Gotta Keep Trying 2

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA,

Sorry to hear the bad news buddy. The same thing is happening in my household as well. My W said to me that Retrouvaille was all about co-parenting and that "there's too much water under the bridge." I'm now at a point where I've decided to move on with my life. You do the same. Our wives our "stuck" right now and there's nothing we can do about it. Period!

In my case, I believe that my marital breakup is more than just about me. I think my W is in some sort of MLC. She's not happy with me. She's not happy with the kids...she's simply not happy. There may be another person...I don't know. I no longer give my W any reason to leave the marriage...but it's not enough.

I'll be fine. You'll be fine. We all will be just fine. A girlfriend of mine already has two dates set up for me...all I have to do is say yes at this point. I'm not sure if I'm ready to start dating, but it is damn nice to have 2 diffent women WANTING to go out with me.

For now I'm focusing on self-care and my children. I'm nice, polite, and cordial towards my W, but I could care less about what she's doing or where she's going. I've dropped that heavy rope...you do the same buddy.

Best Regards,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

Not to interrupt Thinker's question (which I think is a very good one - and one both he and I are grappling with at the moment), but I thought I would update on the conversation last night, which did not go well, but went like I thought it would.

All of this started with a discussion my SIL (my brother's W) had with my W yesterday. SIL had asked me about getting our respective families together to exchange gifts for Christmas. SIL asked if she should do that through me or my W. Since W had complained before about my family not reaching out to her, I told SIL it would be a good thing if she called my W and set that up.

So SIL calls W yesterday. At one point in the conversation, SIL says she is happy W has changed her mind and decided to go to MC. W responds with "I'm not going for reconciliation - only for co-parenting." SIL is surprised and apparently the conversation moves into my SIL saying, compassionately, that what W is doing is wrong and SIL simply doesn't agree. And this is not the conversation I thought was going to occur - had I known, I would have handled setting this up. But, SIL did not say anything that was untrue. W stressed that she had told all her family to be open to me and talk with me.. SIL pointed out, well, why shouldn't your family be open with GIMA, YOU are leaving GIMA. Probably doesn't work for GIMA's family in this context. W: Well, you have a point there.

W's version of the W-SIL conversation is much different. Per W, SIL gave her a sermon, condemned her and said she was not concerned with anyone but GIMA and his well being.

SIL calls me to let me in on this before I get home. I thanked her for giving me a heads up.

So, I got home last night and W is clearly NOT talking to me. After we put the kids to bed, W, without any discussion, retreats to her bedroom and shuts the door - WAY earlier than normal. I knocked on her door and said if she had 5 minutes, I wanted to talk to her. She says ok as if nothing is wrong and what ever could I want.

I told her SIL had called me today, and W launches into an angry discussion to recount W's version of W-SIL discussion. I let her vent, then said I have two things. One, I did not know SIL was going to have "that" discussion with you and had I known, I would have asked SIL not to do so. Two we appear to be sideways on why we are going to MC.

I walked W back through the discussion we had before where she said she would go to MC and I did so verbatim. As I am recounting the prior discussion word for literal word, W is shaking her head to signal "No." When I finish, she says she always told me she would only go for "co-parenting" and never said she would see a "reconciliation C." I told her just like the previous discussion we had, if she cannot place reconciliation on the table of possibilities, I do not want to go to MC. Told her I would cancel the MC appt. "Fine!"

GIMA: I have no interest in going to C'ing to learn how to be a better D'd husband.

Told W there are only 2 alternatives - either we work on the M or we set about tearing it apart. There is NO third alternative.
I am not going to try to convince someone to have a R with me who does not want to.

Asked her how she thought we would tell the kids. She says she wants to go to MC to find out the best way. I told her that I did not plan to tell the kids, that SHE would, with me present. That this is HER decision, and her decision ALONE. She did not like that one bit. Says I am selfish and am not looking out for the kids' best interest. I, of course, respectfully disagree.

I explained that her decision brings along with it consequences. She says Consequences?!?! If that's what you have to tell yourself to feel better, so be it. W angry at this point.

W complains that I will not go to MC with her to learn to be a better co-parent and now she has to go alone "on her birthday." Her b'day is close to the day of the MC appt. Then W says now she doesn't even know if I (yes, ME) will do anything for her on her birthday. Wow, I thought we were talking about the future of our family, which I don't think includes YOUR birthday. Wow. Somewhat out of left field.

