Not to interrupt Thinker's question (which I think is a very good one - and one both he and I are grappling with at the moment), but I thought I would update on the conversation last night, which did not go well, but went like I thought it would.
All of this started with a discussion my SIL (my brother's W) had with my W yesterday. SIL had asked me about getting our respective families together to exchange gifts for Christmas. SIL asked if she should do that through me or my W. Since W had complained before about my family not reaching out to her, I told SIL it would be a good thing if she called my W and set that up.
So SIL calls W yesterday. At one point in the conversation, SIL says she is happy W has changed her mind and decided to go to MC. W responds with "I'm not going for reconciliation - only for co-parenting." SIL is surprised and apparently the conversation moves into my SIL saying, compassionately, that what W is doing is wrong and SIL simply doesn't agree. And this is not the conversation I thought was going to occur - had I known, I would have handled setting this up. But, SIL did not say anything that was untrue. W stressed that she had told all her family to be open to me and talk with me.. SIL pointed out, well, why shouldn't your family be open with GIMA, YOU are leaving GIMA. Probably doesn't work for GIMA's family in this context. W: Well, you have a point there.
W's version of the W-SIL conversation is much different. Per W, SIL gave her a sermon, condemned her and said she was not concerned with anyone but GIMA and his well being.
SIL calls me to let me in on this before I get home. I thanked her for giving me a heads up.
So, I got home last night and W is clearly NOT talking to me. After we put the kids to bed, W, without any discussion, retreats to her bedroom and shuts the door - WAY earlier than normal. I knocked on her door and said if she had 5 minutes, I wanted to talk to her. She says ok as if nothing is wrong and what ever could I want.
I told her SIL had called me today, and W launches into an angry discussion to recount W's version of W-SIL discussion. I let her vent, then said I have two things. One, I did not know SIL was going to have "that" discussion with you and had I known, I would have asked SIL not to do so. Two we appear to be sideways on why we are going to MC.
I walked W back through the discussion we had before where she said she would go to MC and I did so verbatim. As I am recounting the prior discussion word for literal word, W is shaking her head to signal "No." When I finish, she says she always told me she would only go for "co-parenting" and never said she would see a "reconciliation C." I told her just like the previous discussion we had, if she cannot place reconciliation on the table of possibilities, I do not want to go to MC. Told her I would cancel the MC appt. "Fine!"
GIMA: I have no interest in going to C'ing to learn how to be a better D'd husband.
Told W there are only 2 alternatives - either we work on the M or we set about tearing it apart. There is NO third alternative. I am not going to try to convince someone to have a R with me who does not want to.
Asked her how she thought we would tell the kids. She says she wants to go to MC to find out the best way. I told her that I did not plan to tell the kids, that SHE would, with me present. That this is HER decision, and her decision ALONE. She did not like that one bit. Says I am selfish and am not looking out for the kids' best interest. I, of course, respectfully disagree.
I explained that her decision brings along with it consequences. She says Consequences?!?! If that's what you have to tell yourself to feel better, so be it. W angry at this point.
W complains that I will not go to MC with her to learn to be a better co-parent and now she has to go alone "on her birthday." Her b'day is close to the day of the MC appt. Then W says now she doesn't even know if I (yes, ME) will do anything for her on her birthday. Wow, I thought we were talking about the future of our family, which I don't think includes YOUR birthday. Wow. Somewhat out of left field.
So, those are the main points. I simply have no emotional energy left for W. W has re-written what we VERY clearly discused in the talk where she agreed to go to MC. I understand why. I am not sad or depressed. Just disappointed.
So, I think I have now hopped into the saddle of Thinker's dragon. I'll try to fly straight. Don't see any other alternative but D at this point. I am still open to working on the M, but that is wasted effort unless W also wants to work on the M.
