Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[mulesqb]

Hey SD, Coach asked me to drop in. Forgive me as I haven't had a chance to read the full thread but I think I have the gist. First thing I want to say is that this brings back many, many memories. When I read your writing I see a lot of myself in your demeanor. I remember being completely blindsided by XW's behavior, attitude, lies, etc.. It took me a while to get over that and focus on what's important...the KIDS..I know you are caught up head first in what she is doing and must be very difficult for you being away while all this is going on. I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you.

But right now your W is not the person you married, but your kids are the kids you had with her and they need your guidance. They are living in a lawless home right now with someone who is demonstrating the maturity of one of their peers. So please do me a favor and concentrate on those kids. Your posts seem very chaotic and hysterical at times. Please drop that. I can guarantee you that your boys look up to you and right now they need that desperately from a parent, and I promise you that if you handle it correctly they will form a bond with you that will last forever. At their ages, they see and hear a lot more than they should, and also understand it. Scary stuff for them to be exposed to. That's why you need to step up and be the leader of that family. When I came to that realization my attitude was that I was going to lead the boys down the right path and XW can either jump on board or continue on her path to self destruction. You must realize that is her choice. You can't change her mind, you can't talk her into it, it is something she must figure out. Unfortunately, mine did not. If you had a few hours to read I would go into how well that worked out for her. But that's for another day. For now, please get a hold of yourself. Strategize on the best way to lead your boys down the right path. The best way I know is to lead by example. You can't get your W out of this but you can protect your boys. Please focus on that. It will also help you immensely.

I still think everyone needs their own personal theme to grab onto. Because this is the hardest thing you will ever do. Coach leaned on the Stockdale Paradox. That worked for him. For me, it was Strength and Honor and my 3 boys. No matter how hard things got (and believe me, some of it is truly unbelievable) I always told myself Strength and Honor, especially when I felt myself about to act of character. My 3 boys needed me to do that, just as your two need you. My youngest son once heard me say it to myself out loud and the 3 of them started using it themselves.

I think you have to get out of your DBing mindset right now. When the kids are being affected DBing becomes secondary. Being their Dad and not her DBing Husband is the most important thing you can do for your family right now. It's a huge responsibilty, but you can handle it.

The toughest part for me was detaching. It feels unnatural because this is the woman you love and you want to be there to help her. But trust me, if there was one thing I could go back and do over, it would be to detach earlier. Setting boundaries and taking care of the boys and yourself is your mission now. Don't leave that house, whatever you do. If you want any type of residential custody, do not leave. And if you W tries to bait you into doing something so she can call the cops, whisper Strength and Honor to yourself and walkaway. Don't give her the opportunity. Be above her and her behavior. I will definitely try to check back in. I have to go pick my oldest son up from school right now.

So hang in there, refocus your energy and be that strong leader your boys need. You can handle it.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Puppy - LOL! you don't look a day over 45. Now Coach on the other hand, that's a different story!