Bad idea?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It is December 7th, and you have children. Unless you do not celebrate the holidays, start looking/snooping after the holidays are over. For you and your children. I do not suggest burying your head in the sand, I am saying look when you can afford the mental damage if it is true.

PS - Flowers...bad idea. She wants space, give it to her.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If you are looking for justifications to send the flowers you'll end up sending the flowers. But you asked for advice.

[TrentC]

She could see the changes I made, but thinks it's too late. 11 years takes a lot to undo. She needs this time apart to realize what she has.

But she has had a year and a half, right? Has there been a softening of her position over that time, or has it been "too little, too late" the whole time?

If there has been real progress over that period, then maybe it needs more time. Then again, maybe you need to tell her:

"I feel that our relationship can work, if we are willing to work on it together. But we've been apart for over a year now: I can't wait forever for you to decide. Therefore, I'm going to file for divorce."

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I understand giving her room. I understand the implications of an affair. If she is not having one, couldn't prolonged no contact make it easier to drift apart. Couldn't this even lead to an affair, if she thinks I've moved on completely and is lonely

So you can see how I might feel it is different.

I do not belong to the "What difference does it make?" school, in case you couldn't tell. I think a left-behind spouse (LBS) has to make their OWN assessments about what they feel are LEGITIMATE marital complaints, and then do their own work. I say "legitimate" because the "re-writing of marital history" is a classic gaslighting technique for cheating spouses.

If I was sure my wife were NOT having an affair, and if I truly believed that my own distance, disinterest or neglect were LEGITIMATE prior marital complaints, I would NOT recommend the "Going Dark" technique. I think it would be exactly the LAST thing you'd want to do.

HOWEVER, if you do the the things necessary in such a situation, and they ARE cheating? Then you're going to be perceived as WEAK, PURSUING and "needy/grabby" -- none of which will be effective.

That's why you need to verify, and by "verify" I DON'T mean asking the spouse you suspect of being wayward, because if they ARE cheating, they will only LIE to you. All cheaters lie -- PERIOD.

"Trust; but verify."

-- Ronald Reagan


Puppy

[Greek]

I'm sure it's possible. I wouldn't be surprised. How does this play into what I should do? If she is with someone else, she is with someone else. I don't know. I won't know until she puts it out in the open. How does this change my course of action? As of right now, I don't BELIEVE she is.

Jeff~~~
Where's the passion, friend???? I've been reading you today and my first and remaining impression is "Does this guy want his W or not?"

Greek

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And yes, it can wait until after the holidays. You've waited this long.

[jeffde23]

She has gone back and forth divorce-separation-staying together every couple of months. As recently as September she said we were going to stay together. Then in November she said she wanted a divorce and moved out. She wants to file for divorce immediately, but is holding off until I can improve my financial position. I have the kids but it will be 50/50. I make substantially more, so there will be child support

[jeffde23]

I do have passion. I want her back. Over a year and a half, constant rollercoasters of emotion have led to realism. I need a plan. I tried the constant flood of attention, affirmation, notes, etc. It didn't work. I'm resigning myself to the fact that maybe nothing will. I do not want to give up. I do want to figure out my next move

[Greek]

It seems to me your next moves should include saying "enough" of this limbo - either get into counseling with me to reconcile or I'm divorcing you. What a deal you've given her - she gets to live on her own, you foot the bill, and she gets to drag you around until she is ready to make a decision. Why is she calling all of the plays, Jeff?
Greek

[jeffde23]

I don't need justification to send flowers. I see that consensus says it is the wrong move. I'm just wondering what the next move is. Hope? Snooping?