Please could you experts take the time to help me out as I am at my wits end. My wife has turned her back on what was essentially a working marriage for no apparent reason. If you need any futher information please don't hesitate to ask.
I have decided to post the story here also - hope that is ok
As the title says, I have been seperated from my wife for approximately 6 months, but I would dearly love to reunite my family.
The reason we parted was largely down to my wife contacting he real father who was out of the picture for 25 years or so (since she was 5years old).
Since he has been on the scene her priorities have changed from the kids (we have 3), to her and her father. It seems like she is trying to re-live her childhood and nothing else matters.
I am not saying I am 100% innocent in all of this, but the breakup came as massive shock to myself, close friends and family. She did not confide in anyone as far as I know, and her mind seems to be made up. Over the last 6 months I have seen no signs of her wanting reconcilliation.
I am sure that there is nobody else involved, but it looks like I am loosing the battle to win her back. I have recently started enjoying life again and socialising, but deep down I still yearn for her.
Since splitting I have been diagnosed with severe depression, which I am battling at the moment. It is kind of ironic that since this has been idenified I have had more fun over the last 2 months than I have for many years. I think one one the major splitting points was due to me being boring and miserable (i.e. no socialising etc), but even though I have been doing these things it seems to be falling on deaf ears.
There is little to no contact between us at the moment, not even when the kids are being picked up or dropped off. I cant see any hope of things changing while we dont communicate, but she will resist talking about anything other than the kids.
The other problem is she is living in the marital home and agreed beforehand to pay half the mortgage. This has been honoured up until the past 2 months, last month being �50 short and there is no sign of this months yet (I am from UK by the way). So i dont know how to tackle her about this as I dont want to blow any slim chance I have, yet finanically I cannot afford to pay for 2 houses.
currently rent a nice house which allows me to have my children overnight on a Saturday. This is party for my benefit and also helps my wife as she works weekend nights. One thing I forgot to mention was she took 5 months off work when we broke up.
She has just booked to go on holiday with her friends to magaluf, a known destination for drinking/sexual flings. It is for a hen weekend, but the point is when we were together my wife would never leave the kids behind, but she has done it at least twice that I know of since we split.
I khave no real problems with her going out to enjoy herself (after all one of the reasons we broke up was due to me no socialising), but not at my expense. It seems the deposit for this holiday has been paid over the last few days and yet the half of the morgage money I was expecting is now over a week late. I am clueless in how to approach this as I dont want to destroy any chance of re-uniting, yet I cant let her treat me like a doormat.
I still love her, but I am trying to give the impression to mutual friends that I am happy and ok with everything. My family are not welcome in the marital home, except my father who still remains on good terms (but not in regular contact).
I have let her have the house, car and custody of the kids. I have no idea what to do next.
Oh by the way, Divorce wise we are kind of at a standstill. I pressured her in the beginning to having one (when a mutual friend told me she wasn't looking for one), because she was claiming legal aid the made us take mediation. I went for my assessment meeting, and she went to hers, but my wife backed down when it came to the 3rd meeting which requires both parties to be present.
When I asked her about this via text she said 'I dont want to disclose finanical details' and 'would rather go straight for a divorce'. So the mediation has been cancelled and no futher news from her solicitor regarding taking things futher.
She gave me no reason for the breakup except by saying 'I dont want it anymore'.
When a mutual friend asked her what is so good about being single (mutual friend being equally dumbfounded as me over the split) she replied 'I can cook the tea whenever I want'. I must have been a lousy husband if that is the best thing she could come up with.
my wife isn't very forthcomming with her emotions. It seemed to almost happen overnight. We had our ups and downs as most marriages do, but I didn't dream she would just end it.
She kept asking me for space in the begining and me being an idiot couldn't give her the space she needed. We wern't fighting a lot, but there was tension - I could feel that something had changed in her in the weeks leading up to the split.
