Well one of the things she said was things were ok with her and exh UNTIL she started mentioning his drinking and how it seems out of control and he immediately started pulling away from her. Within a month she caught him cheating. OW and exh was a good type of relationship for exh...she always had her kids so their time was sporadic at best. He likes to have his alone time to do whatever...maybe hide and drink, be a recluse, feel like crap about himself.
I think this tells us some things. mentioning drinking is not the right solution. BUT, what is the right solution?
I think the reason he pulls away is because he doesn't want to be looked at as the bad guy, or the pathetic guy. He already hates himself and he is trying to keep this bad part of him hidden.
This lack of selfworth can do a lot to people. Some people just put a wall around themselves and try to help everyone else. Some people close themselves off to everyone. Some people become mean, and some people become addicts.
IMHO, I think your H needs encouragement. Telling him what he does wrong does no good. But using action with your boundaries, not words, will be best when he does make bad choices, and in the meantime encouraging the good behavior, and trying to think of things that will get him thinking. and of course praying for him. he needs a lot of that.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I do agree that there are two people that screw up a M, but there is never an excuse for cheating. Never. That is just taking the easy way out (which actually isn't the easiest way). I feel hurt for the whole Tiger family. He was having affairs for at least 3 years with 3 different women. That wasn't a one time slip up, that was a pattern. I hope they can repair their M and have a stronger one than ever.
Exh is texting already this morning saying he had a nice time last night. Wasn't sure at first if he liked hanging out with baby and I the best or what came after. So glad I didn't let myself completely cave in. As much as I wanted to, I would have regretted it. He was full of ILY's but I only said it back once.
I do not want to be this mans booty call. But even after everything that has happened, he still gets to me like no other!
Ok, today we have music class with baby!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
your not suppose to do anything physical with him yet silly!!!
do not, please please please go any farther than you did last night. please do not sleep with him. then your enabling him to be a cake eater. I know you probably really enjoyed it, and it felt good, but try to get on track. And, what are you going to do next time when he tries that again? when you say no, he's going to be mad. But, your just going to have to tell him that in both of your interests it is best to not be physical unless you have both decided to try and work on the M again.
and if for some reason he says he wants to??? you know that he's not well yet, and he will probably still hide things, so you need to figure out what he needs to be doing, for how long, before you will consider it. counseling (with a good counselor) is a must IMHO. His history is too long, and this character is too messed up to not have help.
how are you feeling today now after all that happened?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thank you ST! I think we were posting at the same time.
How am I today? Hmmm....feels good but very scary. I agree with everything you said.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
SO2...What are you DOING...I understand the needs and your feelings for him but not now, you know this...
No way is he ready to change, you still think he is drinking and doing the pills, when he gets them...
If you let him stay over Christmas eve you will sleep with him, and that's not good for either of you.
Know this I would like nothing more for you two to work things out but you've got to be stronger right now.
Trust me! I know! I have been beating myself up all morning. The affection. The words. The actions. I was weak.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I agree with V, the chances of you sleeping with him xmas eve are great.
besides the fact that he could HAVE something with all these past women, it will not increase your chances of helping him fix himself, or for things to be better, IMHO. In other cases, I feel it is a good thing to do most of the time, but this is a totally diff sitch.
don't beat yourself up though!! you really didn't do anything wrong, it's just not the best choice to make right now for either of you. so don't dwell on it, it's okay.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, and yes, I agree, there is never a reason to have an affair. But I explain that to show WHY people have affairs. It's just a fact of life. because we are human and sinful and weak, we do stupid things. 3 years and 3 women huh? well, I think the media should stay out of it for the most part, and let them work out their problems. famous people do have it rough in that respect. but, they make the choice to live in that life so they have to deal with what comes with it.
and I'm not so keen on the ILYs. I think it best for you never to say it. and when he does say it, maybe you can think of something to say that will distract that. ?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I know VD! I know you weren't being an A$$..I appreciate your support and insight.
ST..I am very thankful I didn't sleep with him.
As far as Xmas Eve goes, my other kids will be here anyway so I won't let him stay. I don't want them to feel strange. He can come early in the morning.
We have been busy this morning and missed a few of his texts. I almost forgot..MGF is having her 'major' surgery today. I felt bad for her for a millisecond. She had no idea that the man she loves was at my house last night more than willing to sleep with me while she was checking in to the hospital. I know he ended it with her (at least for now), but why do I feel bad for her? She has her own HUSBAND that is there with her now!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
BUT, what is the right solution?