I was worried about xmas gift too, but yesterday W asked me about gifts for the kids, and then quickly slid in that we shouldn't get gifts for each other.
I'm still curious to see what responses you get. (the lump of coal made me chuckle!)
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Glad to have got a chuckle out of you. I started to say condoms, but figured that'd be too sick of a joke at this point. That's what I need to bring up with my W, though, that we don't need to exchange gifts this year, just concentrate on giving S7 the best Christmas we can under the circumstances.
Took a big step today (for me). Due to W's uncontrolled (and often hidden) credit card spending and my misdirected attempts to try and appease her every "want" over the past 3 years, we are in a critical financial situation. After putting it off for over 4 months, I finally contacted a referred bankruptcy lawyer and I'm meeting with them next week for the initial consult.
Unfortunately, our imminent joint bankruptcy is a blockade to D being filed (well, that and the fact that W doesn't have the money for a lawyer). I know that it won't happen quickly, but once the bankruptcy is cleared, a D could be a more likely possibility, if that's what she (or I for that matter) choose to do. I seriously hope that W realizes that I'm simply doing this to protect both of us financially, as atty letters are already starting to come in for credit cards she defaulted on earlier this year. I'm certainly not trying to speed up our ability to D.
Also on my mind tonight is a raggedy, boney feline (Mr. Jones) sitting next to me sneezing his head off. He's old and has been terribly sick (kidney failure) for the past year. His quality of life is simply not there anymore. W found this scrappy kitten outside of a friend's apartment in Boulder during the middle of winter before we were even married. He's always been "her cat". He slept with her every night until he got sick and could no longer control his bodily functions. She left him with me when she moved out, as roommate already had 2 cats that weren't on her lease. We both acknowledge that he needs to be put to sleep, but I've put it off since this summer because of our sitch. Today, I made the veterinary appointment for Wednesday, and I'm going to let W know about it tomorrow morning.
I'm not worried about W being mad at me, as we both know it's the right thing to do. Earlier this year, we allowed our beloved Pomeranian to die of inoperable cancer at home, and we both agreed that we should have never made her suffer for as long as we did. It brought a lot of guilt down on us for our selfishness of not wanting to let her go. Also, it was quite traumatic for S7 who was very fond of the Pom. Still, I just hate to have to do something like this, when emotions are still so raw on all sides.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I need advice urgently. I don't know what to do. After over 4 weeks without a text from W, I just received the following message as I was coming home for lunch: "Hey you. Hope your day is going well. I just wanted you to know that I do miss you and think of you often. I'm not saying this to screw with you, but because I wanted you to know."
Should I reply back? My inclination is to wait until after lunch and send back "Thank you. Me too. Hope your day goes well.", but don't really know what to say, or if I should say anything at all.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Thanks for the quick reply, S13. I definitely wanted to bounce this off of you folks before I replied and did the wrong thing.
She comes over each morning to see my S7 off to school, so we still see each other face-to-face nearly every day. However, since I started the NC except in regards to S7, she's never sent me any type of "personal" message.
W will be here tomorrow morning before I take her cat to the vet to be put to sleep. So your suggestion is basically to let her twist for a while? When I see her tomorrow, do I simply not say anything about her comment?
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I need advice urgently. I don't know what to do. After over 4 weeks without a text from W, I just received the following message as I was coming home for lunch: "Hey you. Hope your day is going well. I just wanted you to know that I do miss you and think of you often. I'm not saying this to screw with you, but because I wanted you to know."
Should I reply back? My inclination is to wait until after lunch and send back "Thank you. Me too. Hope your day goes well.", but don't really know what to say, or if I should say anything at all.
CC,
You have asked for no-contact except for matters pertaining to your son. In what way does her message pertain to your son?
If you answer her, then I guess you weren't serious about the no-contact boundary.
She's testing you, b/c you've been strong up until this point.
She knows me too well, and that I wear my phone on my hip except to sleep. She wouldn't buy for a minute that I had not had a chance to check my messages, but I could just say that I've been really busy and leave it at that. I'll play the game, but really don't want to outright lie about things.
Yeah, this poor cat has received both my pity (because he's so sick) and my anger (because he has no control of his bodily functions). He really is a sweet one, though, even though he's always been W's cat. I definitely can't say that I will be able to do this tomorrow morning without any emotion.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
You have asked for no-contact except for matters pertaining to your son. In what way does her message pertain to your son?
If you answer her, then I guess you weren't serious about the no-contact boundary.
She's testing you, b/c you've been strong up until this point.
The "NC" was initiated by me a few weeks after she moved out. I was still very new to this and didn't establish a clear boundary of what it entailed. She just noticed that I was no longer texting or calling her and I told her that I wasn't going to initiate any calls/texts to her anymore, but that she could, if she wanted. My goal was to cut off things of a pursuing nature, and texting/calling her was definitely coming across as pursuing.
I never asked W for complete NC except for matters of S7/Finances, as we still have frequent face-to-face interaction and are trying to keep things friendly around S7. Since this blurry NC line was drawn, we do not text at all. Our contact on the phone is directly related to S7 or finances. However, in the mornings, we do sometimes briefly discuss other things in our lives (our jobs, our health, the weather, movies, music...but not R). It's usually friendly and I always cut it off short due to my need to get to work.
I haven't really reconsidered the boundaries of our "NC", since it was really just an informal way to give her more space in between our face-to-face visits, and a chance for her to actually miss me.
Am I going completely down the wrong path here? Should I insist upon absolutely no communication whatsoever that doesn't directly relate to S7/Finances?
I do think that her message was a test/feeler though. But I'm trying not to attempt to read her mind. I'm not going to reply to the text, but will simply tell her that I've been really busy if she brings it up. Am I correct in assuming that I should NOT be returning the sentiments (Me too. or I feel the same way.) at this point?
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I'm sorry, CC, I must have been mistaking your sitch for someone else's.
If that was never a firm boundary request, then I think it would be fine to wait several hours, and then respond with a "Sorry, just saw this. Crazy day! Thanks for the nice note, and hope you are well. CC"
I would hold back on an "I miss you too," as I think it sounds needy. If you want to include something like that, maybe a "Yeah, I've had some bad days along the way, but find I'm doing surprisingly well actually. Growth, right?" -- or some such.
