Can I save my marriage?

[Ready2Change]

Well I guess its speech practicing time.

Examine the structure of what we wrote. IT IS A BOUNDARY. There is no blame. It says how you feel. It gives HIM a choice. One is what you would prefer him to choose. The other has consequences TO HIM. (ya they affect you and the family and he may choose this, but that is not the type of man you want to be with anyways). He may have to go through some PAIN to LEARN and decide to CHASE YOU and show ACTION by picking the other option.

I had full intensions of it until I heard the news.

ALL OF THAT IS IN THE PAST. THIS IS NOW.

Let me suggest that you make your decisions based on what YOU want and not let anything from the past or the fear of anything in the future control YOU.

Im just really bothered by it and dont know how to find out the truth

I am sorry that it bothers you. Let me also suggest that you be PATIENT and let the TRUTH come when it is time.

S3 drew a picture of our family last night and showed H. I commented that it was sad.

Why did you feel it was sad?

H looked at me and said why? Its cute and it makes me happy.

His opinion. We are all allowed our opinions. Does not mean they are right or wrong, just different.

[Lll54]

I felt it was sad because he wants us to be a family. And right now we're not. After he drew it he says look mommy and daddy! Our happy family! That may have been the ticket to my sadness. Of course it makes me happy as well, but I don't want S3 to get the wrong perception of what is going on here. I don't know how to handle him at all actually, and I don't know what I want him to think or believe. I've never been in this situation before, not many of us have. How do you learn how to parent the correct way through this?

K, I'll stick with the plan. See where it gets me. Take it from there. I don't want to ruin my work so far. I have worked really really hard to get this far.

[Ready2Change]

I felt it was sad because he wants us to be a family. And right now we're not.

OK, I can see why you would feel sad about that.

After he drew it he says look mommy and daddy! Our happy family!

THIS IS WHAT S3 WANTS. It is his way of expressing what he feels is important. He wants a HAPPY FAMILY.

That may have been the ticket to my sadness.

YUP. That is the hardest part of D. Soooooooo Who's happiness can YOU CONTROL? Who can you be a role model for?

Ever ride in an airplane? They tell you to put YOUR oxygen mask on, then help others. Do that through this process.

Find happiness WITHOUT H. Be a role model for both S3 and H.

Of course it makes me happy as well

Mixed emotions are OK.

but I don't want S3 to get the wrong perception of what is going on here

You are in control of YOUR R with S3. H is responsible for his R with S3.

I don't know how to handle him at all actually, and I don't know what I want him to think or believe.

Let me suggest that you let him think and believe what he wants. Let me also suggest that it the parents RESPONSIBILITY to protect their children from physical and emotional harm. Right now, reassuring him that everything will be OK no matter what. Reinforce your relationship with him. Empathise with him. Validate his feelings.

"You look (sad,happy,scared,etc) How do you feel?"
"It is ok to be sad. I am sad to."

I've never been in this situation before, not many of us have.

So many people have been in similar situations. My advise comes from all the reading and reflections I have done.

How do you learn how to parent the correct way through this?

I read books. I tried things. When I failed, I changed what I was doing and tried something else.

Here are some rules of thumb that work for me:

1) Always do my best.
2) personal growth - commit so that my best will continue to be better.
3) What is best for my kids is best for me.
4) 50% RESPONSIBLE for parenting. It is important for my kids to spend frequent and equal time with BOTH parents. I accept that my parenting style is different than spouses. As long as spouse is not physically or emotionally hurting my child, I allow them to parent the way the see best (I might feel it is wrong, but RESPECT her role as parent). Setting bondaries on damaging behavior.

K, I'll stick with the plan. See where it gets me. Take it from there. I don't want to ruin my work so far. I have worked really really hard to get this far.