She never really gave me a chance to rectify anything, but when we first split we got back together after a few days and I was walking on eggshells the whole time because I felt she was a timebomb waiting to go off. We broke up that night after having an argument over nothing. We had a few friends around and she was sat next to me getting more drunk and louder and louder. I said half in jest that she was giving me a headache, then it all went up in the air. Apparantly I embaressed her infront of everyone etc, but nobody else even heared me say it. It was just an excuse I think.
Anyway, I have learned a lot over the past 6 months, but I cannot show her as we are NC at the moment. She would resist anu attempts by me to talk with here over anything other than the kids, and even that would only be via text message.
If you need more just ask.
Any advice you could give me would be more than welcome.
OK, let me get this straight, she doesn't want to be married anymore, you moved out? why? Was this for atonement purposes, maybe if I move out, she'll love me again? BTW - that never EVER works. Now you know.
So you see your kids on saturday - wow nice! Do you like that? You pay the mortgage on the home where your wife & kids live and you don't live there. You pressed for a divorce but she didn't go for it.
You probably heard a few of these things correct me if I'm wrong: - I love you but I'm not in love with you - You should find someone else, don't wait for me - I don't want a relationship with anyone I just want some time to myself - I just need space - You're a good guy anyone girl will be lucky to have you
Sprinkled with a little: - cruelty - disrespect - spiteful, aggressive, hurtful actions on her part including using you but not reciprocating in the least - probably even tells you to stay away from the home on certain occasions
I'll add: - she probably doesn't have the children's interests as her top priority as she used to - she goes ALOT more - she stays out late - locks her cellphone - probably removed you from crackbook so you couldn't keep track of her status - she probably became more aggressive, assertive almost masculine in her actions towards you - while at the same time you became a little more feminine, softer, gentler, worried about the kids more when she started to slack
And on top of all of this you're really a NICE guy.
and you enjoy living in limbo: no divorce, no legal separation, you are kept in your place like a good little boy with no forward momentum of any kind.
1. Move back home 2. Tell her that if she wants a divorce, she will need to pay for it and she should work on that 3. Start dating other women - yes do it 4. Work on yourself for yourself, you don't care if she notices or not, these changes are for you because you became the kind of man that a woman will cheat on, disrespect and leave in limbo
I'm not interested in hearing that you honor your marriage, you're church going, god fearing man (all of which are good things to be sure).
If you want things to change you need to change them, you can't expect them to change for you.
You are weak, you're afraid to make a move because you're afraid of your wife's reaction and you do everything you do right now just to hope somehow you will please her.
That doesn't ever work at this stage of the game.
Cut the lease on the place you're renting and move back home. Tell her that if she wants out of this marriage you are fine with that but you don't have to leave the home you pay the mortgage on and since she can't even pay her half of the mortgage I'm assuming you're going to pay for that out of your pocket, the banks usually don't care where the money comes from.
Go home.
You have every right and then some to live in your home.
You won't win any points living away from the home, if she wants her space, she can have it but she has to provide it for herself.
Stop thinking you have less rights than her.
You are a human being just like her, you have just as many rights as she does - I'm so surprised when this all happens every man thinks he's screwed, that you have to pay for everything and come out with nothing - what planet do you live on that this logic makes sense to you?
Fight for your rights if you want them or continue being a doormat which you are right now.
Move back home, it's your home too, if she doesn't like it, prepare to tell her "TOO BAD FOR YOU!"
Stand up to your wife.
She can't respect you as a man because she is stronger than you (and I'm not talking physically either). How could she expect you to stand up for her if you won't stand up to her? She needs a stronger partner and you haven't been that in a long time. So she's seeking one out.
Go back home and tell her it's your decision, you are taking back your life and she can have whatever life she wants just not at your expense.
Get a gym membership, start getting in shape again, get that testosterone flowing again, feel masculine again.
Get a new haircut, something up to date.
Start buying different clothes, shoes, start wearing a new different current cologne.
Start tanning.
Start going out.
Start dating.
You want to turn this thing around.
