I can tell you that, as a woman who'd been abused as a child, I didn't have an orgasm during vaginal intercourse until I forgave my abuser--after that suddenly I seemed to "own" my body, and it became possible. (And we're talking post childbirth as well.) However, as you rightly say, you can't change your W. So is there any point in worrying about statistics and probabilities when she might never decide to move out of gridlock?
What moved me from that position? My H, during the course of a MLC depression, finally moved on to an emotional affair with a co-worker, which made him question whether he should leave the marriage. THAT betrayal forced me to examine whether I was happy with the marriage I had, my sex life, with letting my abuser change my view of myself--as in, I had to take responsibility for turning myself into a victim.
After my H confessed his EA I spent a day in bed crying, reflecting on how dissatisfied I was with the person I'd become. The next day I got up determined to become the woman I wanted to be, whether or not our marriage survived. It was the hardest and most agonizingly painful time in my life, yet I'm grateful that I was given a chance to turn my life (and our M) around.
