I can see why you're upset and I'm sorry if I came down too hard on you - I was a bit frustrated from the vestiges of my own sitch. That said, I think the two of you REALLY need to see a counselor. There's nothing wrong with seeing someone who can help mediate the situation and make sure each of you is hearing and understanding the other.
You and your XW know each other well enough that you probably already have ingrained patterns of reacting. The fact that you divorced her after your child was born is a really big deal and she's always going to run back to that when she gets frustrated. And you probably aren't understanding how much that affected her and are frustrated that she can't give you more despite her fears. So it becomes a vicious circle. A counselor is the best chance you have of overcoming that and learning to communicate in more effective ways.
Do you get counseling as part of your health benefits at work? You should look into it. And if you go that route, be prepared to do some research. I went to 3 different counselors and they were all bad - price I payed for not asking around a bit.
I also REALLY recommend you ask DanceQueen to weigh in on your sitch. I think she'd have some really good insight that might help you get past this rough start. She's usually over on the Sex-starved marriage thread up towards the top of the forums list.
Remember, you aren't falling in love like it's the first time, you're trying to piece a marriage back together. It's an uphill fight and the dynamics will always be unique. But you did a great job of getting to this point, so have some patience and try to become a better communicator. Saying reactionary things that make her feel bad won't help. Instead, learn to voice what you need to feel part of a couple, state but don't try to defend how you feel, and strive to understand why you feel the way you do and why she feels the way she does. You need to be understanding of the damage that's been done, but don't just swallow everything - that's not healthy. Learning to be a good communicator means being open to what the other has to say but still maintaining your own beliefs and boundaries.
Go to a counselor. They'll help with the forward momentum and help show her she needs to accept the responsibility for her own actions, as you are accepting yours.
