Hey guys, I feel like I'm trying however at the same time losing hope due to feeling like I'm just acting all the time! It's so weird for me since I've always just said what I feel. One of the new issues for me is that he has moved into his father's house (father passed away in Oct). Everytime I go there I'm cold and I feel tremendous pain being the person that just knocks on the door when I used to be a welcome guest.
A lot of not so good things happened there too, like this is the house he grew up in and probably where whatever happened between him and his sister took place. This is the place where he told his father and sister he wanted to marry me and I heard his sister yelling her disapproval while I waited in the car that day (he was just going to drop off a pie I made), it's where I consoled him when he lost his step mom to breast cancer and the place I was no longer a welcome guest when his father passed away (I wanted to visit his father before he died, but didn't know how he felt about me anymore, so I stayed back). And, lastly because he says he's happy alone.
I felt much different when he had an apartment too, like we were more on neutral ground. So needless to say I am having a lot of hurt and uncertainty lately and I'm feeling the walls go up when I'm around him. Unfortunately I'm like an open book when it comes to my damn emotions, so I'm sure he feels it. What kind of mindset keeps you guys upbeat and positive? In this situation, when you have a child together, we see each other frequently throughout the week, and there's no time to regroup, so it can rob me of the space I think I need right now to be away and regroup before I can start again.
This night I went to pick up our s, but I was late and he called me inconsiderate of he and our s! I kept checking in with him to let him know what was going on and that I was running late, and then, since he lives 10 - 15 mins farther than he used to, I somehow missed the exit and got lost making me later!
So, he texted me after I left about me being inconsiderate, I asked him to please understand that I worked late today, went to the gym for my usual Mon night class then took my daughter to get a bite to eat before picking up our s. The restaraunt was unusually slow with the food and the check too! So I told him I was sorry, but I also had told him that with his move, it would be harder for me to get to his new place on time since it's farther and I have a life too. (I didn't say "l have a life", to him, but tried to put it nicely, by just telling him that I have my usual Monday routine, but with my new job which is 30 mins in the opposite direction, is going to make it even harder). I also mentioned that it is painful for me to go to the house, but didn't say why. Told him I'm trying hard to just be his friend but I'm having a hard time doing just that. See that's me, honest, up front. I think I just need a little space, that I can't seem to get with the child arrangement we currently have....