Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

I'm reluctant to post on here tonight because I've been through a lot emotionally in the last couple of days. But it's a safe release for me so I thought I would have a go. Apologies for the length I predict this will be!

My mum's funeral on Monday was pretty emotional. Just felt numb through most of it thought. It's a relief for me that she is gone. It feels selfish to say that but my mum was a very strong and opinionated woman who really deterioated to somebody I didn't recognise and I don't think she liked that. We always had great talks to set the world to rights - she hated injustice in the world and that's where I get it from. I will miss our talks but I know she is in a better place for herself now. I know she wants us all to get on with our lives and be who we want to be be, but most of all for us to be happy. She is at peace now.

It was a humanist ceremony (non-religious). The speaker read out a poem which I've just Googled and found somebody has animated on You Tube. Here is it - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYtfkSx6Ouk - the poem is the what the girl reads. Here are the words - http://www.great-inspirational-quotes.com/slow-dance.html - it touched me not only about life but about my current sitch with W. Maybe it's just me, but grab a tissue before you watch it, I am still bubbling.

Nothing from W while I have been away. She is in panto tonight.

I don't want to say much about W just now. I am beginning to think my hope for a reconciliation is misguided. I have been reflecting on the contact and the little things that I believe I am reading too much into. The latest one is my name (or her married name) and why she hasn't changed it. Spoke to D's mum and she says that when she separated it was the first thing she changed - over here in Scotland you can change any non-governmental 'things' (for want of a better word) to any name you like just by writing to them and telling them. Setting up her internet account in her full married name irritated me. Maybe she just can't be bothered changing it rather than her still clinging on or maybe it's as some other said and it's her way of normalising things or keeping her image - however from what I know everybody at works knows anyway so who is she hiding it from? Anyway, she still has D's car seat that I mentioned before, in her car. She hasn't tried to return it. She still has other things here that she hasn't asked for (3 months after leaving).

I still don't believe she has moved on completely. But I think she has moved on enough.

From reflecting on W's personality, I believe the R with OM will last. Not for good, but for a long time. W has learned nothing from this split but she is so desperately insecure (we often laid in bed at night with me holding her and her asking me to tell her that I would never leave her - that should have started alarm bells ringing, but anyway, hindsight is a wonderful thing) and so desperately in need of love that she would take any suitable man on. She couldn't bear the loneliness for even a month when she moved into her own house which is why OM moved in so quickly. I know that feeling but I also recognise that to be a safe, secure and healthy adult you need to feel okay being alone and while I'm not fully there yet, I know I will get there and I am working through the pain.

This is one of the reasons I felt so lonely in the M - I didn't feel she wanted ME, just SOMEBODY who would love her. As soon as I withdrew because of our problems, I believe she took that as rejection and immediately moved on. She did nothing to save the M at all. She threw the towel in, found somebody else and moved on.

Anyway, I don't know how many people got their WAS back after NC. I know it's not for them, it's for us, but ultimately we want them back or we wouldn't even be here asking about NC. It's also only been 3 weeks for me and I do feel better than I did at the start. I know some people (cutter?) have been NC for 6 months+. Her staying a stones throw from me unfortunately makes it worse.

I've rambled enough. I need to go to bed. Another emotionally heavy day. I know it will end sometime, but it is a task and half to get there.

Before I go I want to say that I sat and watched A Christmas Carol in 3D with D and D's mum yesterday (the new one with Jim Carrey). For those of you who haven't seen, get there soon. It's a fantastic film. Brought more tears to P's eyes (a big brave macho bloke here is doing nothing but crying lately . My point in telling you this is I have one big intention this Xmas. Make it a GREAT Xmas for me and D. I always disliked Xmas (particularly the commercialisation of it) and my W always liked it. This year, if she happens to drive, walk or turn up here she will see that P has again changed - Xmas will be good this year I promise. For me, D and to stick it up the nose of W. She will wake up on Xmas day and have only OM there to give a present to - no wonder and surprise when my 8 year old D wakes up and wonders what Santa has for her. I even have a REAL tree this year (none of this fibre optic rubbish my W always liked - apologise to anybody who likes fibre-optic trees :))

Finally, finally. My D wrote me a letter on Sunday morning saying how much she loved me and she knew that Xmas wouldn't be the same this year without W but we will make the bets of it. More tears from P.

Thanks again for everybody's support.