Calling out the Piecers

[dday101798]

Hey, mish! (hug)

Yeah, it was my weekend with the boys, so not much (any) posting for me as you know.

Kind of dissapointed I missed my work x-mas party Friday night, S11's doctor appointement ran too lon gfor me to make the trek back to work, but oh-well. So, I picked up XW and took her to 'her house' with S11. She had planned on me being at the x-mas party late and that I'd pick the kids up on Saturday, so she didn't have anything ready. After a long half our sitting in the truck figuring out what to do I opted to just take the kids with me as she had to sleep and work in the morning. It was great, we were back to completing each other's sentences, thoughts, the whole nine yards.

For those unfamiliar, when she left, she moved to her fathers house 4 blocks from our house that I ended up leaving once the D got underway and she got temporary custody of the kids.

Speaking of her father, as we sittin gin the truck, he must have been working in his garage and parked out back, because he drove by us, very, very slowly as we were parked out front.

Anyway, Saturday at my cousins where I'm staying was a very emotionally charged day, her niece's son had been arrested the night before and was in super huge trouble. S11 opted to make dinner for everybody, which was fantastic, but needless to say, everybody's emotions were on high gear. XW and I texted back and forth quitre a bit during the day. Then at night, the uncertanty bug crept in me and I NEEDED re-assurance from XW that OM was no-where around. She was hanging out with her girl-friend at 'our' house and swears by it, so I need to work on that.

We did talk on the phone right away sunday morning, ironically at 10:17 All I could tell her was that I was sorry for the way I handled my feelings, but not for feeling them about OM and she needs to step up to re-assure me if this going to go anywhere serious.

She says now she is moving back into 'our' house to ease some of the tension with her father and help with the bills and payment of the hosue. Makes sense. I stood my ground and said I am not stepping another foot in that house. She says she understands, and it's only short term until it goes up on the market.

We all went to dinner again last night. Was very nice. XW was as radiant looking she had always been, made me think of how often I took for granted to have such a beautiful person at my side. The boys were not as well behaved as they had been the first time, but that didn't stop us from having a great time, light talking and affixed on each other. She is a remarkably gorgeous woman, I can't believe I ever lost sight of that.

Well, after dinner, took them 'home'. Boys ran in the house right away and XW stayed in the truck to 'talk'. I should say that fromt he moment we got off the block when I picked her up for dinner, she instantly grabbed my hand and clinged it the whole way to dinner and all the way back. And of course, like love sturck highschoolers, we talked, kissed, talked and kissed some more to the tune of 45 minutes. End result she IS completey done with OM, "never" was attached to him in any emotional way, that was my place in her heart, and is going to find an alternate means to get to work and sever that tie. Of course, all I could say was again, you need to.

We talked on the phone a bit when I got home and it was all good. More of things we took for granted in each other, living like the problems of today can be handled tomorrow, but as we both now know, tomorrow has a chance to not come and live for today.

We are going to do a date night at some point this week, weekend, maybe both.

[dday101798]

Ohhh, yeeah, having a problem with S12 though.

When I dropped XW off Friday night and the boys loaded up, I hugged XW good bye for a minute. We are on S11's side of the truck and my back was facing him. XW said he was happily gazing out the window at us. Didn't mention S12.

I took them to McDonald's for a quick dinner and S12 was fine there, but was really hostile with me at 'my house'. S12 is a special needs child and I'm sure, and spoke to XW about it too, that he is probably very confused after the whoel S, OM (who S12 being the way he is, latched on to) to the D, now OM being out of the picture and XW and I getting along so well. I'm certain he did notice XW grab my hand in the truck last night, but didn't seem to have a problem with it.

[mishka422]

Very interesting developments. It sounds like you are getting a handle on it and finding a way to reconnect without pushing it to fast. Good job!!!

S12 will readjust. It's just going to take him longer than it will S11. Special needs kids just need more time, that's all. He'll be perfectly happy once the R is cemented again.

[dday101798]

. He'll be perfectly happy once the R is cemented again.

I hope so, but I do think you're right.

Re-connecting wasn't so hard, wasn't my job to do (push anyway). I'm letting her drive for a bit, listen to what she says, and base my response accordingly. I'm really just focusing my efforts on all the things I wasn't doing, like complementing her outfits, how she looks, being appreciative of her compliments, initiating hugs, and I think her new personal favorite, guiding her towards me for a kiss.

I'm really getting disturbed about her moving back to 'our house', just seems like she expects me to do the same. I can't. We loved that house, but hated it just the same, I for obvious reasons carry a bit more hatred to it. On the flip side tho, it is just so hard, even tho things are in a very infant state developementally to part ways. We must said goodbye 4 times last night. It just feels so weird to do.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

DDay,

I am going to say I am not wading through 1,374 posts to accurately find out why you don't like 'our house'. I am going to assume that it is because she had sex with OM there, or that you fought aloth there, or that she got it in the divorce...but I'd rather you tell me why.

If you both don't want that house, then yes move. However...piecing is a fine line between boundaries and bending. Some boundaries cannot be crossed, and somthings you think are boundaries are not.

If selling the house is impractical...it is impractical and should not be an obstacle in your piecing. Basically, get over it if you can.

When my wife had her own apartment...where yes she fukced the OM, it took awhile to get over that, but I started replacing in my mind those memories with our own new ones. In every room in fact, except the boys rooms, because well...ick man. When we talked about getting a new palce together hers actually was an option.

