H told me that the first thing that friends and family on his side of the fence ask is "why now? before the holidays?" Same question he had, since things "weren't so terrible" that I couldn't have waited. Well, I guess that's true- he wasn't beating me. I don't know what he's saying in response to that question. And it's not like I can give them part of the honest answer- I felt emotionally beat up. Only thing I can say is that we decided in our last conversation that things weren't working so I left- there never is a "good" time. And I guess his friends must not have been too surprised overall if their concern was the timing, not the fact that I actually left. I'll bet that they knew H wasn't happy, but not any of the background story- so I look like the irrational WAW.
H is still peeved that I talked to S19 about seeing the MC. He feels that was totally a major-league bone-head move on my part. I respectfully disagree, and I think we should have had discussion with D17 also. Whatever...
He also stands by his statements that I distorted reality at the MC sessions by presenting myself so well- according to H, that was not the person he lived with everyday. He does however regret lashing out as he did when he first told me about these feelings. Gee, thanks...
He's still being nice at the moment. He's offered to help set up a couple things around the townhouse. That's nice- but lets see how helpful he is when it's time to talk money in a couple weeks.
It's too quiet around here. D17 has yet to stay the night, but she has come over for dinner a couple times. She's still having a hard time with this. S19 is done with his college semester this week, and he plans to spend a lot of time at the townhouse over winter break. So he's the opposite- I need to remind him to spend time with his Dad.
It's way too quiet, and I'm really tired but I have a hard time making myself go to bed at night, and I haven't figured why yet. Maybe I'm just not feeling settled in yet. There's still daily contact with H for one thing or another, I need to get away from that. And it's not just me- he initiates just as much as I do. And I know I need GAL activities before I sink into a hole.
I'm rambling again. I'm tired, and I better turn the light out- good night all.
Bunny, you've been married for a long time, so it's not surprising that you feel out of sorts right now.
Give yourself a break and don't second guess your decision. You have made a series of very brave, very profound changes to improve the quality of your life.
I, and so many others here, are very proud of you for having the courage to actually do something about a horrendous situation. You have taken some giant steps to save yourself.
Enjoy the quiet, feel yourself becoming emotionally healthier and stronger.
And, yes, things will get very tense when you hash out the finances, but just let your atty do the heavy lifting then. Do not listen to, nor believe, that your h can leave you without a dime. That is B.S. and you know it. Get a hearing for spousal maintenance asap.
since things "weren't so terrible" that I couldn't have waited. Well, I guess that's true- he wasn't beating me.
Bunny, Again, this is subtle way of manipulation, and is akin to beating you emotionally.
Things weren't so terrible??!?!! I'm sorry, but they were, and I am disgusted by his actions and his manipulation like this. Anyone who tries to manipulate a partner into doing things physically they are uncomfortable with, is physical abuse, in my book. Of course he is portrayed to and by his family as 'thing's are not that bad' Do you think he goes into this level of detail with them?
The facts are, he WAS beating you, emotionally and to some extent physically by the lifestyle you were living that you expressed to him you did not want to live!
Now, I would agree, it's time for Bunny to work on GAL activities, so your not sitting around the house with all this whirling in your head. But, like KL says above, if you give yourself some time and take the pressure off yourself in those quiet times as well, that will help so you can focus on you.
As far as contact, you may want to dim yourself some on contact with him, if he initiates, don't reply, don't answer the phone or txt's right away, start working things to Bunny's tune and not his.
After being in this type of relationship for so long, it's going to be hard for you to take some control back of yourself for yourself, so keep that in mind, and don't beat yourself up for how you feel during this.
Hugs again...(((((((((Bunny))))))))))
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
((Bunny)) I've been thinking about this post for a while. When I moved out last year...got my own place...filed for my own D, got a restraining order...I bought a red couch from a friend who was moving. It's more like a 'fainting couch' from the movie, Titanic. I loved my little red couch. I sat on my red couch with a glass of wine. I chatted on the phone with my sister while relaxing on the red couch. I bought accessories for the room that complimented the red couch. It was my trophy. An icon for my independence, much like my SuperBoots. D13 hated the little red couch. Wouldn't sit on it. An icon for my indepenence - she wanted to 'go home' to take care of Dad. And she did. It nearly killed me. Eventually I gave up my quest for independence. S16 and I gave up the apt and moved back.
Do you have a little red couch in your apartment?
You are an inspiration, Bunny.
Last edited by goldeylox; 12/08/0902:23 PM. Reason: poor spelling
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
SB - I thought about this the other day. You said your H is an IT guy and setup your pc at home. I would make sure that he did not install any monitoring software on it that he could have sent to him. You have said how controlling he is in the past. I wouldnt put it past him.
On the other comment about his family and friends wondering "why now?" For one thing, none of their Fing business. You tell them better late then never. Remember they dont know what H3ll he has put you through. Also, if you look at a lot of stories on this site. I would say 80% or more of them happen around a big holiday because the thought of spending time w a person you arent happy with is hard and because of all the pressure the holidays put on a family to be together.
So the bottomline. Stop worrying about what others think and just know that they have no idea of what you have been dealing with.
Live your life for you now. Not the kids or H. YOU.