I know this is hard. I understand how frustrating and confusing it is. Have faith in the process. You are doing great. We are here for YOU! We want what is best for you, S3 and H. HUGS

[courts0818]

Britt,
I'm a big advocate of reading parenting books and there are great ones that deal with separation, co-parenting and D. There are actually excellent books out there for kids too - books that talk about feelings and emotions and books about hard times in families. Even though they cover difficult subjects, they really give a comforting, upbeat message about love. Maybe you could check some out.

[maple]

Britt, just finished reading the latest in your sitch - I have been following off and on but never commented. Gnosis pointed me this way today as my sitch is similar. I have just confirmed OW and now need to set up some boundaries too. I have 2 young DDs and have the same concerns as you regarding their perceptions and how to respond to them. It sounds like you are getting great advice.

[4luv]

hey britt,

just checking on your stitch. i've been following the advice you've been given especially from gnoisis with the going dark ro a week or two and then having the big talk after that in order to establish boundaries and to set the consequence (i.e find someplace else to stay). i am on day two and it is hard especially with hubby being here. i know that we both put our stories on this board around the same time so just wanted to check on your progress as well. keep up the good work that you accomplished.

[TrentC]

Hello britt,

It's been a couple of days. Here's hoping your week has been productive so far.

[Lll54]

Well. Its wierd. Simple as that. It is so hard to be dark in my own house with my H. It isn't that big ya know...

SIL called this afternoon asking us to go for supper and swimming. As people on the outside obviously think we are back together and happy and fine and dandy. Little do they know...

SIL wants everything back to normal, I can tell, she keeps putting us in awkward situations as to see how we react or I guess how H reacts. Tonight she asked what our Christmas plans are so we can pick a day at Christmas to do that side of the family supper. So H and I look at each other like...ummm. are we a family? I am thinking...hmmm...am I invited to his families for supper? Is that normal? It should be normal as H is home again, but since we haven't discussed our sitch, I don't know! And poor SIL has no idea and asks thinking everything is peachy keen. I dunno. Tough sitch.

I went for supper and swimming as I love swimming with the boys. H is really nice to me, flirting and stuff. We were having a fun argument today, just joking around and he mentions how I could have "had" him this morning. (I went into the spare room to wake him, he asked for a cuddle and "enjoyed" it, so I bolted as it was awkward and I am not giving him anything until he talks to me about R) anyways, i joke back saying ya well it will be the other way around when he sees the new lingerie I bought. He gets soooo paranoid. "What?" "Why did you buy lingerie?" I didn't really answer.

I just wish the man would "man up". I know you're here to stay, as he talks about the future constantly. So talk to me about it, tell me what's going on. So frustrating. I left the house today for a few hours, trying to get out and not be around him constantly and be as dark and carefree and act "as if" as much as possible. Just hard with him in the house and wanting to do "family" stuff together.

H also told me last night that he has my Christmas gift picked out and he said its the best gift he has ever given me. So since when were we buying each other gifts? Since you moved in? Ugh so confusing!!!!

The children are hard to handle sometimes, I think i'm going to go this weekend and buy some good books on parenting through separation. But now H is home so I don't know if its worth it? I dunno....my mind is going to explode!

[gucci loafer]

I left the house today for a few hours, trying to get out and not be around him constantly and be as dark and carefree and act "as if" as much as possible. Just hard with him in the house and wanting to do "family" stuff together.

H also told me last night that he has my Christmas gift picked out and he said its the best gift he has ever given me. So since when were we buying each other gifts? Since you moved in? Ugh so confusing!!!!

Very good job Britt. Very good. It is working. Notice that he is starting to reach out and test where your mind is. Don't reveal what you are thinking. Keep staying somewhat distant and carefree. Do not act angry or mean. Just distant and in your own thoughts and world. You need to get him to the state that he is curious to what is going on in your mind. You don't get him there by being open, but by being distant and quiet.

BE PREPARED with your speech when he asks you what is up with you lately. It is important that you say things in the correct way... "I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided"..... Strong, in control, matter of fact and firm.
This isn't for the weak. IF he loves you then this should wake him up if you hold your line.

[Steve McQueen]

How is your 'research' into uncovering 'the truth' going?