Evening went good. No confrontation. Her only relationship comment was that we need to go out more often if we want an emotional connection. I agreed and suggested she initiate due to her busy schedule.
She became very uncomfortable when discussion of Tiger Wood's situation came up. Go figure.
M-49 W-48 M-18, T-24 S-12 -------------- 12/08-ILYBINILWY 3/09-EA & PA Discovered 4/09-Began DBing 1/10-2nd Bomb PA Fully Disclosed
I agreed and suggested she initiate due to her busy schedule.
You need to lead on the going out. Sounds like one of her LLs might be QT.
Is your wife going along with your boundaries?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She is planning on attending a seminar/workshop this Sat, titled "What Women Need To Know About Divorce."
She's testing you. State your boundary regarding the affair, transparency and that if she needs to know what it's like to be divorced she can start by moving out if she doesn't agree.
She's either in or out. She's waiting on you to make the call.
Go read Overburdended's thread.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She agreed to support and respect my open marriage boundary in MC today.
MC will continue weekly and she said that we have to much time invested in our marriage to end it at this point. Future transparency will need to be establish in order for her to regain my trust and she knows I don't trust her right now but she can't undertsand why. I stated the facts as evidence.
She definitely confirmed that QT is her LL. I've planned a dinner date for us tonight.
What are the next DB steps?
M-49 W-48 M-18, T-24 S-12 -------------- 12/08-ILYBINILWY 3/09-EA & PA Discovered 4/09-Began DBing 1/10-2nd Bomb PA Fully Disclosed
She agreed to support and respect my open marriage boundary in MC today.
MC will continue weekly and she said that we have to much time invested in our marriage to end it at this point. Future transparency will need to be establish in order for her to regain my trust and she knows I don't trust her right now but she can't undertsand why. I stated the facts as evidence.
She definitely confirmed that QT is her LL. I've planned a dinner date for us tonight.
What are the next DB steps?
You sound like you're on the right track. I'm happy for you!
I'm going to shamelessly poach these comments from MWD over in the Piecing forum:
Quote:
"1. The first Golden Rule, "Do real giving" talks about the importance of doing to others what others would have done unto them, a definite twist on the real Golden Rule. What do you think about this?
2. The second Golden Rule, "Don't forget to laugh," reminds you about the importance of humor in marriage. Can you think of a time when you solved a marital problem by using your sense of humor?
3. The third Golden Rule, "Listen to each other," reminds you about the importance of putting aside your commentaries, reactions, and defensiveness and just simply acknowledging your partner's point of view. What do you think about this idea?
4. The fourth Golden Rule, "Live by the stranger standard," discusses the importance of treating your spouse at least as well as you might a complete stranger. What do you think about this?
5. The fifth Golden Rule, "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself," emphasizes the vast benefits of letting go and forgiving your partner. Do you find it difficult to forgive your partner when you feel wronged? What methods have you found helpful to move you beyond a lack of forgiveness? You can re-read the article I wrote on forgiveness, if that will help.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
In reviewing the past history of our relationship and marriage during MC, I guess I missed class, didn't pay attention, was stupid or just forgot about some of the critical facts. I want to send this e-mail to Mrs. NOMAD and the MC for clarifications and establish a basis for future discussions.
Any comments or recommendations?
Mrs. NOMAD-
With all due respect, during our MC, I take serious exception to your default response of “SEE, HE NEVER LISTENS” whenever we reach a point of disconnection,failure to communicate or recollection of the past. I find this statement highly disrespectful and naive on your part and will no longer accept it as a reasonable reply in future discussions.
Please always remember and fully accept the fact that I am from Mars and you are from Venus, we have not, do not and will never speak the same language. Also, as a woman, your ability to retain and recall information from the past is acutely superior to mine, as a man, and I will never challenge that fact. Our attempts to change this in the past has caused serious damage and harm to our marriage and relationship. I hope we can both strive to better understand and interpret each other’s intentions and desires in the future.
When we reach these junctures in the future, can we please consider other possibilities for the disconnection, such as:
• Your statement may not have been audible and clearly received by me due to a physical separation or obstruction such as a wall or door between us. • Your statement was combined with other topics or information and was not received by me as distinctly as you intended. • Due to the situation there may have been distractions that reduced the importance of your statement and the need to store it for future retrieval. • You fully intended to communicate the information, but never did, and eventually you came to believe that it was communicated at some point in the past. • The discussion or information has become part of the re-writing of the history of our relationship, that you have so actively been involved with in the past year. • I just flat out forgot about the original discussion because I’m a man from Mars.
As we have both learned, validation is the key to successful communication, especially when dealing with critical and sensitive information.
Loving Regards, Mr. NOMAD
M-49 W-48 M-18, T-24 S-12 -------------- 12/08-ILYBINILWY 3/09-EA & PA Discovered 4/09-Began DBing 1/10-2nd Bomb PA Fully Disclosed
I understand your feelings here but you aren't validating her. You need to change and model great communication for her. Never/always/nobody/everybody/ etc are all signs of pessismisitc thinking ("Learned Optimism - Seligman.)
"I understand you don't think I listen. I will not let you characterise it as "Never" that is not fair to me. Since I responded it proves I listened it just wasn't what you needed at the time. I want to solve this problem because I love you. How can I help show you I am listening so that you feel "heard" ?"
Lead, it's what she wants.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
With all due respect, during our MC, I fully understand that you do not think I listen to you. I must take exception to your characterization of this as “NEVER” listening, this is not fair to me and I will not allow you to describe my behavior in this manner. Since I’ve responded it proves I listened it just wasn't what you needed at some other time. I want to solve this problem because I love you. How can I help show you I am listening so that you feel "heard" ?"
Loving Regards, Mr. NOMAD
Is this an improvement?
M-49 W-48 M-18, T-24 S-12 -------------- 12/08-ILYBINILWY 3/09-EA & PA Discovered 4/09-Began DBing 1/10-2nd Bomb PA Fully Disclosed
