I believe my husband has been going through a MLC since January 2009. We have been separated since August. He just broke up with the OW who is pregnant with his baby at Thanksgiving. He swears he is through with her.
He has told me that we will never get back together, that he faked loving me for years and that he only likes me as a friend. I really find this hard to believe because all the cards he gave me on special occasions indicated that he really loved me. We have also been intimate all this year and several different times he has told me he loves me.
Is this just another phase of his MLC? Or could he really have lost all feelings of love for me? How should I handle this? I love this man and would love for us to start a new relationship since I believe the old relationship is dead.
If you believe he is in MLC then I would proceed that way.
Do you have kids? And, something to think about, how involved will he be in this new childs life (and he should be beaten with a stick IMO if he isn't) and is that something your are really willing to accept?
You are in a tough spot. I can't share experience as far as OW and child with her, I'm sure others here can.
We both have 2 children from our first marriage. We dated in high school, broke up, he joined the army, I married, he came home and got married. We got back together in 1991. Our children our now 20, 20, 19, and 18.
He wants to try to get custody of the child with the OW as she has smoked pot while pregnant with his baby. I am sure I can accept the baby just not going to like the interaction with the ow. He isnt the first married man she has had a relationship with. This is her 3rd time pregnant and never married. She lost her second child last year. She is only 25.
He keeps emphasizing that we are only friends and that he never loved me. I don't even bring up anything about our relationship. I thanked him in an email for helping with some stuff at my house and he said "that is what FRIENDS are for".
The man in MLC is very confused they all say similar things "They dont love us we dont love them they tried for years we could love someone else more" they rewrite history the thing is that MLC takes a long time there is no formula here just a few sugestions try to be his friend validaty him create a friendship and wait wait wait it out in the mean time work on you get therapy exercise prayer meditate journel work make new friends take up a hobby heal yourslef evaluate your M to see where what could have been better let H go if hes in mlc, he will nedd much space and time to figure it all out there is nothing we can do this is there journey alone..and we have ours peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
one more suggestion watch the finances make sure everything that is yours is seperate they lie a lot...they steal..they spend and have secret accounts and credit cards they go in debt and bring us with them remember the crises is real they rae different men be smart about whats yours..and take it peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think rewriting the history that we shared with our spouses is one of the wackiest signs of MLC and one of the most frustrating for me in the beginning.
My MC said today..H either rewrote or history to validate his current decision(b/c how can you up and leave someone you loved for years?) or he deceived himself all these years and is just now realizing and sharing his "epiphany"...Either way it stinks.
Your past with your H wasn't a sham even though him denying it makes it feel so. You were there and you know how you felt and how he felt at certain points in time...do't argue with him-its pointless...its part of the alien abduction.
Hang in there-there are lots of us here to provide support!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Your past with your H wasn't a sham even though him denying it makes it feel so. You were there and you know how you felt and how he felt at certain points in time...do't argue with him-its pointless...its part of the alien abduction.
I really think he has to keep telling himself that he didn't love me for years so that he believes it. He isn't a very good actor so I doubt he could lie to me for years and years.
I am trying to be his friend which is hard when I want more. We actually hung out a lot more when he was with the ow then we do now that he dumped her. Sometimes I think he is afraid to hang out with me now that he is "free".
Cynmad, Keep the faith. Time is your friend. I'm in the boat with you and the MLC adventure. He is scared and confused. Give him his space and keep working on you.
M-43 H-43 M-17 T-20
D-8 S-1 Bomb 8/09-OW-Depression-MLC
Last edited by January girl; 12/09/0902:55 PM.
M-44 H-44 D9 S1 M-17 T-20 Bomb-8/09 EA/PA/MLC H moved out 2/4/10
It's not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.-Roy Disney
My ex was sending cards and emails even after he started his online affair. At first, he said he hadn't loved me for a year or so, then it became 2 years, then 5 years, then for the last 20 years. I even showed him the 20 yr anniversary card that said how he looked forward to our retirement when we would rock on the porch together, and he said he was just trying to convince himself that he loved me. It is all a bunch of BS that they all say. I don't think it is retricted to MLC but is just something that all cheating spouses do to get rid of the guilt. It is sad that my ex even told the children that we were never happy and all that other garbage. They know better. In a way, divorce is more painful than losing a spouse through death because they are rewriting history and we look back on all those happy memories with doubt. I kept many of those cards just to remind myself that it really was a happy marriage and that I really was loved all those years.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Halfmissing--love the S8's advice!! Mine have said similar things!! Too funny!
Cynmad-I am so sorry you are going thru this, the baby thing would make me crazy, you seem to handling it very well. My XH said all the things yours is too! He is still with OW and swears that they will never break up! Whatever! We have lost everything!! Today, I signed away my house to "short sale" there is a buyer and we lose the house Jan. 8th, which means XH will stop paying me alimony. I got very, very screwed in the divorce, so be very careful with the finances like everyone says. I have saved all the cards, letters, poems, everything! XH never denies that he loved me, in fact he says he never stopped loving me just fell in love with someone else. It is just plain crazy talk! Love is a feeling, commitment is marriage! You can always bring love back! I know one day my XH is going to hit rock bottom and realize all he has lost..all he has left is his job and OW! Our kids won't have much to do with him at all and we live 700 miles away! Everything they say is to make themselves feel justified in what they have done! And, mine puts all his anger at himself onto me! I have gone completely dark, will not answer his texts, e-mails, nothing. Should be interesting with Christmas coming and all the plans that should be being made and aren't as far as the kids go. He told me he will work it out with the kids...good luck! Hang in there, this is a difficult season for many!
I agree it would be much, much easier if he were dead! My dad tells me all the time to pretend he is dead, now I am really going to do that and see what happens!
Me-39 XH-42 M-17+ T-21 D16, S14, D10 Bomb- 7/07 moves out-9/07 back-12/07 out again-7/08 D-5/09 find out he was back with OW since 2/08--9/09 moving on!!
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