Make it look like you're leaving her.
Become the walk away spouse, take back your power.
When she sees you dating other women and being happy with your life she will notice a change in you, in fact, it will bother her, up to this point this has all been her decision and she made you go along with it. When you veer off the path that she set up for you, she will notice the change - there is no way that she can't notice it.
And if she does want you back (and it's possible that she may not, there are no guarantees), make her work for it. Tell her that you can't trust her anymore. Tell her that you want to know everything she's done, all about her infidelity and then on top of that, if she tries to tag you with sex (and alot of them do when the LBH starts to move on), tell her NO, she's not worth it and you need to protect yourself because you don't know who she's been with.
Seriously there is a walk away wife script. They all say & do alot of the same things, hence we call it script, there is some improvisation to be sure but the script is still the playbook they're working with.
So if you follow the playbook outlined here for you along with alot of other good information that alot of the other great posters on this site will provide, you have a chance at getting your marriage back.
But you can't make any of this possibly work if you're afraid to commit thought to action.
If you say "I can't do this, and I can't do that and I will honor my marriage and can't do this", you're already limiting yourself and keeping yourself in the same place you're currently in and you won't get anywhere different by continuing to do the same things you've been doing.
This is all your choice, do it, don't do it, it's up to you but please don't turn into a member on this forum that will whine about their situation without doing anything different to change their situation because that is just wallowing in self-pity and that's just weak.
No more Mr.Nice guy for you. No more being a wuss. No more being a door mat.
Start to stand up for yourself. Change yourself for you.
1. Move back home 2. Tell her that if she wants a divorce, she will need to pay for it and she should work on that 3. Start dating other women - yes do it 4. Work on yourself for yourself, you don't care if she notices or not, these changes are for you because you became the kind of man that a woman will cheat on, disrespect and leave in limbo
I'm not interested in hearing that you honor your marriage, you're church going, god fearing man (all of which are good things to be sure).
If you want things to change you need to change them, you can't expect them to change for you.
You are weak, you're afraid to make a move because you're afraid of your wife's reaction and you do everything you do right now just to hope somehow you will please her.
That doesn't ever work at this stage of the game.
Cut the lease on the place you're renting and move back home. Tell her that if she wants out of this marriage you are fine with that but you don't have to leave the home you pay the mortgage on and since she can't even pay her half of the mortgage I'm assuming you're going to pay for that out of your pocket, the banks usually don't care where the money comes from.
Go home.
You have every right and then some to live in your home.
You won't win any points living away from the home, if she wants her space, she can have it but she has to provide it for herself.
Stop thinking you have less rights than her.
You are a human being just like her, you have just as many rights as she does - I'm so surprised when this all happens every man thinks he's screwed, that you have to pay for everything and come out with nothing - what planet do you live on that this logic makes sense to you?
Fight for your rights if you want them or continue being a doormat which you are right now.
Move back home, it's your home too, if she doesn't like it, prepare to tell her "TOO BAD FOR YOU!"
Stand up to your wife.
She can't respect you as a man because she is stronger than you (and I'm not talking physically either). How could she expect you to stand up for her if you won't stand up to her? She needs a stronger partner and you haven't been that in a long time. So she's seeking one out.
Go back home and tell her it's your decision, you are taking back your life and she can have whatever life she wants just not at your expense.
Get a gym membership, start getting in shape again, get that testosterone flowing again, feel masculine again.
Get a new haircut, something up to date.
Start buying different clothes, shoes, start wearing a new different current cologne.
Start tanning.
Start going out.
Start dating.
You want to turn this thing around.
Make it look like you're leaving her.
Become the walk away spouse, take back your power.
When she sees you dating other women and being happy with your life she will notice a change in you, in fact, it will bother her, up to this point this has all been her decision and she made you go along with it. When you veer off the path that she set up for you, she will notice the change - there is no way that she can't notice it.
