I am so sorry, Norm. I think many of us can relate to the intense pain, shock and overall craziness that we feel when we learn that our spouse is embroiled in an affair.
The pain is intense. We may disagree on how to handle the affair or have our own reasons for handling things the way we did but the common thread for all of us is the pain.
Take a day or two and let this all sink in. Reacting on emotion will only cause more problems. Put yourself first.
This will continue to consume you until you make the decision to not allow it to consume you. It is overwhelming, I understand. Right now, right this very second can you do something for five minutes that is more productive than thinking about your W and the affair? Don't worry about the whole day or even an hour. Right now think about the next five minutes. How about a brisk walk or run with music you love?
Many of us here understand the pain you feel. I am so sorry you have to experience it. We will be here to help you.
Not yet. Waiting for OM to come into the gym to work out so I can strike up a conversation and find out where she works. I have the home phone but I don't want to call it for fear of tipping OM off.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
There are cellphone apps that will spoof any incoming caller ID that you want. You could call their home, and make it show up as if, say, Police Benevolent Fund or something was calling.
Just a thought. I do agree that you should NOT talk to her until your head is in a better place than it sounds like it is today. However, the "chicken-and-the-egg" that you're going to be facing here is that I don't think you're going to GET to a significantly better place until you've DONE something about this. Men are typical "fixers" and don't do well sitting by passively, allowing our minds to run away from us.
You may want to consider asking your doctor about some anti-anxiety meds. They really helped me a LOT, and many of them do take a couple of weeks to kick in.
I am just curious why you think OM would give you information about his W and where she works? To me that is very odd and not something that would be shared.
I didn't mention my H's affair for FIVE MONTHS but I knew and my H knew I knew. So, don't be surprised of both OM and your W know you know but have said nothing.
This is simply my opinion but if you strike up a conversation with OM and ask about his W and where she works you are essentially telling OM that you know about the A and he will take measures to make sure his W is kept in the dark or make you look like the crazy person.
I am so sorry, Norm. I think many of us can relate to the intense pain, shock and overall craziness that we feel when we learn that our spouse is embroiled in an affair.
The pain is intense. We may disagree on how to handle the affair or have our own reasons for handling things the way we did but the common thread for all of us is the pain.
Take a day or two and let this all sink in. Reacting on emotion will only cause more problems. Put yourself first.
This will continue to consume you until you make the decision to not allow it to consume you. It is overwhelming, I understand. Right now, right this very second can you do something for five minutes that is more productive than thinking about your W and the affair? Don't worry about the whole day or even an hour. Right now think about the next five minutes. How about a brisk walk or run with music you love?
Many of us here understand the pain you feel. I am so sorry you have to experience it. We will be here to help you.
Thank you, CG. I try to distract, but I’m not very good at it yet. Of course, I’ve only known about the A for a week. It’s still pretty fresh.
And you’re right about acting on emotion. A dozen times a day a thought will pop into my head about saying something or doing something and I have stop myself by saying, “Don’t! Don’t react. You’ll only make things worse.”
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I didn't mention my H's affair for FIVE MONTHS but I knew and my H knew I knew. So, don't be surprised of both OM and your W know you know but have said nothing.
Wow! How in the world did you deal with that?
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This is simply my opinion but if you strike up a conversation with OM and ask about his W and where she works you are essentially telling OM that you know about the A and he will take measures to make sure his W is kept in the dark or make you look like the crazy person.
I think I can pull it off. For example, last conversation OM and I had he talked about going shopping for furniture with his W that evening. I’d start by asking if they found anything they both liked and let the conversation meander around to asking, “By the way, what does your W do?” I’m pretty sure W and OM think I’m clueless. Since finding out about the A I’ve gone out of my way (without overdoing it) to be friendly with OM and acting dumb and gullible.
Although, the thought has occurred to me that upon seeing the cell phone records OM’s W might go into denial. I know I was in denial for a while. If that happens, she’ll either do nothing or confront him. He’ll deny, paint me as the crazy, jealous H, and he and my W will just more careful.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Just a thought. I do agree that you should NOT talk to her until your head is in a better place than it sounds like it is today. However, the "chicken-and-the-egg" that you're going to be facing here is that I don't think you're going to GET to a significantly better place until you've DONE something about this. Men are typical "fixers" and don't do well sitting by passively, allowing our minds to run away from us.
Correct on both counts, Puppy. My head is not in a good place and I know it. Also right about the “fixing” thing. It’s VERY hard to know what is going on and not DO something about it NOW.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
Norm, you asked how I kept it to myself for 5 months. It wasn't easy but I had my reasons. I dropped just enough hints for my H to have a very clear picture that I knew exactly what was going on without actually saying it. One day I casually said to him that it must be awful to have friends and co-workers that are so unloyal. He asked what I meant and I just winked at him and smiled and said "oh, just a thought that popped in my head". This began months of paranoid behavior by my H but he wasn't living with me anymore so I didn't have to deal with it. In fact, I went dark and let him wonder.
I had very strategic reasons for handling things the way I did. I knew there was no chance of my H and I getting back together so I did what I had to do for me and my future.
In fact, it angered him that I would not just come out and say it because he had no clue exactly what I knew but he knew I knew *something*.
This began months of BS coming out of his mouth that I simply would not listen to. He would tell me each day he can't be married anymore and I started to say things like "I understand, it's hard to be married with outside circumstances dictating your life" and that threw him off and made him stop dead in his tracks.
It was a power play on my part and one I used very wisely. Now, we don't have children so I didn't have anybody else to consider. Had children been involved I might have handled things in a different way.
When I did confront him in a very calm way he flipped out. The less I fed into him the more angry he got. He knew he was done and anything short of total cooperation on his part would result in an absolute public sh*t storm that he would not soon forget.
We don’t have kids, either. But I am holding out hope for my marriage. W has said she’s “done”, but we know that isn’t always the case.
As you know, I’m dealing with a bizarre bag of thoughts and emotions right now. I know this is going to sound emotional and probably irrational, but this is a good place for me to vent.
One of the thoughts that is eating at me is this: I’m so lonely without her. But she’s not lonely. She and OM are having big ol’ time. Texting, calling, having sex, working out together (right in front me in my gym). She’s not having to deal with many of the consequences of walking out. That galls me.
Last edited by Norm914; 12/08/0905:13 PM.
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
