Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Not much to report. W called. Says this week is going to be very difficult for her. Can I take the kids here, can I take them there? Etc. Sure, I say in my best voice.

Friday, she signed D10 up for a play. It's my weekend. She asked if she could have D7 and I take D10. The auditions are long and boring.

I said no, I'd rather have D7. I have a Christmas party to go to and D7 can go with me.

She said she'd bring a book to read.

I feel like I'm allowing to cake-eat in these conversations. Then again, I don't have to really change my schedule that much and I didn't let her screw up my Friday.

Patience, patience, patience. Month seven out of the house will be in the books on Friday.

[awest1217]

It is good to see that you are going to keep D7. It seems like you and W have split the girls, D10 is yours and D7 is hers, but it is nice to see you are telling her no and that you are going to spend some one-on-one time with her.

Also, maybe instead of dreading each month anniversary, maybe take a little time Friday to evaluate how you have changed and the good progress that has been made. As you keep saying, in 7 months you have stopped the D, and now you are in a weird place, but the D has stopped. You also have said it has been 3 years of this coldness between you and W so just 7 months won't fix that. Maybe instead of thinking solely about DBing, maybe you should look into how to reconcile. Look at how to date again? Just something to think about.

Have a good night!

[ClingingToHope]

Awest, I actually spend a lot of time with both. It's just D10 has a lot of organized activities so it seems like she gets more attention.

I think I'm still in DBing mode. The key to DBing is to make her come to me. We're nowhere near that. Right now it's still trying to fend off a D. Reconciling is waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy down the road.

In fact, the planner in me was taking control tonight. After the phone call today where it seemed like she was cake eating again, I started to think how long I can wait.

I'm starting to believe -- in my head -- that Mother's Day, one year out of the house, seems like the right time to make a major decision.

If we're sitting there on mother's day and going in no direction, I may have to file just to push a resolution.

Of course, tomorrow I may think differently. Tonight, I feel like a need something concrete to latch on to.

[mishka422]

Well, trust me, there is nothing concrete about D. All it does is legally sever the ties to your S but doesn't shut the door on anything. A premature D is even worse than limbo. It feels like a death sentence.

Just don't give yourself any deadlines.

[ClingingToHope]

I see your point, but I don't like so much uncertainty. I want to begin saving for Las Vegas in 2011, New York in 2013, etc.

I want to take control of my life -- and I know people will jump in and say DBing is taking control -- but only to a point.

As long as we're still in this M, you always have a foot in the door and another out of the door.

I'm not saying that on Mother's Day I will file. I will say by Mother's Day I will have saved enough for a retainer and if there's been no improvement in the situation I'm going to have a long talk with God and my attorney -- in that order.

[ClingingToHope]

W calls to talk about her night. She's the late night supervisor -- she didn't know that -- and needs to call the after school sitter to ask her to stay later. I give her the number.

It's just so strange to have these conversations -- that are like the thousands we've had before -- and think that this is it for us. Co-parents only.

[ClingingToHope]

OK. NEED INPUT. It's snowing about 10 inches outside. I get to go home to my nice maintained townhouse and not worry about it. W will have to shovel the driveway or she'll have no chance of getting her little Toyota Matrix out of the garage and off to work.

I was considering -- as a nice gesture -- going over there later tonight and if she hasn't done it, shoveling it myself.

I wouldn't make a habit of it. Just a one-time thing.

What do you think?

[awest1217]

I don't know. It would help W to understand more about how hard it is to be alone, however it would be a nice gesture. H came to shovel mine on Monday, although nothing accumulated, but it made me feel good. Do what you really feel is best. Search your heart and soul, and do what will make you feel happy and then do it without looking back and no regrets.

[motherof3]

I am not an expert on these boards, but I think the answer depends on your mindset. Why are you contemplating shoveling her drive? Would you be doing this manual labor because it is the right thing to do? Or would you be expecting some type of acknowledgement from W?

[TrentC]

I was considering -- as a nice gesture -- going over there later tonight and if she hasn't done it, shoveling it myself.

I wouldn't make a habit of it. Just a one-time thing.

What do you think?

I think I hear this in your future...

"Why won't you come shovel it again? You did it once before."