h is in mlc, now threatening divorce...

[lost1234]

gnosis,

yes, i have been reading LL's thread, about 1/2 way through. been reading a novel at night b4 bed...only real break for me right now sorry!

in the last 4 days h has turned me upside down and inside out emotionally...some is my fault...however i can say i honestly wasnt expectant of anything. its the back and forth of what he says, to the extreme opposite that gets me.literally just rips me apart.

his family has been outspoken to him, the holidays are coming and EVERY day I face our 2 little girls, who want their dad,but are becoming more and more distant with him...breaks my heart.tears falling as i am typing. breaks my heart! how do i stop it??

im sorry if this sounds like a pity party, but this is what continually goes through my head...our children. in a way he is failing them by not being here anymore and then i feel as if im failing them because im only me

i am soo tired and soo worn out i have a hard time keeping up. ill admit it im only one person.

sorry just trying to get some of these thoughts out...they will continue to consume me if i dont...

example...h has told me he plans on staying here xmas eve. WHY??? for the kids? for yourself?? id love to ask him, but why create an argument?

i just dont know anymore...

[Gnosis]

Hey, if you've read LL's thread you'll know that you're allowed to vent. I know what you wrote above is not a pity party and you're releasing your frustration. Yeah, I can tell the difference.

I'm not here to judge you and am glad you're reading a novel and taking your mind off the sitch for a while. Yes, you do need a break. I'm wish I had the time to read through your entire thread and give you some pointers. I suppose the best advice I can give you right now is: Try to distance yourself from him and his behavior as best you can. Try not to take this personally. Sure you made some mistakes... we all have.

Keep strong and take some time out for yourself. You deserve it.

[lost1234]

ty!

I do have a hard time NOT listening and taking what he says and does to heart!

[lost1234]

gnosis,

Thank you! i will continue reading all of the threads you sent...if when you have a few please continue with me.

I needless to say didnt sleep well last night and id like to share what i have noticed and get some opinions if i could...observations of my h...i guess what im looking for is someone who is or has gone through this...

he is unhappy

he believes it is me and home life and our marriage

tries to keep up with responsibilites but has a difficult time

tries to be dad and h but simply cant

he leaves and seems a bit happier for a short while

4 months into him being gone he is now:

showing anger and resentment

seems to always be sick or not feeling good

doesnt want to go to work

never has any time...

will pick an argument to justify leaving the situation
turns light conversation into a mountain and twists everything i say to place blame

complains of his long drives(bcause of where his parents live)

always tired


i could continue on but im sure you guys can get the point...

to me he doesnt seem any happier away than he wad here...

i plan to continue to detach but also to listen and support if i am given the chance...

am i totally wrong to say that i hope he realizes it is himself he may be unhappy with?

thanks!

[lost1234]

Gnosis,

if you are able...

yesterday was awful... my emotions are all over the place and i feel i am backstepping and fast...

i got a phone call at work yesterday from my father. he had called 911, thought he mave have taken a stroke, woke on on the floor,bloody head...

i immediatly called my h...didnt even say hello simply stated that he needed to get to the house NOW please, ambulance was on its way and h is much closer to home when at work...

he did get there b4 me, was with my dad waiting...and making arrangements for the kids after school.

dad on his way...we go get 5 y/o, half day kindergarten...get he out to inlaws, now on our way to hospital...

he was himself, so grateful i am, and i did thank him...

today all i want is for my dad to make it through, and for h to come home.

i need to get off of this with h, i was doing GREAT with nc, and just being here to listen and support.

i feel so alone...any input?

[Gnosis]

(((lost)))

I'm glad he was there for you in your time of crisis. This says a lot about him.

I need to update my sitch first and get myself grounded once again.

Here's something for you to consider:
- There was an emergency
- Your H responded and came through for you
- After saving the day, "he was himself"

See the pattern here? ^ ^ ^ ^

Look at what you've written about him:
- tries to keep up with responsibilites but has a difficult time
- tries to be dad and h but simply cant

All of the below is only applicable if there is no OW:

He feels like he's a constant failure. Everything he does is wrong and can do no right.

I'm not sure how long you've been NC... if it's been too long, its time to change...

When he starts to feel useful and valued he will start withdrawing from his shell. Start him off with small and simple tasks to do. Praise him when he does them. Be understanding when he fails and "make up the excuse" for him. Give him something to live up to and increase the tasks.

Unfortunately, right now his self-esteem is at an all time low and he doesn't know how to or cannot do anything to get himself out of the hole. You have to do give him a hand in doing it.

Please take the above advice with a bit of common sense because I cannot recall your entire story. If it does not gel with you, trust your gut. I'm shooting from the hip here.

[lost1234]

gnosis,

the above is EXACTLY how he feels...he has said so himself.

i have only been nc for 2 weeks...and ONLY because he continually blames me for everything. no matter what i say or do i am wrong...

i literally force myself not to call and pester because he seems he never wants to talk to me about anything. always cuts me short...

all i keep hearing are his 2 reasons he has given me about wanting to file for d...he is suffocated and trapped...thats it. i know these are big issues but are they because of me and our marriage or are they because of what he is feeling and what he is going through?

i am at a COMPLETE AND UTTER LOSS as what to do...or not do

if he wont be around me it seems impossible to show him any type of support or understanding...

all i hear is divorce and it scares me to a point of shock because i dont believe that is what he truly wants or needs. he has and will not get any help

[Gnosis]

1. Keep up the NC
2. Examine yourself and identify EVERYTHING you do that makes him feel that way. (incl. body language, pouting, rolling eyes etc.)
3. Work on yourself at removing these triggers. Play scenes in your head and "readjust" your behavior.
4. Don't listen to the D talk. If there is no OW this is his self-defense mechanism firing off.

NC is difficult for you because of the kids. This is also your advantage. Give him small tasks to do that he can accomplish.

e.g. 1. I'm running a bit late can you give S/D a ride to XXXX?
When he does, thank him for being there for you.
2. The fawcett is leaking... can you have a look at it?
When he fixes it. "Thanks, I knew I could rely on you and not have to run around looking for a plumber.."

Get the picture? Make him FEEL useful. Make him feel like a man. Don't patronize him when giving honest and sincere appreciation. He needs to feel respected and capable.

[lost1234]

Thank you SOOOOOOOO much Gnosis! for helping to put that in perspective!I need the help very badly right now...

i will do all you say, whole heartedly as best i can. i know this is the beginning of a long process! thank you!

will let you know how it is going...i really need to go slowly with it all...babysteps

[Gnosis]

You're welcome lost.