Libby The crises is hard on the kids at first, they wonder what happened to the cpmmitted dad they once knew he is no longer available to them and as time goes on he may remian the same or be more or less available I always told my kids dad was working things out life is like that sometimes people go thru stuff It is not about tham I never bad mouthed him but I was only as honest about the situation as I believed his MLC was real that seemed to help my kids Now they mainly focus on their own lives school friends activities I am here for them as much as I can we have gotten closer over these almost 3 years your kids will hopefully be ok they are strong and will see your courage as you travel the high road peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have read here and I see a lot of you are doing things for when H returns so you will be different etc…
Don’t do this stuff for him, he will know that is why you are doing it. You have to make the changes for you. It is the only way.
Look in the mirror, reflect, see what you want to do differently. Then do it.
It was my teenage S who actually first suggested H was MLC. I have let him read and learn as much as I have about it once I was pretty sure what I was dealing with. Maybe you should try to just give the kids some general MLC info (at least the older ones). There is no need to tell them what happened to your H as a child (if they don’t know), what you think triggered it (if you do know). Just enough to help them understand.
As far as the detatching, it comes in stages for us. It is the way it is supposed to be. You and only you will know when you are detatched enough.
Just remember, this really is a marathon, can be the best thing that ever happened to you if you do the work, and there are no guarantees regarding the marriage. The only guarantee is that you will be better for this if you choose to.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks for your continuing support. Your advice is always welcome.
I did touch on MLC with my D19 as she found me looking at info. She promptly met her dad and asked him if he had it! He said he didn't know but if he had he had had it since he was 40. He has now extended the length of time he was unhappy in the marriage from 8 years to 12 years.
Consequently I try not to discuss it now as my daughters' advice was he's not coming back, he is very happy with OW and detaching from us! None of which I see but I didn't argue.
Yesterday my eldest daughter said he had done us a favour by moving out. Their relationship is very precarious. They used to be very close but she knew about OW before me and H even asked D21 to have coffee with them!
Men don't understand emotion do they. I realise the kids are hurting at the moment and they to are trying to put their lives back together.
True some of the changes are issues that he raised when he left and I could see that they were correct i.e controlling, not listening, not much physical contact.
On reflection I had stopped doing things for myself over the last few years as too absorbed with child rearing. Now I have taken time out for myself i.e buying new clothes, new hairstyle.
I also needed to get my body into shape as that had slipped as well and although I was aware I did nothing about it. After my wake up call I am putting these things right for me.
If H comes back he will benefit but if not I will continue to benefit in the long term.
Detaching is difficult. Some days I manage it, other days I struggle. Particularly around finances as he is getting himself into a hole. This is an issue he would never have done before he departed on his journey, but of course he is supporting us plus OW who likes to be wined and dined and have nice things. I keep working at detaching.
I've never run a marathon before so this is all very new.......
You actually sound like you are doing very well and that you understand what you are dealing with.
I am glad you see the legitimate complaints and are trying to deal with them. Some of the will actually be valid.
Talking to the MLCer about them being in MLC is usually a very difficult thing because even though they know something is wrong, they don’t want to believe it is them.
I am sorry about how he is dealing with the kids but it too is standard. Kids are something many of us struggle with still. The thought of D and what it does to them sucks, but watching the R deterioriate before your eyes is very different. It is also hard for us LBS to fathom because if they weren’t before, the kids usually become a very central part of our lives.
You actually sound like me a bit, your kids were very central to you, despite your own needs and that is a difficult hurdle to get over. But it sounds like you are finding the balance. That is definitely something I wish I had done a long time ago, but I love that I am doing it now.
Minute by minute, day by day, that is how this works.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Your right H is in complete denial about why he has left and continues to blame me and the marriage.
I truly believe that the children and I are more intune with each other. As parents we have had to support our children with their dyslexia which has been time consuming but now they are settled and growing up and doing well in school.
When the kids get angry about H I explain that he is in a place where he needs to learn to live and not to be too hard on him at the moment. I'm hoping time will heal their sorrow. He was very much a 24/7 hands on dad and now see's them for about an hour per week which is difficult for them.
