I'm so sorry GIMA. I had such high hopes for you and your W to R your M. God's love and abundance be with you. You and your children will be in my prayers.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
The more things that you can find to inject humor....the better. That is one reason I always suggest that couples watch funny movies, etc. instead of anything serious. As hard as it is, things need to stay in a "light" atmosphere as much as possible.
So sorry about the MC, but I'm not surprised b/c WAW's do not have the mindset for MC. In their minds, they are already D from the MR so they see no need for it. In some cases it may hurt more than it helps.....so maybe you could look at it from that standpoint.
Every day that she is there gives you one more day to show her what a great catch you will be for somebody else!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So here's a question for everyone out there... (Hijacking GIMA's thread for him...)
This seems to happen frequently (here in GIMA's sitch, multiple times in my own sitch, in others, etc): A sitch is in limbo - no D in progress, but no reconciliation. The R seems to be getting friendlier and closer and the WAS suggests going to MC (or retro, etc). Once there, however, they close up, say they are done, want only to talk about how bad the R is and say the MC is only to talk about coparenting, etc.
Why do they do this?
If they are done, then why do they want to go to a MC? What do they hope to gain by going to a MC to talk about getting divorced? If they want to get divorced, why not just schedule a discussion with a mediator?
It would seem that while coparenting discussions with a MC would be a good thing to have once the details of the D are worked out, having them before working through the mediation process or before either person has filed for D would seem to be very premature.
Is the WAS looking for the LBS and the C to validate his or her desire to leave the M? Are they looking for confirmation of their decision? or do they just want to have their negative thoughts heard and validated and don't feel they can do that without a C?
Feedback? Your thoughts?
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BTW, my opinion is in no way learned, but I would think that the best line to hold would be "If you want to talk about improving our R in some way, then by all means let's go talk to a MC. If you want to talk about getting a D, then let's visit a mediator. But let's not mix them up."
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
They do this for appearances, and to relieve guilt. To say "see? I even tried marriage counseling, but our marriage was just too far gone."
In my sitch, I even overheard my then-wayward wife talking to her brother on the phone, saying "I'm just going so that I can tell Mom and Dad and the kids that I went. But there's no way I'm going to stay married to him."
So I refused to go, until she ended her affair. It's generally a waste of time and the family's resources (unless insurance covers it; mine didn't) to MC while one of the spouses is in an active affair. Even Retrouvaille won't take a couple for a weekend under those conditions.
That happened to me early on in my sitch. It seemed to me that it was exactly what you said. She was looking for validation and justification to leave.
I think they hate limbo too. This may be their way of generating movement toward something other than limbo. I don't k ow if my W did the consciously but this process seems to fit pretty well with her actions.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
In the sitches I am thinking about, there is not an active affair, but I agree that there is probably a lot of guilt.
It's almost like they want the C and the LBS to tell them "You are right, this M is horrible and it is not at all your fault. It will indeed never change. In fact, it's so bad and so completely not your fault the LBS should should just shoulder all of the blame and the work of the D so that you can finally be happy"
Now that is a bit unfair and definitely tongue-in-cheek, but I do think a big part of it is them looking for validation of their general feelings of unhappiness, resentment, dissatisfaction, etc.
It still astounds me a bit. I keep thinking "If you want to leave, then leave! Start the D process! Why the MC?"
Last edited by Thinker; 12/08/0903:42 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
