Trying to keep hope alive

[scared n alone]

I know this is long, but it is 18 years in the making! This is my first time ever posting, but I need something to help me get through this. I have been with my husband for 18 years. We dated for 7 (Starting in High school and thru college) and married for 11. We are both 35. He is a professional and I am a SAHM. We have three beautiful kids, 9,7, and 5. I worked as a teacher for 5 years, but when we had our third, WE decided it would be best for me to stay at home. The first 5 years of our marriage was great. We had fun, we loved raising our kids.

Another activity my husband partakes in is he is a musician. Mainly musicals for high schools, colleges, and theater companys. By year 7, he started taking on more jobs at night. He is incredibly talented at that and he really took a liking to the extra money and how much people appreciated him. Next thing you know, he was doing show after show and gone at least 3 nights a week. I wanted him home more, but he loved it and he was NEVER the one to take a liking to my opinion. I learned over the years to just keep quiet or it would end in a fight. By year 8 he was working with college students a lot. I knew deep down inside, he liked it because he never got to live out that part of his life. We were having problems. There was a lot of silence and not talking, but he HATED to talk. Even if it was very calm, he considered it fighting. In this year, I had a miscarriage and was devisated. He was soooo mad when I told him I was pregnant. I believe by the grace of God he knew it wasn't right for us and we weren't in the place to bring a baby into this world.

By year 9 he came to me and said it was OVER. It took a few days, but i figured out he was having an EA with a student from the college. They texted ALL the time and he talked a lot in the garage. He left the house for two weeks, but he came back and promised to never see or talk to her again. We agreed to work on it and he agreed to stay away from college shows. We went to counseling 4 times, but then we stopped because things were ok. He also felt like all I did in counseling was complain about him. We had ups and downs. He would throw at me this isn't working and we "tried". He threatened to leave a lot.

He is loved at his professional job and his musical job. He has surrounded himself with early 20's who put him on a pedistool. My H is attractive, built, talented, funny and everyone loved him. He was great at everything, except being a husband. People can't believe the person he is behind closed doors. He comes from a divorced M and D who did so in thier 50's. Dad was very verbally and phys abusive to mom. While he isn't hitting me, he is Emotionally abusive.

By year 10, it started going downhill fast. I wanted to go to MC, but he didn't. He said if it takes counseling than it should be. Ever since the miscarriage, I wanted another baby and he didn't. We are both very strong willed and wouldn't let up. He would continue to buy anything he wanted. Two motorcycles, quads, each son has a motorcycle. In addition to that, we already had a camper, a 50,000 truck we use 3 months out of the year. He was ALWAYS buying things. I really wanted a new refrigerator and he said no and went and bought my son a $1000 motorcycle. He was taking show after show and was never home. I felt very single and alone. He started into another college show. I told him I didn't like it and he didn't care. He said he needed to work so much because I didnt' work. According to him it wasnt' fair that he ahd to work all day and I got to stay home and do whatever I wanted. I think he really wanted to be this successful musician and he cant' have that now!

I found out through a phone call confirming his appt that he schedled a vasectomy. I was so upset. He didn't care. When the time came, i didn't take him, pick him up or wasn't there when he got home. We didn't talk for three days. After that I called and asked if we could talk about it and he said there is nothing to tlak about. He came home and I sat next to him. He looked at me and said "you better change, I have one foot out the door" WOW, that was hard. He doesn't feel as though he does anything wrong. I told him that when He wants someting, he gets it and my approval is a bonus. when I want somthing, I ask and he says no. The next day he was very lovey towards me, he apolgized for the day before, I was very confused. Three days later, He leaves. he packed up his clothes on Halloween. (Hi sons B-Day) and wasn't there when we came home) he told the kids "mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore so Daddy has to leave" Great lesson by the way@!

So here i am....scared and alone. It has been one month. I did the typical crying and begging for two weeks. We emailed, but he get very nasty and mean. He is a reactor, then a regettor. I told him to pick two days and those would be the SAME two days to see the kids until the next phase. His response was maybe I should speed things up with the divorce than. If he could have erased me within the first week he would have. It is all very hurtful and sad. I filed for support two weeks ago because he is like the wind with paying, he started threatening me that he wouldn't pay at all.

Through all this, I still maintain that I want him to see this is workable and come home. I pray everyday and hope that this could be true. I love him much and I believe he loves me. In Sept, I asked him "Do you love me? I know we don't like each other, but do you love me?" He said yes. When I asked him after he left, did he mean it or just didn't want to hurt me, he said he doesn't want to answer that.

I received the divorce papers today. Another mountain to climb. I will contest it.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I love reading the success stories and hope one day I can write my own. I do believe we can work this out! Prayer and belief is all I have right now