Since all you can control is how you are seen, focus on that. Don't assume that no one can see through Val, but who cares anyhow? It's you that matters and again, you're all that you can control. Someday your kids will be able to speak up for themselves and they know the truth, or will be able to articulate what their needs are. I hope your son gets asked something in private...hasn't he actually said "mom is nuts today" or literally used that word in some way?
Once this is over, you'll be more free than you feel now. I know you fear involuntary servitude for eternity, but first off, that's actually what you are in now, and 2nd, once free of the energy draining force that stbxw is, you'll find a lot more peace and IMO, you'll earn and do more. Your energy will increase and you'll do more than overcome this. YES I know no matter how this turns out, you're getting punched in the stomach. If it's any consolation, I don't think Val is having a party much herself. Don't know what her L is telling her, but she will be the ultimate loser in this financially. Even if you pay alimony, it won't be for very long. And then where will she be? Oh wait, that is NOT your concern.
Remember that "victory" in these situations-- cannot be measured by how miserable or happy the stbx is. It is ALL about how you do. Don't forget that Frank.
And don't give up the ship yet. I am not surprised that you think things are stacked against you b/c no judge is going to show his cards yet, to the extent he has, he simply doubted your numbers. Now he'll have them for real and he'll have to accept them. If he sees you for the parent you are, and reads between the lines, and knows there is NO OW (i.e., you are not trading in Val for a younger model--the classic cliche that he may fear) then he'll probably get a glimpse of the realities here. Your involvement with your son's team and the activities you do with the kids....hey, what's YOUR L telling you?
That's valuable. For now, try to lose the fears. ((((( j- ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
