Treese, You are not alone, there are many in the same situation who are struggling this time of year especially. Here is a suggestion for your son if he wants to give gifts. Tell him that the giving of himself is enough. If he really wants to give something, maybe do a little card with chores that he will volunteer to do throughout the year for you and the family. It's a gift from the heart. It's the "old" fashion Christmas type of things and not gifts that have monetary value placed upon them.
The Christmas in the Courtyard sounds very nice and I'm sure the children will enjoy it. There are so many children out in the world that do not have the privilege of receiving gifts on Christmas. This is truly giving from the heart and I do hope it is a success!
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Saw H yesterday at son's bball game for the the first time in 5 months...yes I was nervous but he came in and sat right next to me...well, you could have put a person between us but it was close enough...he didn't look at me much but when he did I noticed he looked really tired...his eyes were sad...at least to me..I was upbeat, even chuckled a few times and smiled alot...we did talk about son as he was playing...
When we left, H walked out with us and said a few things to son as we were getting in the car...I just go in and started the car...
I went to Bingo with my mom last night, she's been bugging me to go....while there this is what happened.. I went to get food, and saw a girl I went to school with, she was working, I hugged her and she said, "I saw your husband not too long ago".. " I said, X....she said, "yeah he told me"...he's with the girl who is my neighbor...my heart dropped....i was at a loss for words...all I could come up with at the time was, "well, next time you see her, trip her for me..." she laughed....sry....
So, my H is out telling everyone we are not together and showing off his OW...all I can do at this point is give him what he wants....the divorce...I'm sure he didn't tell her the ENTIRE story....he probably skipped over a few things.
I thought I handled myself well at the game..then geezzzz somehow he always steps in to ruin the day....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
As for your h going around town telling people that you are "not an item any longer". I suspect he only pipes up and tells someone if they should ask. Your h has been gone long enough not to be out there shouting it from the roof tops.
As for him ruining the day.....no.....you allowed the gossip to do this for you. You've got to learn to listen with one ear and allow that crap to go out the other. It's a small town and you are going to have to toughen up because you are going to hear more and more of this after you are divorced. You cannot allow this type of stuff to ruin your day or the holidays. You are the one that is blessed, i.e., you have your family, friends and co-workers that are there for you. You are still living in your home and your health is okay.
Your h, on the other hand, has absolutely nothing in the way of friends, etc. His health most likely isn't the best right now, but that's his fault, not yours. His life is/has gone done the toilet in so many ways that it's not even funny. He's the hamster on the wheel that is constantly spinning.
Let him go. Don't get sucked into the drama and above all else...gossip is gossip and you have to let that roll off your back. Keep the focus on you, your family and the holidays. Try to stay positive.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I saw H on Saturday and Sunday at S12's basketball games....I was smiley and upbeat...only talked about son and basketball....when it was over I just said, "bye" and off I went...
H still hasnt said anything about Christmas...I'm guessing he has other plans...he still looks tired to me but I looked tired too...LOL.....
He showed up at son's Christmas concert but quickly left before it was over...he sat on the opposite side of the gym...I'm sure because my dad, mom, sister, brother-in-law, our future son-in-law were all over on my side...my dad would have probably slapped him if he saw him.....
Anyhow....I continue to be dark by not texting or calling or asking for anything....
T
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, It appears that you are getting a handle on the no contact/dark side of things. I think you will find that the less contact you have w/him, except business/child issues, the better. You do not need to be sucked into his drama.
As for Christmas, he most likely will not make mention of it until the last minute. They've lost all concept of time in the MLC fog. It's the here and now and they mostly certain don't think of the future. Do not change your plans for the holidays. Proceed forward and if he contacts you about visiting w/the family, set up a time and go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do really think I've got a handle on not contacting him...I've gotten over him showing concern and all that garb...he is the one missing out....the children do things every day and you can't go back...
As far as Christmas....it's set in stone...I'm not changing a thing...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
found this quote thought you all would like it....
"Only the strongest of the strong can admit that they need help, and have the courage and strength to get it."
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Ok...so I just blew via text at H....I am so ANGRY...
H picked up son to take him for a sandwich and drop him off at basketball practice...I said that was fine...even though he calls 2 seconds before he wants to do all this...and he calls our son not me...so I can't say no...
I picked S12 up after basketball practice and he tells me MIL gave him $50 for Christmas and nothing for the girls....I was livid....WTF? I immediately texted H and told him I wish she wouldn't do that because it isn't right...and her is his response...
"He's young in all this. he calls her (he doesnt but whatever)& I take him over there (last time was in July)..She feels the girls r old enough to call their grandparents..She feels she being punished cuz of us"
I responded..."first of all he doesnt call her, second its not US..its wrong..they r children no matter what..your parents have NEVER called me to ask how I was in all this..this is the first time in 31 years we didnt see you at Christmas.."
H said, "I'm speculating..call & ask her"
Treese, "no thx, ur her son..I'm the one who always reminded you to call her...was there for her when she wanted to take a bunch of pill to kill herself at 3:30 in the morning...I'm just shocked...it takes every ounce of strength I have to see u..and even more not to cry in front of the kids. (I know bad DBing, couldn't help it)...u have NO IDEA what we go through...NONE! It all frickin sucks...period!!
H said, "she wanted to give her grandson a Christmas gift"
Treese, "they're your children...defend them...it hurts me...it should hurt you....I'm not blaming you...just think you should stand up for your girls...I even told you to give your mom and dad a hug for me at Christmas....
H said, "I told em...This isn't a stand up for em situation..She is 73 and wants her gkids.."
Treese, "yes it is....WE DIDN'T GET A CHOICE in the sitch..only u..they r children who wants their family that is no longer.go figure..last time you took s12 to see them was in July..it's just one more twist of the knife..I don't want to fight about it, I just feel very strongly about this, you should have told her u couldn't exclude your girls..
That's it....I just couldn't take it anymore...I blew...I haven't in a while but he is acting younger than our kids...
where are the adults here....even his mom is acting like a child...am I wrong here about that...
My H hasn't budged from where he was 2 years ago or 10 years ago...I don't think he ever will...
He has his happiness and wonderful life and that's all he cares about....
AAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I had to vent it....sorry....had to let it out....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I understand your anger, but I think you are probably getting into a fight that you can't win. You can't control your H, and you certainly can't control his parents!
We don't know what he knew, or when he knew it. I expect that he isn't really comfortable telling them what to do. For one thing, despite everything, I imagine his parents do know that what he has done is wrong. I would not be shocked if he kind of avoids them, as well.
Treese, it's better to not let him in your head, rather than to let him mess it up! What happened wasn't "fair", but there's really nothing you can do about it. Don't let it mess with you.