And if she does want you back (and it's possible that she may not, there are no guarantees), make her work for it. Tell her that you can't trust her anymore. Tell her that you want to know everything she's done, all about her infidelity and then on top of that, if she tries to tag you with sex (and alot of them do when the LBH starts to move on), tell her NO, she's not worth it and you need to protect yourself because you don't know who she's been with.
Seriously there is a walk away wife script. They all say & do alot of the same things, hence we call it script, there is some improvisation to be sure but the script is still the playbook they're working with.
So if you follow the playbook outlined here for you along with alot of other good information that alot of the other great posters on this site will provide, you have a chance at getting your marriage back.
But you can't make any of this possibly work if you're afraid to commit thought to action.
If you say "I can't do this, and I can't do that and I will honor my marriage and can't do this", you're already limiting yourself and keeping yourself in the same place you're currently in and you won't get anywhere different by continuing to do the same things you've been doing.
This is all your choice, do it, don't do it, it's up to you but please don't turn into a member on this forum that will whine about their situation without doing anything different to change their situation because that is just wallowing in self-pity and that's just weak.
No more Mr.Nice guy for you. No more being a wuss. No more being a door mat.
Start to stand up for yourself. Change yourself for you.
1. Move back home 2. Tell her that if she wants a divorce, she will need to pay for it and she should work on that 3. Start dating other women - yes do it 4. Work on yourself for yourself, you don't care if she notices or not, these changes are for you because you became the kind of man that a woman will cheat on, disrespect and leave in limbo
I'm not interested in hearing that you honor your marriage, you're church going, god fearing man (all of which are good things to be sure).
If you want things to change you need to change them, you can't expect them to change for you.
You are weak, you're afraid to make a move because you're afraid of your wife's reaction and you do everything you do right now just to hope somehow you will please her.
That doesn't ever work at this stage of the game.
Cut the lease on the place you're renting and move back home. Tell her that if she wants out of this marriage you are fine with that but you don't have to leave the home you pay the mortgage on and since she can't even pay her half of the mortgage I'm assuming you're going to pay for that out of your pocket, the banks usually don't care where the money comes from.
Go home.
You have every right and then some to live in your home.
You won't win any points living away from the home, if she wants her space, she can have it but she has to provide it for herself.
Stop thinking you have less rights than her.
You are a human being just like her, you have just as many rights as she does - I'm so surprised when this all happens every man thinks he's screwed, that you have to pay for everything and come out with nothing - what planet do you live on that this logic makes sense to you?
Fight for your rights if you want them or continue being a doormat which you are right now.
Move back home, it's your home too, if she doesn't like it, prepare to tell her "TOO BAD FOR YOU!"
Stand up to your wife.
She can't respect you as a man because she is stronger than you (and I'm not talking physically either). How could she expect you to stand up for her if you won't stand up to her? She needs a stronger partner and you haven't been that in a long time. So she's seeking one out.
Go back home and tell her it's your decision, you are taking back your life and she can have whatever life she wants just not at your expense.
Get a gym membership, start getting in shape again, get that testosterone flowing again, feel masculine again.
Get a new haircut, something up to date.
Start buying different clothes, shoes, start wearing a new different current cologne.
Start tanning.
Start going out.
Start dating.
You want to turn this thing around.
Make it look like you're leaving her.
Become the walk away spouse, take back your power.
When she sees you dating other women and being happy with your life she will notice a change in you, in fact, it will bother her, up to this point this has all been her decision and she made you go along with it. When you veer off the path that she set up for you, she will notice the change - there is no way that she can't notice it.
And if she does want you back (and it's possible that she may not, there are no guarantees), make her work for it. Tell her that you can't trust her anymore. Tell her that you want to know everything she's done, all about her infidelity and then on top of that, if she tries to tag you with sex (and alot of them do when the LBH starts to move on), tell her NO, she's not worth it and you need to protect yourself because you don't know who she's been with.
Seriously there is a walk away wife script. They all say & do alot of the same things, hence we call it script, there is some improvisation to be sure but the script is still the playbook they're working with.
