"what should I prepare/protect for? You are getting me worried... "
The idea behind having know all the details is that it somehow opens up the communication between the "couple". This is a healthy idea and has some merit. Most of the time it does not work like that. Even if the "cheating" spouse comes 100% clean how do you know they are being 100% clean? Basically what I am asking is where does it "stop"? There was a woman that posted here some time back.. I believe her screen name was Pebbles.. She had found out about her H sleeping with her neighbor. She got all "pictures". We talked for a long time as I was separated from "Jenny" at the time. She just kept saying I can't get over the images in my mind.. but I wanna move forward. Of course I just kept reaffirming that she needed to "get over" it if she ever expected move forward. Towards the end of our time talking she said she wished she had never seen the "pictures". Again this goes back to the things we think we want.. are not always the best things for us. If you go down this road make sure you have a plan with what to do with the information. Really think this out. You know he had an affair.. and all the things that go along with that. I just still question why you need all the "gory" details to help you deal with it. Or how.. it will help you deal with it?
"IF I had felt "sexy" I would have kissed him back, teased him and would have given him something to think about..."
You used the words.. If and I and "sexy". You have not stopped being "sexy" because he cheated on you. You stopped feeling "sexy" because you are letting your mind beat you down. Remember "spinning"? I understand it is hard.. but can you see why he says he gets mixed signals? If you had played the "sexy" card and been "coy" you would not have been left with "I tried to smooth that out by hugging him tighter but... I didnt feel anything." Yes I am nit picking a bit.. but I want you to see that it is the small things that are more important.
"Everything that happens feels sooooooo important right now."
Any small thing should be celebrated more than grand confessions. If your life resembles something like what a lot of people "here" go thru.. the "grand confessions" are some time off. Remember start small.. and build from there.
"I am constantly looking for evidence of his love, proof that he is cheating, questioning his motives, doubting his intentions, wondering if he means what he says/does, etc etc..."
Seems to me you are waiting on him.. to feel loved. That usually does not go well. Our expectations are usually not met.
"Will need to distance myself without "distancing myself". Tricky..."
Yes. And yes it is "Tricky".
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
