Can I save my marriage?

[Ready2Change]

I felt it was sad because he wants us to be a family. And right now we're not.

OK, I can see why you would feel sad about that.

After he drew it he says look mommy and daddy! Our happy family!

THIS IS WHAT S3 WANTS. It is his way of expressing what he feels is important. He wants a HAPPY FAMILY.

That may have been the ticket to my sadness.

YUP. That is the hardest part of D. Soooooooo Who's happiness can YOU CONTROL? Who can you be a role model for?

Ever ride in an airplane? They tell you to put YOUR oxygen mask on, then help others. Do that through this process.

Find happiness WITHOUT H. Be a role model for both S3 and H.

Of course it makes me happy as well

Mixed emotions are OK.

but I don't want S3 to get the wrong perception of what is going on here

You are in control of YOUR R with S3. H is responsible for his R with S3.

I don't know how to handle him at all actually, and I don't know what I want him to think or believe.

Let me suggest that you let him think and believe what he wants. Let me also suggest that it the parents RESPONSIBILITY to protect their children from physical and emotional harm. Right now, reassuring him that everything will be OK no matter what. Reinforce your relationship with him. Empathise with him. Validate his feelings.

"You look (sad,happy,scared,etc) How do you feel?"
"It is ok to be sad. I am sad to."

I've never been in this situation before, not many of us have.

So many people have been in similar situations. My advise comes from all the reading and reflections I have done.

How do you learn how to parent the correct way through this?

I read books. I tried things. When I failed, I changed what I was doing and tried something else.

Here are some rules of thumb that work for me:

1) Always do my best.
2) personal growth - commit so that my best will continue to be better.
3) What is best for my kids is best for me.
4) 50% RESPONSIBLE for parenting. It is important for my kids to spend frequent and equal time with BOTH parents. I accept that my parenting style is different than spouses. As long as spouse is not physically or emotionally hurting my child, I allow them to parent the way the see best (I might feel it is wrong, but RESPECT her role as parent). Setting bondaries on damaging behavior.

K, I'll stick with the plan. See where it gets me. Take it from there. I don't want to ruin my work so far. I have worked really really hard to get this far.

I know this is hard. I understand how frustrating and confusing it is. Have faith in the process. You are doing great. We are here for YOU! We want what is best for you, S3 and H. HUGS