Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

I just realized something--it has been 11 months since I discovered the A. Maybe I could stick it out for another year.

What else would I be doing if we D'd? Dating aimlessly? Being with my son less? Everything else would be the same... working out, cooking, going to events, improving my housekeeping skills.

I just saw a post that referred to a woman who tried to date to make her WAH jealous and it backfired on her!

So now I am nervous about my plan to be mysterious! couldn't I still tell him I am going to a wine tasting party? the mystery is he doesn't know the people but he can be assured it's not a date.

????

[ravenly1974]

Hi there! I've been addicted to your blog now for awhile!

I wanted to add something about letting your WH think you are dating.

I think it is ok to just plant the seed for him to ponder the idea of it. He is going to need to really consider this as a possiblity in the future regardless.

I know my H's biggest fear EVER is the idea that his baby girl and son will look at another man as their father - that this foreign man will have more access to his kids than he will.

Your H really needs to swish that possibility in his mind, IMO. Not that you have to actually date, but eventually you will.

From my (limited) point of view in reading through your entire thread, your WH has it made in the shade and is totally cake eating right now. Unfortunately, he is also building memories and getting more entrenched in his new life and trying to figure out how to mesh his old life with the newlife w/ OW. I think you being so sweet, nice and there for him is making it very easy for to make this transition. He sees/knows that getting back w/ you as a possibility - there are NO threats on his side or with his baby. (Yet, he is putting you through those threats by taking baby to OW,,,,awful!) I think if he actually considers the possibility, that could make him REALLY understand to the full extent of what he is doing.

[ravenly1974]

Can you imagine what he will think if he knows the possibility exists that some other man could see your sons first steps or hear his first words? Right now, that thought may not exist, at least not to where he fully feels it as a possibility.

I think you have done an amazing job so far, really amazing! I love what you wrote earlier about leaving the rosy memories, the yummy meals, happy attitude, but then shutting the bakery - perhaps to reopen for a nother man to fill those shoes in his absence.

[newmama]

Ravenly, thank you for your opinion! I know it's crazy that I am doubting doing something that every person tells me I should do. Seriously, only 3 people on the internet have doubted this decision. My family, friends and in laws say to do it--the same people who support my decision to stay in the marriage.

The reason I still question it is because I am scared it will make him think I do want the D now and he should let me go.I guess he would at least discuss it with me first, right?

I guess it is necessary. It's like the game playing we do when dating (at first). Oh isn't human psychology fascinating?

BTW The new memories with the OW have 5 years of tradition to compete against. And who are they celebrating with? Her enabling family? Not his!

[ravenly1974]

I completely understand your concern - totally!! (Although I seriously doubt he would just up and D you because you are now suddenly unavailable - I doubt this is his motive for waiting this long)

What about just planting the seed - nothing definite just clues that point in that direction? Use the GOOD = BAD, BAD = GOOD theory on HIM.

Next time he comes over, act as if you are so excited to leave you are practically bursting out the door. Dress up really sexy, (I'm thinking a cute plaid school-girl skirt, fishnet stockings and cute boots paired w/ a snug fitting top) put on some different perfume, leave some victoria's secret bags folded up discreetly yet where you know they'll be spotted.

Come home gushing with happiness, daydreaminess and sexy confidence. Barely look at him, as if your happiness is truly your own without him. I bet it will make him wonder.



That should make him wonder, without saying or doing anything.

[ravenly1974]

Yes, it is just like when we are first dating! Most people want what they cannot have. It is human nature.

Right now, he truly has the best of both worlds. He has an amazing wife who has given an open invitation to a delicious life. You've given him the slightest taste of what it could be like. Now, I think that by shutting off that invitation, and FORCING him to be on the outside looking in at what he is NOW missing, will force him to realize what he has lost in you. Let him sit on the other side of the window looking in, unable to join in on all the fun, and the great life you have created for yourself, your son and potentially a new man who will treat you great.

Have an amazign Xmas party, WITHOUT him. Let him see all the fruits of what you have sown, and he was not able to enjoy. Let him go back to that LAME O party that OW has thrown - complete without his precious baby boy.

[P17]

If you're going to date, tell him. I sent a text to W, which got absolutely no reaction. Not sure if she cared or not but it was a good text.

If you search my thread for messages from PuppyDogTails then you will find it.

Was short and to the point.

[newmama]

P17, thanks--if I decide to date, I will tell him. But I'm not dating!

The outfit I have in mind is a dark purple low cut wrap blouse that accentuates my waist and hips with a necklace that will draw the eye to the cleavage! My body isn't ready for a skirt yet...need a few more months!

Ravenly, thanks for the compliment about being an "amazing" wife haha! I don't know how great I was before but what ticks me off is that I wasn't done improving and growing! We were barely married! Oh well, now I am doing a good job and won't revert to my lazy ways. Ever.

I know he is cake eating (without the icing)--I am letting him.
COMPARE/CONTRAST. Need to figure out the plan B after the holidays...all I can think is he can take our son on weekends or his day off (part of the time) and he can come to the house after work but I will leave to go to the gym and won't cook.

What if I don't have what it takes to go through with it?
WSs do what they want anyway. Who really knows if what we do makes a difference in whether or not they end their As?

[P17]

P17, thanks--if I decide to date, I will tell him. But I'm not dating!

The text I sent didn't say I was dating either. It said that I was 'going to see what was out there for me too'.

What if I don't have what it takes to go through with it?

What if you do? You won't know until you try.

WSs do what they want anyway. Who really knows if what we do makes a difference in whether or not they end their As?

It's not about ending their affairs, unfortunately. It's about healing and protecting yourself from more pain OF their affairs.

If you're doing it to purely get him back it won't work and your efforts would be best put into something else (more DBing).

NC and LRT are for people willing to risk their M's as it could just as easily kill it as save it.

[chatterbug]

Don't tell him your dating. Just do it. Word travels. Date can just be a night out with a single friend of the opposite sex.

And if he asks if your dating. Don't say yes. Deploy WAS fog.
State " You wanted me to be happy, right? Well I am being happy"
Leave it at that.