that is a seriously difficult thing not to hold him to the standards i live by and it does feel like a complete excuse or him getting away with doing things or in case doing nothing. how in the world do you deal with that?
doesn't that seem all the better to give him boundaries on visitation with daughter then to just let them be loose?
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
that is a seriously difficult thing not to hold him to the standards i live by and it does feel like a complete excuse or him getting away with doing things or in case doing nothing. how in the world do you deal with that?
Right now, your standards are pushing him away. Is that a recurring theme in your R?
Maybe he feels like he's being held to unreasonably high standards, or that you are overly critical of him? That comes across as very controlling...
Originally Posted By: Jstar
doesn't that seem all the better to give him boundaries on visitation with daughter then to just let them be loose?
I never said it didn't. But you are apparently NC with him even in the case if your daughter, and I was just thinking that might do more harm than good.
And what exactly is wrong with them being "loose" together? That also comes across as very controlling.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
my standards probably are hard for him to meet and he does probably feel i am being very critical of him.
maybe so during the R i did have high standards, is that such a bad thing? other then if they come out as impossible to meet.
i'm probably over thinking the when to contact him i just don't want to go backwards, or push him away. i'm trying to choose the medium to get my boundaries out to him and then let him decided what he will and wont do.
i want to open the door for him come through, maybe it would start with visits with d2 and upcoming birth of son so when i do decided to come out of teh dark boundaries and consequences will be in place and he will gain respect for me.
i want to be as sure as i can if i let him take daughter without supervision i will get her back, i have no guarantee and don't trust him to return her or keep her in the united states.
i also thought on the way home, i don't think i should respond to his msg when he was fuming and angry.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
my standards probably are hard for him to meet and he does probably feel i am being very critical of him.
maybe so during the R i did have high standards, is that such a bad thing? other then if they come out as impossible to meet.
I think you answered your own question.
Did he meet your standards while you were dating, and then start to slip as time went on? Or was he seen as a "work in progress"?
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
i want to be as sure as i can if i let him take daughter without supervision i will get her back, i have no guarantee and don't trust him to return her or keep her in the united states.
What country is he from originally?
If you're concerned about him taking your daughter out of the country, you should talk to a lawyer about your options. I'm out of my depth on that one.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I could say for a good month or two his priorities were in teh right place, and then just dropped the ball. as our family and responsibilities grew he would say he couldn't take all the responsibilities, we parted for 9 months.
he is orginally from mexico, he does not have a complete legal status to be in the united states and legally is not permitted to work in the united states. thus by law, he is not legally resonsible to pay any child support and for any debts he incurs. he makes repeated comments about returning to mexico and if he got picked up he would just jump back across the border.
the only way he can legally do anything is if he marries an american, which he did and i would have to file paper with immigration. i have not filed any paperwork and don't intend to. question that exists is did he marry me for ins? i don't think so he never pushed me filing anything but i really don't know now. there have been things i have found out about him that can lead me down that path. i really don't know for sure, how could i know for sure.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
he is in a really bad predicament. he files for us income taxes but not legally allowed to work, so he is defrauding a governmental agency. the money he has received from those employers can have sanctions against them as well.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
there a some very serious legal issues that it's kind of like shame on me for having children with someone who has no legal status in the united states.
one of the things i don't fully yet, have to consult another attorney, is that if he legally can't work, how can he legally have visitation? it's kind of like populate the united states but you have no legal responsiblity to the children but here we will give you visitation? what if daughter and soon to be son are on visitation with him or his relatives and they get picked up. btw i live in phoenix, AZ, Sheriff Joe is all for deportation.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
there a some very serious legal issues that it's kind of like shame on me for having children with someone who has no legal status in the united states.
So I'm confused; how long have you been married? And he has not been able to gain citizenship in that time?
And it's more than that; given his shaky legal status and apparent willingness to leave the country with your (shared) kids, why are you considering staying with him at all? Why expose your kids to your MIL, who apparently doesn't give a damn about taking care of her grandkid?
I'm thinking your best bet is to (with appropriate counsel from an attourney, of course) take your lumps with INS and get him out of your life. It won't be pretty or fun, but I think it may be the best thing for your kids in the long run.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
List 3 things about your husband that you love, or miss, about him.
(The fact that he is the father if your children can't be one of them.)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
