So you thought that was too harsh? I was only trying to clarify that in our communication, I may have got the wrong idea but at the same time disappointed that he would not consider my daugther who was so much a part of his life for so long. And then I sympathized with his back pain and even offered to help him? How do you think I should have reacted? Not said anything at all? or how I should rephrase things?
How do you think I should have reacted? Not said anything at all? or how I should rephrase things?
You should have reacted as a LBS. No accusations! If you need to get something across to him, you need to follow the book and change up certain wordings as it makes A WORLD of difference to the message.
Instead of: "I really hate it when you aren't showing any interest towards my (our) daughter"
Try: "It would be very nice of you and appreciated if you could show more interest in my (our) daughter"
Also, removal of certain key derrogatvie words: "never" and "always". This is all in the book and I really think you need to brush up on how to speak to your XH, and quickly! You are now pushing him away. He is uncertain of his interest in you as it is!
Now, some have suggested in my thread that I have turned a blind eye to my XW's WAS tactics. I have questioned time and time again why certain things to how my XW acts and carries on is not a-typical WAW, and never got answers. Thus, what is happening now, I believe is the real deal. Xw's tone has competely changed. And through that tone, she is doing EXACTLY as I describe to you above. Hell, it's almost like she is DB'ing me now. And to the extent, that is true. I don't have chose her, I don't have to take her back. And she is doing a VERY GOOD job right now not to say certain key words, or do more than brush certain key subjects that will do nothing more than make me question why I'd want to even concider wanting to be with a person who did soooo much damage to me.
Tread carefuly grasshopper. Get the book out and read how to communicate!!!!
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Hey Dday!! I am so happy for you! : ) That turned around fast? What happened to the OM, is he finally gone? Yay!!
I looked back at my original post about the use of "always' and "never" but I didn't see them used, so I hope I'm not overlooking something I'm not even noticing... I do like the wording of "showing more interest in my daughter"..so I will totally keep that in mind.
Things right now are kind of slow, we haven't talked much. He never responded to my email. He did ask about my daughter yesterday through texting, but that was it. he will be moving this weekend, and he attended his work Xmas party tonight (the one I was not invited to) and I took our s to a chirstmas tree lighting with friends. It was very nice. I asked my ex to watch our s next friday. I don't know what I'm doing yet, but I'm sure I can find friends. I don't suppose I should sit home, I guess I should show him I have a life too?
My Ex came to pick up our s yesterday, and he kind of hung around for a while, was friendly, and helpful. Asked about my daughter...I think it was good.. : )
WOW I was reading through this post and I have to say there are def. both sides here... I cant say I would take W back ever.. at first I wanted to so very much and she knew it. but to tell you the truth I would rather not see her or even hear from her again! yes as you see there is A LOT of hurt still (and i will admit I love her as much as I hate the thought of her) and the kids are so crushed! they just want mom back home. And I know she was not in her right mind but she still is not, she still lies and lies and I dont see her ever becoming a mom again much less a W for any man. even if she was the same person I first married I just cant see letting her back any more than living in the same zip code and co-parenting. I would rather just find a woman who well is a woman and not a trashy back stabbing ......... I would NEVER trust her again
I guess this sounds more like a rant then a good point of view but I have to say had she just had an affair and we worked it out then in all honesty yeah reluctantly I would have taken her back.. a bit distrusting but I would have worked with it until we had a trust true love again.
some times they just kill any chance
I do have to say IMOP most people dont like change and guys are def. no exception! and familarity is what we want so.....
Well, wifeleft2009, the truth of the matter at hand here, is if I remember right, you're right in the timeline of situation of feeling nothing bu resentment towards your W. Your post is laden with anger and hurt, and that is normal. I hope you can find peace for yourself and your children's sake soon.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Yes, things are going very well. I'm very happy, and very cautious at the same time, but overall, things look very positive. So, seeing how ugly things got between my XW and I, ANYBODY here has a second chance.
Anyway, when I say the use of "always" and "never", I didn't mean in your posts, I meant when talking to your XH. This is all straight out the book (of which I'll be re-reading here very soon to refresh myself of certain things). But, if you think about it, when things were 'headed south' for your sitch, which sounded better, or would sound better from your XH?:
"You always only think about yourself and never how I feel"
or
"I'm hurt and wish you could be more condierate of my feelings"
See what I'm saying here? And, I know there is almost what 2 pages regarding how to use the word, YOU. Sometime just the tone of how 'you' is said can be emotionally charged and backfire when you're trying to make a statement.
Seriously, I think this where you need the most work right now. Much the same as with my XW, our ability to communicate effectively deteriorated so baldy heading towards the end of the MR. Now, with a 'fresh start', we're back to finishing each other's sentences.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Mar, dday is giving you some excellent advice here. What you say and how you say it is SO important! Remember, your goals is NOT to push him further away. You're going to go through a lot of hurt and uncertainty; don't let him see that. Stay confident and upbeat with him, no matter how you feel inside. I have a lot of hope for you, just stick with it!
Dday, that's great to hear about your sitch. Isn't it cool to have an opportunity to build a stronger relationship?
My XW was showing me some wedding rings she likes....
How does a guy know when the time is right to propose to his XW?
Ron
M: 47 W: 50 D: 19 S: 16 Grandson: 21 months (now officially our son) Married: 10/2/89 Divorced: 7/31/09 XW moved back home 11/12 Re-married 5/25/10
And I know she was not in her right mind but she still is not, she still lies and lies and I dont see her ever becoming a mom again much less a W for any man.