Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

Read Divorce Remedy!!!

[Day by Day]

Needing to vent/journal:

The kids did not want to spend this evening with WAH. They told him they had too much homework and wanted me to help them with it instead. So, they are visiting him in the driveway. They so badly want to tell him how angry they are with him for abandoning us. I know it's hurting them to keep it in, but they are afraid of his reaction. It should be the other way around, but WAH is heartless.

They did tell him, but he didn't care. Yep. Heartless.

[Day by Day]

Read Divorce Remedy!!!

I have it. Guess I need to RE-read it!!

[newmama]

Do you mean the kids actually told WAH that they were angry that he abandoned them?

Have you read the threads on the Newcomer's forum? I just discovered it. And you can change the search funtion to go far back in time. I always search threads and read for inspiration.

Hang in there. Stay calm, stick to THINKING not reacting. Be strategic, not emotional. (((Daybyday))) Have you watched The Women yet?

[Day by Day]

Was that bad that the kids told him they were angry? They have been suffering so much and it's been weighing on them to tell him.

Guess I reacted again, huh? I sent WAH an email today about him needing to be in therapy with them. He has written me back and forth about it. Saying he is trying to spend more time with them (I validated saying I know he loves them and that he is trying) and he will do counseling to help them. I told him that they are struggling with their feelings and set up an appt for a counselor. I offered for him to take them and he accepted. The kids are so hurt and angry at him because he said it was a temporary separation. They are so sad about the holidays and him not being home.

I also let him know that he can count on me to make it easy for him to spend more time with them like he asked. Am I being stupid doing this? I'm feeling that the kids need to spend more time with him for working things out in their relationship with him. He also was detaching too much from them because they are avoiding him. I want what's best for the kids and I don't feel their relationship with him should die a slow death. He does seem to care.

[newmama]

Sorry to give you the wrong impression with my question! I was just clarifying!

I think you did a really good thing by validating WAH for loving them etc. I am such an advocate for kids being able to see both parents in divorce/separation situations.

Your communication was about the kids and you avoided put downs, guilt trips, talking about your R! well done IMO!

[Day by Day]

I'm considering that my kids NEED contact with him no matter how I feel towards him. I didn't/don't have much family, so it's important to me for them to have as many people love them as possible. So, I want them to keep contact with WAH's family too.

I'm feeling more detached today. It was hurting pretty bad the past few days. And I was very concerned about some health tests, but they came back normal. Thank God. I'm just letting it sink in that WAH chose to replace me with a woman that is not even as good a woman as I am. He is stupid to leave me. She is not the type of woman he would be proud to present to his family. She won't fit in either. Can't believe he left me for her.

I'm feeling I don't want him back. I've been too hurt and too much has happened since he left. I need to keep those feelings to be able to detach. I'm focusing on moving on.

... thinking out loud. Trying so hard to detach.

[Day by Day]

I got to reading more posts again. I should be studying for an exam. But, I am feeling less like giving up.

Kids just came back from counseling WAH took them to, but they were just with the counselor. The counselor asked them what to share with him. They wanted him to know how angry they are with him and they want honesty about whether he is truly going to work on the M or not. They felt much better after speaking with her. As soon as WAH got to his place, he texted me that it was a good session and for me to take them next week. I didn't expect a TM, the kids told me themselves.

I also learned that he's messing up with his driving. He's miscalculating and scraped his beloved car in two different drive-thrus and scraped the rims. So unlike him. He would have flipped with any little nick. The last one happened today with the kids. They said he didn't seem to care--and the first thing he does is text me something I already knew. ???

Sort of not caring to respond. But might take it as an opportunity to keep showing my polite side and not my anger/hurt/disappointment. Eh, not really caring. Hmm... could I be closer to detaching?

[MHL]

DBD,
If he is TM to you at least that is contact initiated by him. You can chose to ignore or respond depending where you are on your DBing efforts. From what I have read on other threads this might be Limbo Land for him, or he is looking for that safety net. I get torn myself about showing interest and the possibility of the WAS wanting to start some sort of reconciliation or if I should continue with the GAL and not returning every TM, email, vmail etc.
I think that when the WAS is ready to really to try at the M we will all know it.
I think it is great that you are feeling like you do not care, I think that you are detatching!!! It starts to take the emotions out of your decisions. I think that as the LBS we all are afraid of "detatchment" to the point where if the WAS were to come crawling back for reconciliation, that we will be totally over them and not want to work on the R at that point. I think you are doing great!!! Hang in there, again this is the patience part, the hard part, the really hard part. As the LBS we have to be stronger than the WAS.

[Day by Day]

Yeah, it might be either limbo land or his safety net. As long as he is not asking for D. I waited a couple hours to respond while he usually responds immediately. Happily, I think I am feeling detached but I seem to be cycling lately. Hope I stay detached for a good while.

I do feel like if he were to want to reconcile, I will make him work for it or else he can stay away. But I'm not seeing that... yet. In fact, I wouldn't be ready anyhow.

Missherlove, thanks so much for the encouragement! I really appreciate it.