Is my Wife Cheating?

[chatterbug]

Thats great advice Rob.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ob, What you are feeling is normal. There is a book about dealing with the aftermath of affairs, someone will show up with the name.

Coach,

You're probably thinking of "After the Affair" by Spring and Spring.

"After the Affair"

It's exceptional.

Puppy

[Deep]

Rob is spot on there. Thing is, balancing between "the acceptance" of the work she is doing while addressing the issues coch mentioned and being open to her feelings about just forgeting it - it's really tough.

Youm ight find it's a fine line you'll walk for some time, and re-visit even as you heal.

Puppy: Actually I agree with you there 100%. What I meant was that Oblivious should not expect the W to come clean 100% just like that. which kinda goes with the para Rob quoted too.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy: Actually I agree with you there 100%. What I meant was that Oblivious should not expect the W to come clean 100% just like that. which kinda goes with the para Rob quoted too.

Again, I think it all depends on where she's claiming she's at. If she's saying "Yes, I will end it, and come back and work at trying to heal our marriage," then he should accept no less than 100% no-contact and full transparency. If she's not yet ready to claim that, then probably no.

[Steve McQueen]

McQueen,
Not sure I follow you? I was contacted by OM spouse with all of the evidence, and am gratefull that someone was on the ball, and confronted it. I contacted OM who verified evidence, but denied anything physical. I still don’t buy it. There is more I'm sure, Both OM and wife lied to me about secret contact, cell phones ect... Can’t believe anything unless I see it myself. Wife is still on the fence with regard to remorse, justification for actions, ect..back and forth with her emotions with regard to “it was just a friendship".

i am asking now that you got "the phone call" and found out the truth through a "third party," would you recommend to others who know the truth that they should pick up the phone and call the OP's spouse and let them know also? do you feel this is the appropriate method to disclose to the other person's spouse?

[Steve McQueen]

Thanksgiving day went well. She is still making nice, but I have a feeling it is superficial, for appeasement sake, and is not entirely genuine. I was feeling grief, and betrayal. No I am angry, and have a gnawing desire for the complete truth. I'm Having bad dreams with striking clarity, and am convinced that I don’t know everything. I’m having a tough time dealing with the anger and curiosity of certantly unknown depth of the A. Should I probe further, or leave it alone? I feel like I am riding a wave of false security, and the next devastating bomb is ready to detonate. Am I parinoid, or is this realistic. Should I demand more, or is it self serving and counter productive. She has gravitated back to the posture of denial, with regard to the severity of the damage. I believe she feels comfortably safe, and all should just be forgotton.

she is in the "I just got busted" stage. most of her thoughts are about how to minimize the truth and cover up what might come out. she still could be pining over the OM. You still have alot of work to do.

How much anger are you bottling up right now?

[Steady on course]

McQueen,

I believe that if is coming from a family member who is directly affected, then yes. A spouse, Son, daughter etc..If it is a friend or neighbor then it may be border line gossip, and possibly cause more harm. In my case, right after OM wife called me and dropped the bomb , My 23 year old stepson (wife's son) also told me she was seeing OM with my wife in same room. First time I have ever seen him cry. He told his mother that he was disgusted with her,and couldn't believe what she was doing. He did it the Mans way, he told me while confronting his mother at the same time. Poor kid couldn't take it anymore, and felt he had to tell me. I told him I already knew,and we were working on it.

[sandi2]

If it is a friend or neighbor then it may be border line gossip, and possibly cause more harm.

So, are you saying that you would not have believed OM's W if your step-son had not told you what he saw?

************

She's not over OM yet. If OM gives her half a chance (and maybe even if he doesn't) I think she'll continue the A and just get more sneaky. I don't say this to hurt you more, but to hopefully keep you on your toes. I can tell you that when my H confronted me that I was no where ready to give up OM or to work on the M.

I think your W was too far gone when she was busted...to stop the A that easily/quickly...without trying to do it again and not get caught the second time around.

[Steady on course]

Sandi

I believe you are correct in your analysis. I just got back from driving her father to Florida, and She doesn’t to seem to miss me much. Her affection seems false. It's like a pretend act. Nothing with her seems real and genuine anymore. She initiates intamacy, but it seems like a mechanical chore for her. I dont know what to think. It may be time to consider a different, or more singular path.

[CountingCrows]

She's not over OM yet. If OM gives her half a chance (and maybe even if he doesn't) I think she'll continue the A and just get more sneaky. I don't say this to hurt you more, but to hopefully keep you on your toes. I can tell you that when my H confronted me that I was no where ready to give up OM or to work on the M.

I think your W was too far gone when she was busted...to stop the A that easily/quickly...without trying to do it again and not get caught the second time around.

I think this is dead on. This is exactly what happened in my sitch. W was busted, and said she wanted to work things out, but without any boundaries with consequences and no transparency, she just continued it secretly for 3 more months behind my back. I'm not 100% sure that even the transparency would have worked, as she used a "secret phone" that I discovered later.