Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

I see what you two are saying. If I have gotten one thing out of this it has been strength. If it comes down to hanging out then I can forgive, as for any intimacy I dont think I can. I need to talk to him about his reason for being there before I bring up OW. I heard the news and believed it about 60% them after talking to a few friends that may know telling me no, I am at about 40% now. I dont know how else to find out for sure without asking him?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I dont know how else to find out for sure without asking him?

That's the absolute WORST way to find out.

If you want to find out if the fox has been stealing hens from the henhouse, you don't ask the fox.

If it truly is a dealbreaker for you, then you need INDEPENDENT verification, Britt.

Puppy

[TrentC]

I see what you two are saying. If I have gotten one thing out of this it has been strength. If it comes down to hanging out then I can forgive, as for any intimacy I dont think I can.

Then you need to work on your exit speech.

I need to talk to him about his reason for being there before I bring up OW.

Um... why, exactly? If he's not there to work on the R, he's not likely to be honest about his motivation; he needs to keep you wriggling on the hook, after all.

I heard the news and believed it about 60% them after talking to a few friends that may know telling me no, I am at about 40% now.

I'm not sure what you mean by "believing it 60%" or "believing it 40%". You either believe he has had/is having an affair, or you don't.

I dont know how else to find out for sure without asking him?

Well, you can't do that; he'll deny it, and if the affair is ongoing he'll just be sneakier about it.

As PDT said, if this is a dealbreaker then you have to have independent verification and evidence (or be willing to throw away whatever progress you have made on your R by going on a hunch).

[motherof3]

I dont know how else to find out for sure without asking him?

Brit, you may never end up knowing for sure. If you ask him about it he is gong to deny it.

Please, please, please listen to Trent and PDT. Have you ever known them to hand out incorrect advice?

[TrentC]

I dont know how else to find out for sure without asking him?

Brit, you may never end up knowing for sure. If you ask him about it he is gong to deny it.

Please, please, please listen to Trent and PDT. Have you ever known them to hand out incorrect advice?

Wow, no pressure there. I think I'm going to punt this one over to our esteemed hostess:

Coping With Infidelity with Michele Weiner-Davis

[gucci loafer]

DO NOT BRING THIS UP TO HIM UNITL YOU HAVE THE AFFAIR CONFIRMED.

THEN.. and only then do you approach him.

You don't approach him by asking. You approach him by TELLING him you KNOW. It isn't up for negotiation or his side of the story.

When you have it confirmed it, it makes your approaching him have validity and gives you more strength than if you just go ask him.

You never go in asking. You are only opening yourself up to be lied to. I, for one already know he is having one or just ended one. Of course I am not the one that needs to be convincedd of it. YOU ARE.


So far you have been doing some minor investigation. This was good. Now you need to keep on the trail and find out who it was really with etc. etc... You need more evidence.


Your husband is a cop. Do you think that when he has evidence against a suspect that he stop investigating if the suspect denies that he is guilty? Of course not.



Put your effor into finding out the facts here. You are trying to go in and get the truth from the suspect. Just because a suspect denies involvement in a case doesn't prevent the cops from pursuing more evidence by other means. They don't just say, "ok, said suspect says the are innocent, so the case is solved"...



Channel your energy into finding out more. You can confront AFTER you have your ducks in a row. If you don't then you are letting the suspect run your case for you. Not good. There is plenty of evidence that he has been up to something. Men just don't up and move into their sister's house, and then come back home. That in itself is suspect.

BE WISE. BE SMART.

[motherof3]

Wow, no pressure there. I think I'm going to punt this one over to our esteemed hostess:

Pressure? What pressure?

I guess my standards for you are pretty high. But there is a reason for that. In all the sitches where you have posted, I do not recall ever questioning your or PDT's advice.

Please remind me of this if my sitch starts going somewhere and I don't like what you have to say.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

We will.

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

Hi sweetie, HUGS HUGS HUGS. I am sorry about all that is going on in your life right now.


I believe this is the best advise I have read:

give him this type of prepared speech...


"Well, I have been doing some thinking. Here is what I have decided. I have seen you move out and then move back in. Not a word from you about what is going on with us and your certainly don't make much of an effort to make this marriage better. Your kids are scared you are going to leave again, you don't tell them when you are going or when you will be home and you don't give me the sense that you really want to be here with me."


(NOW for the important part of the speech)....."I have decided (and say it exactly with those words of "I HAVE DECIDED) that isn't what I WANT. I don't want a man that can't or won't be a partner and I most certainly don't want a man that just up and leaves and comes and goes as he pleases.

So, I have decided that I think it would be best if you found another place. The sooner the better. I won't live like this anymore.
Maybe go back to your sisters or whatever. I would like you to be out within two weeks."


And then tell him that is all you have to say and walk away. There is nothing more to talk about. He may call you and think you are bluffing. It is my firm belief that you MUST follow through on what you told him. You need to put him through a crisis of major proportions. He either steps up to the plate or you are moving on down the road....


Remember, I told you that your fear could paralyze you. You can not let this man keep intimidating you. You have to take charge and be strong. The whole relationship can be turned around with a tough stance here. Being a weak doormat isn't working. He will just keep coming and going as he pleases UNTIL YOU make a stand. You can't force him to be what you want him to be. However by letting him believe you are letting him go and maybe even wanting him to go, you will have a chance to put him through his much needed crisis about what is really important to him.

Be strong. If he says he will leave after your speech, then LET HIM. Call his bluff. Do not live this way. Better to know now.

Here is my spin on it:

I have seen you move out and then back into this house and not one word from you about what is going on with us. I feel you are not putting effort into this marriage. You give me the sense that you really don't want to be here with me.

(NOW for the important part of the speech)....."I have decided (and say it exactly with those words of "I HAVE DECIDED) that isn't what I WANT. I don't want a man that can't or won't be a partner and I most certainly don't want a man that just up and leaves his family as he pleases.

(AND THE SECOND IMPORTANT PART : TWO options : Work on the marriage or get the F out)

If you want to be married to me, I want:

1) Consoling
2) Complete transparency
3) .....(You and others can fill this in)

Otherwise I will file for D and I would like you completely moved out by the end of this weekend.

Put the burden of choice ON HIM.

I understand he is a police officer with a potential of being mean. Doing this at a public place is a good option.

[Lll54]

Well I guess its speech practising time. I agree R2C, it is a good way to GO about it. It is me. I feel comfortable doing it this way. I had full intensions of it until I heard the news. Im just really bothered by it and dont know how to find out the truth. S3 drew a picture of our family last night and showed H. I commented that it was sad. H looked at me and said why? Its cute and it makes me happy. Ugh.