So if you follow the playbook outlined here for you along with alot of other good information that alot of the other great posters on this site will provide, you have a chance at getting your marriage back.
But you can't make any of this possibly work if you're afraid to commit thought to action.
If you say "I can't do this, and I can't do that and I will honor my marriage and can't do this", you're already limiting yourself and keeping yourself in the same place you're currently in and you won't get anywhere different by continuing to do the same things you've been doing.
This is all your choice, do it, don't do it, it's up to you but please don't turn into a member on this forum that will whine about their situation without doing anything different to change their situation because that is just wallowing in self-pity and that's just weak.
No more Mr.Nice guy for you. No more being a wuss. No more being a door mat.
Start to stand up for yourself. Change yourself for you.
1. Move back home 2. Tell her that if she wants a divorce, she will need to pay for it and she should work on that 3. Start dating other women - yes do it 4. Work on yourself for yourself, you don't care if she notices or not, these changes are for you because you became the kind of man that a woman will cheat on, disrespect and leave in limbo
I'm not interested in hearing that you honor your marriage, you're church going, god fearing man (all of which are good things to be sure).
If you want things to change you need to change them, you can't expect them to change for you.
You are weak, you're afraid to make a move because you're afraid of your wife's reaction and you do everything you do right now just to hope somehow you will please her.
That doesn't ever work at this stage of the game.
Cut the lease on the place you're renting and move back home. Tell her that if she wants out of this marriage you are fine with that but you don't have to leave the home you pay the mortgage on and since she can't even pay her half of the mortgage I'm assuming you're going to pay for that out of your pocket, the banks usually don't care where the money comes from.
Go home.
You have every right and then some to live in your home.
You won't win any points living away from the home, if she wants her space, she can have it but she has to provide it for herself.
Stop thinking you have less rights than her.
You are a human being just like her, you have just as many rights as she does - I'm so surprised when this all happens every man thinks he's screwed, that you have to pay for everything and come out with nothing - what planet do you live on that this logic makes sense to you?
Fight for your rights if you want them or continue being a doormat which you are right now.
Move back home, it's your home too, if she doesn't like it, prepare to tell her "TOO BAD FOR YOU!"
Stand up to your wife.
She can't respect you as a man because she is stronger than you (and I'm not talking physically either). How could she expect you to stand up for her if you won't stand up to her? She needs a stronger partner and you haven't been that in a long time. So she's seeking one out.
Go back home and tell her it's your decision, you are taking back your life and she can have whatever life she wants just not at your expense.
Get a gym membership, start getting in shape again, get that testosterone flowing again, feel masculine again.
Get a new haircut, something up to date.
Start buying different clothes, shoes, start wearing a new different current cologne.
Start tanning.
Start going out.
Start dating.
You want to turn this thing around.
Make it look like you're leaving her.
Become the walk away spouse, take back your power.
When she sees you dating other women and being happy with your life she will notice a change in you, in fact, it will bother her, up to this point this has all been her decision and she made you go along with it. When you veer off the path that she set up for you, she will notice the change - there is no way that she can't notice it.
And if she does want you back (and it's possible that she may not, there are no guarantees), make her work for it. Tell her that you can't trust her anymore. Tell her that you want to know everything she's done, all about her infidelity and then on top of that, if she tries to tag you with sex (and alot of them do when the LBH starts to move on), tell her NO, she's not worth it and you need to protect yourself because you don't know who she's been with.
Seriously there is a walk away wife script. They all say & do alot of the same things, hence we call it script, there is some improvisation to be sure but the script is still the playbook they're working with.
So if you follow the playbook outlined here for you along with alot of other good information that alot of the other great posters on this site will provide, you have a chance at getting your marriage back.
But you can't make any of this possibly work if you're afraid to commit thought to action.
If you say "I can't do this, and I can't do that and I will honor my marriage and can't do this", you're already limiting yourself and keeping yourself in the same place you're currently in and you won't get anywhere different by continuing to do the same things you've been doing.