The fear of the OM. Dude you are going to be worried about that alot. Remeber when you first got here, everyone said, "Time" Well yeah, with time this too will pass. Hell I still think about it...maybe once every couple of months. But my wife has been completely honest and I know it is just the fear that my own head produces.

If you wife is being transparent, then you need to be able to kill that fear in your own head all by yourself. Now, you should also tell her this, and let her know that at times you are going to need reassurance, but with time and trust those times you need her reassurance will become fewer and fewer.

Last, verify that your trust is not misplaced. If she wants this she should be willing and understanding that you are going to need to verify her words and deeds. I let my wife know I would check up on her, that I would be looking at her phone until I felt secure. She understood this.

Your 12 year old son...man that OM was a smart muther...crafty.
Be the best dad that you can be. Your relationship with their mother is just as important as your relationship with them. And a good mother is going to find that just as attractive as her favorite colonge on you.

[dday101798]

Your 12 year old son...man that OM was a smart muther...crafty. Be the best dad that you can be. Your relationship with their mother is just as important as your relationship with them. And a good mother is going to find that just as attractive as her favorite colonge on you.

Nah, OM is not "crafty" at all. S12, whom I adopted was severly abused at only 8 weeks old and suffered significant brain damage. He is 'developmentaly challanged' but has beaten all the odds and surpassed all clinical expectations. However, he is always excited with something or especially someone new. So, when OM was just dropped in to "my place" in his life full time, S12 just wanted OM to accept him and be his 'buddy', he doesn't know better. S11, on the other hand, gave OM hell, good for him.

Anyway, the house. Why wouldn't you want to skim through the posts?

Long story short, like many stories here, we bought when the market was unbelievbaly great in 2004. Mainly, to get the kids (S12 mostly) into superior schools and to be closer to the in-laws as MIL was battling cancer and we were constantly driving back and forth on a daily basis. My (then) FIL put the mortgage in his name since XW and I didn't quite have the most perfect credit in the world. From there, FIL took all the equity out of the home to fix his, figured fair enough for the assistance. However, the repayment of the equity became our problem and boosted the mortgage payments to ridiculous levels out of our financial means. Thus, enter the root of all evil, money.

The whole time and especially in 2006 when MIL lost her battle, the house became nothing but a 'private nightclub' for XW and all her local work friends. Every night was a party. It was an abuse of the intent of the space. XW and I always love to entertain guests, and both shared the desire to own a bar of our own. So, we made use of the full finished basement, and made our own personal bar in it, pool table, darts, games, seperate kitchen you name it, it was there. But, like I said, it was always a party for her and friends.

Much like her cycling every 3-4 months with the MR, she then would cry out for help to curb the parties and share in my displeasure for it as this was a home, not a night club. So she'd have me talk with all her friends and tell them this was insane an dstop coming over so frequently. Of course, a week or so later, XW viewed me carrying HER own request to handle as a means of controlling her and who she hangs out with.

It (the house) was just simply a great thing gone wrong. No, OM and her had no relations there, at least that I know of. That, transpired at her father's house she moved in to upon confirmation of the A. So I won't set foot in that one either. And thus, it's a boundy for me, to not re-enter 'our' home. I may bend on it, I may not. I'm certain that she'll no doubt be having a new years party there and that will be the time I really need to ask myself if I will uphold it.

[dday101798]

The fear of the OM. Dude you are going to be worried about that alot. Remeber when you first got here, everyone said, "Time" Well yeah, with time this too will pass. Hell I still think about it...maybe once every couple of months. But my wife has been completely honest and I know it is just the fear that my own head produces.

I believe XW is being completely honest. What's missing is re-assurance for certain. I understand time will tell. I don't know, not having a good bout with that right now. Since I don't see her at all really, it's just so hard to keep out of my mind.

[dday101798]

2- questions that have been floating around in my head:

1 (and the more humoring) when someone asks, who are you dating/seeing? How to answer? it feels whacked to say, "my ex-wife". (although a little bit of pride comes to mind when it's an answer to nay-sayers who thought I was absolutley nuts for saying I didn't want to be with anyone else but my [then] W).

2 Addressing the 'trust' issue within myself in XW. For some reason, TO ME, it almost seems like setting boundries is pointless, after all, we are divorced. So in all practical theory, it's no different than going back and re-dating someone from say highschool who cheated you, you know the risk is there, but hey, either one of you can walk away at anytime, it's not like you're married or anything? XW says it her full blown intnet to reconcille. Shouldn't that be enough on her own shoulders to know that infidelity will equal her being miserable again?

Just pondering.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

1 - Whatever you want to tell them and F them if they have a problem with it.

2 - ... You're dating your x-wife. It is up to you man, and saying that, if you don't feel there needs to be boundaries or trust issues with a person who has shown themselves capable of hurting you and getting out of a marriage with you, then I guess you don't. I hope that it is because you are a better man than I am. However, once the newness wears off...and it will...like any relationship, where will you both be?

[WalkingMan]

Be careful and take it slow.

I have a similar experience with my ex and she ended up going even further off the deep end. Last Feb, my XW made a 180 and decided to give it a shot. I took her on a big trip and she told me she once again wanted to have children with me. Everything was great until a month later there was a relaps and then she moved back out.