On a more positive note they are growing stronger, as am I, day by day.
Well today my H and 3 of the four children (eldest away at Uni) plus my parents are going out for a meal to 'celebrate' H birthday on 5th despite him going extremely quiet over the past two weeks. He hasn't seen the kids or phoned then but has answered texts from them but more slowly than normal. The return text have been to the point when he normally chats with them. At times you could feel the despair in them. Even my D19 notice that.
My intuition told me he was pulling away so I left him alone and I think the kids didn't text as much though they were sad he wouldn't spend his birthday with them but chose to spend it in his flat with OW.
After his previous cycling when he has visited i.e spending time with me on our own, standing very close and touching my arm, I am interested in seeing his reaction today. One thing I have noticed that he was texting the children up to 48 hours after they have text him last week. Since yesterday he has been getting straight back to them.
I feel so nervous. It's worse than a first date, though I don't show it. Try to act 'as if' when he's around. Wish us luck!
L If your H is anything like mine, you will notice a lot of waffling especially in begiinning of crises they spend time with us and kids then they back off they dont answer calls then they answer they are very inconsistant, I think becaUSE they are torn between two worlds they still have a foot in the family worlf the other foot is in tennage land with ow, new friends ect freedom they seem to get moments of clarity then they return to their other world nothing means anything really I understand your anxiety/ fear about seeing him this is all a process and a journey for us you will do fine and yes it is probably the most difficult thing I ever did wa stand but the rewards are worth it no matter what happens to The M the inward rewards for doing the work are great peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Here's the update on our meal with H as we went out for 5pm and came just after 7.30pm.
When H arrived he looked tired, drawn and old, ironic as that is what he is running from. He def appears more depressed and miserable. We chatted a little bit before we left home but I left him on his own a few times in the kitchen as I was 'busy'. When we talked I was happy and light hearted. He asked who had put up the christmas decorations and got them out of the loft. He was surprised when I said me and the kids. I think he was going to offer to come and put them up for us. Ha ha tough! I think it is dawning on him we are starting to manage without him.
I wore a pair of trousers and matching blouse he'd never seen before. Even caught him looking slyly once at the restaurant! He touched my hand a couple of times when picking up cutlery etc. The kids were very entertaining when we were out and we did laugh a few times. Occasionally he looked withdrawn and sad.
Three text came in whilst we were there. One he shared with us from work, the other two ??????? (grrrrr). He excused himself from the table and I knew he was texting her. This is the controlling element. She keeps on at him so he never gets any peace from her. I don't need to say anything I will leave her to hang herself.
Anyway he didn't seem in a rush to join her in the flat as he took D19 to meet her friends in the pub early and said they could have a drink together and relax.
It was a nice evening. He'll probably go quiet now until he visits the kids next week as OW will keep a tight rein on him and make him pay for taking us out!
I'm quite sad this morning as his life is appears so pathetic now. He is even starting to let his children down. Like most men on this journey he is in huge debt and all he keeps saying is 'I have a huge payment coming through next month!. He has his own business and if he doesn't get his head screwed back on that will be at risk, something that would never previously happened.
He has changed the christmas plans so many times I have lost the plot. He appears to have changed them again. He tells D19 but doesn't tell my S15 and 13. Who knows whats happening! He has no memory of conversations we have had or plans been made. He is supposed to be coming to a christmas concert on 22nd Dec, which he appears to have completely forgotten about despite being excited about it 6 weeks ago when I bought the tickets.
He chose to spend his birthday with OW and then told me last night that the eldest D21 had sent him a birthday card. No one else did, but then he chose not to be with them or contact them! I just said 'Oh that's nice'. I don't even know his address to send any cards even if the children had asked.
All this in the 13 weeks since he moved out to be with her and he told me I was the ogre of the piece, yea right! He seems to be getting into a worse mess by the week. I know this is the path but while OW is there he won't progress through his tunnel or start hiswake up from this nightmare.
Trouble is I feel for him. After 33 years together it is hard to pull away but I have to save myself and the children. We'll just have to wait and watch.
