure this kind of self inflicted misery (and what your previous M was like as well.)

I dont' know any of this b/c I still don't have your past sitch well understood. But I think Your h is not a typical MLCer so I wouldn't go there much, b/c in there are at least 2 other dimensions to this; his drinking--huge flag and his OW's and their serial existence. It's not as if he had one "real love of my life" story which would also suck but for diff reasons...
GOod luck,keep posting but be ready to ACT and then don't keep second guessing yourself. Know what I mean?
j