Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

Saw your note on kevin4's thread and that you want feedback. But that's difficult b/c I found your threads going back 18 months or so (june 08) but not the very first one that tells the whole sitch, and rather than reading all the way through it again, maybe you can put a small summary in your present thread??

Otherwise, I just noticed a lot of cycles you go through with him...a lot...and it has been going on a dang long time for some pretty low "returns", or at least june of 08, when I could no longer find your older threads.
How long will you do this before you change something? You do realize you have choice here. REMEMBER THAT...

Update/explain what you are doing with the pastor and how you got there. IF it was your idea, then why do it? I mean, what's the purpose? Your h is the one who needs to earn back into the M although you have to keep the road home paved and smooth (i.e., don't make it harder than it already is for him) and make sure you can both envision a life together wherein you are not consumed by fear or distrust, and in which you know you won't throw this in his face every fight. He may fear that he cannot come back from this, and if so, let him know. Ask yourself what is realistic from you. Do you want HIM back, or do you simply want him to want back? There's a fine line but it matters. Some folks don't want to attend the party, but they sure want to be invited. His actions have taken a huge toll on your ego of course. And it's hard to "get" why he did what he did. Waste NO MORE Time on that. You will waste years of life wondering and pondering things for which there is NO RIGHT answer. IT's not a vitamin deficiency, you know?

I believe many m's that do not ultimately work out, are due to the WAS fears a not being forgiven, which is often well based b/c the LBSer doesn't know how, or doesn't actually want to or thinks the WAS does not "Deserve" to be forgiven. (HEY Maybe they don't deserve it, but wth are you working on then? If you feel they don't or can't deserve forgiveness or that you cannot pull it off, save everyone some time and energy and end this now) BUT if you think you might be able to forgive (it's a learned skill we are not born with and many of us did not see growing up) then work on that and make sure you are not being a fool--how? Ask yourself if you believe that he is willing to change the behaviors and thought process that lead them astray in the first place. If he isn't willing to do that (by actions you should have seen by now) then really, what are you doing? IMHO, if you have not seen significant and consistent behavioral changes in him, over time, then you are fighting a losing battle that will consume you, your life, and your energy that could/should be spent on re-building your life and caring for your children. You are modelling behavior for your kids. Ask a child shrink what they think your kids are seeing.

There is tremendous VALUE in seeing forgiveness and reconciliation and the restoration of a marriage, believe me. But if it's not that which they are seeing, if it's co-dependent or doormat crazy crap, then stop the cycle now...

j-