So, those are the main points. I simply have no emotional energy left for W. W has re-written what we VERY clearly discused in the talk where she agreed to go to MC. I understand why. I am not sad or depressed. Just disappointed.

So, I think I have now hopped into the saddle of Thinker's dragon. I'll try to fly straight. Don't see any other alternative but D at this point. I am still open to working on the M, but that is wasted effort unless W also wants to work on the M.

[givingitmyall]

In my case, I believe that my marital breakup is more than just about me.

I completely agree with you as for my sitch too. I play a part in this problem, but I do not think this is even mostly about me. Can't be if I have become the person "only a fool would leave."

I have dropped the rope. Done. Don't want this current version of my W. I don't hate her and I'm not angry.

I will be completely focused on my kids and taking care of myself.

Thanks for your input man. Maybe we can get together and play some golf one day.

[mishka422]

Gima,

MC is just that - MARRIAGE COUNSELING. FC - family counseling is what she is looking for. Big difference. As Thinker (or maybe it was another poster - sorry) said, co-parenting training needs to take place after the mediation and child sharing is set up, not before. There is too much hostility involved in D to try to mesh co-parenting in at the same time.

I completely agree that your W is the one to have to tell the children that SHE has decided that she doesn't want to be M'd to you anymore. Her decision, her responsibility. Yes, you should definitely be present. I made my xh do the same thing. He didn't like it one bit, but did it. It was very ugly because he was in the midst of packing his things and taking them to the car at the same time. ICK!

So, did you ask her when she is moving out? You know that is a consequence of her actions too, right? Does she? She wants out of the M, she can certainly get out of the marital abode too.

Ok, that was harsh, but real. Sorry. I wish nothing but the best for you. You have really done everything you possibly could, now you can step forward with you head held high knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have improved yourself and you life even though your M was crumbling around you.

((((((GIMA))))))

[givingitmyall]

Thanks Mishka.

I agree with everything you said. But, I have asked her to move out before, and she said no. I am not moving out, period. So, we are at a standstill. Legally, there is nothing I can do to force her out. And truly, we can't afford two households - she isn't working right now, so I would likely end up paying for that too.

Not sure what else I can do at this point other than set the wheels in motion for D. Not going to make the holidays any brighter, but that is, unfortunately, unavoidable.

[Coach]

MC is just that - MARRIAGE COUNSELING. FC - family counseling is what she is looking for. Big difference. As Thinker (or maybe it was another poster - sorry) said, co-parenting training needs to take place after the mediation and child sharing is set up, not before. There is too much hostility involved in D to try to mesh co-parenting in at the same time.

I would add that, "yeah, we might need it as well so that you and my new wife can get along down the road."

[givingitmyall]

MC is just that - MARRIAGE COUNSELING. FC - family counseling is what she is looking for. Big difference. As Thinker (or maybe it was another poster - sorry) said, co-parenting training needs to take place after the mediation and child sharing is set up, not before. There is too much hostility involved in D to try to mesh co-parenting in at the same time.

I would add that, "yeah, we might need it as well so that you and my new wife can get along down the road."

While no doubt true, don't think that pushes us in a better place. But you never know what may come up in discussion.

[Thinker]

So, I think I have now hopped into the saddle of Thinker's dragon. I'll try to fly straight.

Enjoy the ride. The seats free for for now, since I've jumped off for the next few months

Not sure what else I can do at this point other than set the wheels in motion for D. Not going to make the holidays any brighter, but that is, unfortunately, unavoidable.

Not necessarily true. You can tell your w that you are scheduling an appointment with a mediator, but are going to do it for January so that YOU can enjoy the holidays with the kids first.

My recommendation is to fly straight and with confidence, BUT take it SLOWLY! you are not in a rush.

[givingitmyall]

Thinker, I like this plan the best. She and I can be discussing splitting up property over the holidays pre-mediator.

[Kemper]

Focus on the time you have with your children creating lasting memories with them over the holidays. You have been at this long enough that you shouldn't have to endure the discussions of splitting up property during the holidays.

Wait until they are over, and instead be the you that YOU have become and enjoy the time. Having the discussions later shouldn't be an issue given how long you have been giving it your all.