This is all your choice, do it, don't do it, it's up to you but please don't turn into a member on this forum that will whine about their situation without doing anything different to change their situation because that is just wallowing in self-pity and that's just weak.
No more Mr.Nice guy for you. No more being a wuss. No more being a door mat.
Start to stand up for yourself. Change yourself for you.
1. Move back home 2. Tell her that if she wants a divorce, she will need to pay for it and she should work on that 3. Start dating other women - yes do it 4. Work on yourself for yourself, you don't care if she notices or not, these changes are for you because you became the kind of man that a woman will cheat on, disrespect and leave in limbo
I'm not interested in hearing that you honor your marriage, you're church going, god fearing man (all of which are good things to be sure).
If you want things to change you need to change them, you can't expect them to change for you.
You are weak, you're afraid to make a move because you're afraid of your wife's reaction and you do everything you do right now just to hope somehow you will please her.
That doesn't ever work at this stage of the game.
Cut the lease on the place you're renting and move back home. Tell her that if she wants out of this marriage you are fine with that but you don't have to leave the home you pay the mortgage on and since she can't even pay her half of the mortgage I'm assuming you're going to pay for that out of your pocket, the banks usually don't care where the money comes from.
Go home.
You have every right and then some to live in your home.
You won't win any points living away from the home, if she wants her space, she can have it but she has to provide it for herself.
Stop thinking you have less rights than her.
You are a human being just like her, you have just as many rights as she does - I'm so surprised when this all happens every man thinks he's screwed, that you have to pay for everything and come out with nothing - what planet do you live on that this logic makes sense to you?
Fight for your rights if you want them or continue being a doormat which you are right now.
Move back home, it's your home too, if she doesn't like it, prepare to tell her "TOO BAD FOR YOU!"
Stand up to your wife.
She can't respect you as a man because she is stronger than you (and I'm not talking physically either). How could she expect you to stand up for her if you won't stand up to her? She needs a stronger partner and you haven't been that in a long time. So she's seeking one out.
Go back home and tell her it's your decision, you are taking back your life and she can have whatever life she wants just not at your expense.
Get a gym membership, start getting in shape again, get that testosterone flowing again, feel masculine again.
Get a new haircut, something up to date.
Start buying different clothes, shoes, start wearing a new different current cologne.
Start tanning.
Start going out.
Start dating.
You want to turn this thing around.
Make it look like you're leaving her.
Become the walk away spouse, take back your power.
When she sees you dating other women and being happy with your life she will notice a change in you, in fact, it will bother her, up to this point this has all been her decision and she made you go along with it. When you veer off the path that she set up for you, she will notice the change - there is no way that she can't notice it.
And if she does want you back (and it's possible that she may not, there are no guarantees), make her work for it. Tell her that you can't trust her anymore. Tell her that you want to know everything she's done, all about her infidelity and then on top of that, if she tries to tag you with sex (and alot of them do when the LBH starts to move on), tell her NO, she's not worth it and you need to protect yourself because you don't know who she's been with.
Seriously there is a walk away wife script. They all say & do alot of the same things, hence we call it script, there is some improvisation to be sure but the script is still the playbook they're working with.
So if you follow the playbook outlined here for you along with alot of other good information that alot of the other great posters on this site will provide, you have a chance at getting your marriage back.
But you can't make any of this possibly work if you're afraid to commit thought to action.
If you say "I can't do this, and I can't do that and I will honor my marriage and can't do this", you're already limiting yourself and keeping yourself in the same place you're currently in and you won't get anywhere different by continuing to do the same things you've been doing.
This is all your choice, do it, don't do it, it's up to you but please don't turn into a member on this forum that will whine about their situation without doing anything different to change their situation because that is just wallowing in self-pity and that's just weak.
No more Mr.Nice guy for you. No more being a wuss. No more being a door mat.
Start to stand up for yourself. Change yourself for you.
