I can tell you that, as a woman who'd been abused as a child, I didn't have an orgasm during vaginal intercourse until I forgave my abuser--after that suddenly I seemed to "own" my body, and it became possible.
But you did have orgasms by other means before that time?
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What moved me from that position? My H, during the course of a MLC depression, finally moved on to an emotional affair with a co-worker, which made him question whether he should leave the marriage. THAT betrayal forced me to examine whether I was happy with the marriage I had, my sex life, with letting my abuser change my view of myself--as in, I had to take responsibility for turning myself into a victim.
In retrospect, if your husband had first asked you for a divorce, and then had the relationship with that same person, do you think it would have had the same effect on you? And had he wanted to come back to you, would you have taken him back?
I'm not trying to be cynical here. One thing I've learned on this forum is that a lot of people feel strongly about the "ethical" aspect of marriage, and so I would like to know how this ethical approach might have worked for you. Is it possible that you would have come to your realization and solution after he had told you he was filing for divorce, but before he actually did? Would you have intervened and asked him to stop the divorce so that you could make an effort to help save your relationship? And would have you been sufficiently motived by the knowledge only of his intention to divorce? Or would it have required the greater pain and soul-searching of a real emotional affair to make you change?
I'm sure that it did not escape him that whatever he was doing might also have the effect of shaking you up enough to do something? Or it might be kind of a strategic move with a double purpose, so to speak. If you want him back, you'll eagerly reach out to save the marriage. And if you don't want him back, well then he's already got somebody new.
