First time poster feeling a bit lost

[sandi2]

Great job in how you were "showing" attitude in GAL! I loved the way you skipped up the stairs whistling. That was perfect. Please remember that your W probably won't show any changes toward that one time, so I'm glad you have some more times planned.

I know it's very expensive to hire sitters, but can you find relatives or friends who might do that sometimes? I think what would really get your W's attention is if you kept some appointment (GAL) and left the kids with a sitter if she wasn't going to be home with them. But, you would want her to be aware that you were leaving them with a sitter. (Does that make sense?) You may not be able to do that very often, but you might consider it. Be sure that you are vague about what you do or who you see when you are GAL. That causes mystery and is a DB technique.

I am not sure I understand here?

Do you mean
1. She dressed that way to rub my nose in it one more time before she walks?
2. She still has some feelings and she wants me to fight?

I may be wrong in my jugement in why she dressed up for the dinner, after you explained about her big weight loss. If this is the first time she has looked this good in a long time...she is probably feeling almost a power surge from the positive feedbacks and looks from others. A big weight loss does a lot of things to some women....and sometimes it can lead to problems in the MR b/c the woman doesn't really know how to handle it. It would take a long time to discuss all of that, and you've probably already heard or read up on the subject.

Everything is about her..her space..her looks..her career..

That is very common for a WAW and since you've told about the weight loss, I can understand it even more so. She may feel as if she is back in high school again.

This is going to take me time..not to go but to really start enjoying myself to the point that she notices my attitude has really changed. But I will start this process.

At first you may not enjoy yourself as much as you wish you could b/c your mind is on her. When you can reach the place that you truly are enjoying yourself, then that is when your attitude will tell her that you are doing it for "you" and it's not a ploy to get her back.

But we live in the same house, she wont move and neither will I...how to avoid one another is a mystery to me..But I will try to stay out of her way.

Living in the same house is hard, but it can actually have some advantages. Have you read my list of "Dos & Don'ts for the LBS"? It works especially well when the couple is still under the same roof. Let me know if I need to send it to you.

Have you read the anology of "Dropping the Rope"? Well....mine anyway.

Don't know why she is ironing your shirts if she didn't do that before this all started. Don't sweat the small stuff.

About your W reading the article on the WAW......it is really more for the LBH to try to understand his WAW and how she's thinking, etc. But, I really wanted to remind you that you need to delete in history to this board...if the same computer is shared. Some S do not take it very well if they find what has been written. Mainly b/c they don't really understand what we're doing and they can't be objective. Again, don't fret over what has already happened.

But we live in the same house, she wont move and neither will I...how to avoid one another is a mystery to me..But I will try to stay out of her way.

Let me get back to this area before I forget (can't seem to stay on track today). My suggestion about living in the same house and the fact neither will leave......you have to be sure you do not "act married". How would you act if you had a room mate or if she was a relative who moved in with you? Don't think of her as your W. Also.....it is important that you stay busy with whatever you like to do when you are home (not just trying to stay out of her way). Even if you are in the same room, you can read, play with the kids, get on the computer....something that will appear that you are occupied with other things rather than just her. You can be nice and just continue to treat her as if she's a relative.

The majority of the LBH's seem to have a problem in knowing "how" to detach. There was one thread that drew so many board members, and most of the posts were suggesting how he could detach. Again, it is in the attitude you feel yourself. When detached, you can be in the same room as her and not feel emotionally captured by her presence.

Some H's mention how they are afraid of detaching too much and then won't want the WAW back. I think my answer to that is....if you were to reach that place, would it matter? It's as if saying one is afraid that they will fall out of love with their S. Men who have that thought pattern are "afraid" of detaching and I think it is more of an excuse more than anything else.

BTW, it sounds as if you did have a panic attack. However, don't take chances, b/c some people have their heart to flare up and they put it off to stress affecting them.

I'll talk to you later. Keep up the good work.