I dont know if it is really possible for a couple to get over infidelity. I have an example in my life, a case much worse than ours, but I really dont know how the woman did it.
It's done by many people. My cousin's did it. They are in their 70's. He had an affair decades ago. They split and got back together. He is now slowing dying of an Alzheimer's-like illness and she has cared for him all the way thru it until recently when he had to be placed in a skilled facility. She loves/loved him. He...made amends and did the work.
No one expects you to forget what he did. No one expects that you won't wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats and graphic images in your mind. It's what HE shows you when that happens that will assuage your fears, or not. A man who loves you will hold you and reassure you and love you.
Having been where you are, I know the pain and the big canvas we paint in our minds of those torrid nights. I know. This is still fresh Kalni and it doesn't go away in a few weeks/months. Healing takes a long time. Although I have (and maybe still have) huge doubts that the damage done by your H is repairable, I DO see positives and I don't post that word on everyone's thread. In fact, I refrain from saying it including the word 'babysteps'.
Many people throw that word around and it's a bunch of BS. I see people writing that 'my S took me to pick up my car today'...or...'they gave me a card'...or 'sent me a pleasant email'....and thread supporters are quick to post that 'reconciliation is just around the corner'. Balderdash. It's guilt as they head to the exit door.
True babysteps are expressions of love and desire. They are apologies for damage and efforts to be with you. They are requests for help to be with you and repair the marriage. They are moments of intimate contact...a hand extended to hold yours....a kiss...and embrace.
I rarely, if ever see it here...but...I think...I think....I'm seeing something here.
I think.
The ball is in your court Kalni. Honestly, I am not sure because although I can speak a little Greek, I don't live there and have never met you or your H. NO ONE here has. Only YOU can see the expression in his eyes or hear the inflection in his voice. Only you can see if he fidgets when he says he wants back or looks deeply in your eyes, allowing you to see into his soul and see sincerity.
Only you.
Allowing him back in is a risk. There IS a risk of you being hurt again. But...life is about risk. You have many questions to ask yourself and now you must rely on the NEW Kalni:
-do you love him?
-is he sincere and doing the work?
-does your marriage still have value to you?
-if happiness comes from within ourselves, can YOU be happy with this man again? do you PREFER to be with him?
Sagapo.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
