First time poster feeling a bit lost

[MT21]

A WAW does so much damage to a LBH's self-esteem and I'm sure that is one reason you felt inferior, but don't you think she dressed that way for "you"?

I am not sure I understand here?

Do you mean
1. She dressed that way to rub my nose in it one more time before she walks?
2. She still has some feelings and she wants me to fight?

Thats confusing, right now I just see a walking away girl...I am just kinda expecting something else devastating right now.

You see, to a WAW everything is about "her" and she thought you would be too depressed at her leaving and she never dreamed that you might actually think about GAL like that!

Everything is about her..her space..her looks..her career..

She told me that she has to get the next promotion for the sake of kids, their future and hers... Its like nothing else matters... Stupid *@#!

If only you would not have "followed up" with an answer at all and just let her wonder. You see, she needs to get her attention off of herself long enough to realize that you really are the prize that she wants and doesn't want to throw you out there for some other lucky woman to have.

I also wished I hadnt followed up, I let her off the hook again! But I am not so sure about this one, I understand the logic but she is really really determined!

I'll paint the picture..A fews ago when she was stay at home mum, happy in the house, and content she started to eat... She got real big, I loved her regardless it did not interfere with any part of lives as couple.

But then after seeing the doctor she made the decision to change..She exercised changed the diet, and lost 65LB in around 6mnths...people did not even recognize in the street. I remember going to a reunion, people thought I had remarried.

Well that same frame of mind is back, its like shes losing excess baggage again. and I'm it. (unfortunately I had the lack of respect to mention this to her..eek)

I know that most people think of dating as the same thing as having sex.....but I don't. I think you could go to dinner or a show or something casual. Do you have a female friend who is single and would know that it was a "friends only" type of evening?

Not really, but I wouldnt know how to tell her anyway with out her thinking it was sexual, she already thinks I have a high sex drive and its all I think about...strangely I havent thought about it all since the bomb.

She really needs to know that you are out there enjoying yourself. You won't have to explain that to her b/c somebody will be telling her that they saw you and how great you seem to be. Now, the first thing most LBH's think is that their WAW will think that the H doesn't want to work on the M and that it will push her away more. But it works the opposite way......unless she truly has absolutely no feelings left for you....and if that was the case, then nothing would help or hurt any more

This is going to take me time..not to go but to really start enjoying myself to the point that she notices my attitude has really changed. But I will start this process.

In fact yesterday, early evening I had some fun.

I packed my bag for the gym and was getting ready to leave..wearing normal clothing. I then texted (sms) myself so she could hear..I then texted again so it looked like a reply..I then changed into brand new clothes...fitted shirt..nice aftershave etc... left my gym bag and went out(No explanations). She asked what time I would be bcak b/c she was making dinner for 7:30, I said I would try to be back. (Of course I made it, didnt want her dinner to waste or make her mad)(all my shirts were ironed for the period she is away this week...why is she still ironing my shirts??? I do them normally!)

On my return a few hours later...she said "didn't go to the gym then" No I replied "changed my mind" and then carried on in the friendliest manner I could.. She asked no more questions.. (I just went for a really long drive to clear my head)

Even more reason that you must not behave like her brother. She needs to be sexually attracted to you. I learned early in my teen years that the worst thing a man wants to hear a woman say is that she thinks of him like a brother. That means she has no sexual attraction at all toward him. So.....you need to light her fire. However, with a WAW you cannot do it the same way you would if you were still together and just need to give the M some sizzle. She first needs to realize that she does indeed still desire you. But, if you stay at home and play the faithful, dutiful, pitiful, left behind H......do you think she is going to be attracted to that? As a former almost WAW who said the same thing about my H, I can tell you that she will not find that threatening one bit. By threatening, I mean that she needs to feel "threatened" of losing YOU!!

This is a v.interesting point... I have a concern.

If I suddenly start going out more..what stops her doing the same..please bear in mind we live in the same house and someone must take care of the children.. She will expect me to ask or at least inform her.

I dont want this to be another area of conflict..time away from the kids..money etc...

What would you suggest?

Maybe none of this makes sense to you....but it doesn't have to make sense, you just need to trust that it works and do it. Look at my signature line.

I will, as difficult as it is.

I so badly want to detach but dont know how?

Detaching first comes by physically detaching from her and stop any contact. If she contacts you, then you are polite and talk to her as if she is your cousin. That keeps you from showing your emotions. Hopefully if will keep you from getting into a R talk.

Staying busy and planing ahead will help you detach. GAL does wonders for detaching. But mostly, detaching is about "attitude", and when you truly detach, she'll know it....we will know it....and you will know it.

But we live in the same house, she wont move and neither will I...how to avoid one another is a mystery to me..But I will try to stay out of her way.

I want her to see me moving on with my life, but dont know how to do it right now without being a little grumpy and angry around her.

I don't know if I am understand what you mean here, but I'll take a stab at it. Are you saying that you think she needs to see you being grumpy at her for what she's done......or are you saying that you can't move on without feeling angry?

Not really let me rephrase...I mean.. "right thats it!" I am moving on...then I just cant seem to help myself being quite grumpy around her and firing ultimatums at her.. I even offered to call the solicitor for her the other day...she ignored me but how crazy is that?

She may even do it herself this week. Its almost like I cant behave or control my emotions around her.. Its not healthy.

And your right if i dont get it under control she will walk.

but I feel like a wounded puppy dog, I can brave face for a day.. a few hours but then Bam! back to square one. Yesterday I felt as bad if not worse than the day she dropped the bomb.

Okay, but now you have to make new friends. No excuses. People can't go through life with nobody but their spouse & kids. Surely you remember how to meet people and try to strike up a new friendship. Go to places where you will meet people. Get involved in some organization where you'll be with others. You can think of something.

I have something it meets every Tuesday..she is back at 9pm tomorrow...should I walk out as she comes in or do you think it's too hostile? after all I don't want to pour water on her.

She read "the walk, (WAW)" last night

Are you talking about the article that Michele wrote here on the DB home page? She doesn't need to know about this board. She doesn't need to know that you are getting your tools for DB. DB is your game plan and if she knows what that is, don't you think it would be a bit defeating?

Yes I agree she cannot see this board...but I just thought it would give another perspective?

Sandii, thank you so much for your perspective it has really helped me this evening..I felt awful at times today but this will help me to focus..


MT