-Do my best and remember I can't control H or the outcome. Prepare emotionally for either outcome. -This is movement and movement is good. Coming out of limboland. -H must try too. -Remember DB begins with where I am now - I want to repair, H (claims) he doesn't or doesn't believe we can. I can still DB. -I can choose how to respond to my resentment. I'm working on forgiveness while still holding him accountable. -Boundaries are to rebuild trust.
Another abusive argument this morning. I am finally seeing how H tries to bait and attack me. I tried to set a boundary. That's where I'm starting MC today.
I heard S crying "ow" when I woke up so I went in to ocmfort him. H says sarcastically "thanks for nothing."
I felt put down, because I didn't mean to do anything wrong. I asked for clarification "What do you mean?" H stonewalls. I asked him to please not say a comment if he doesn't want to explain - we can talk about it later. H angrily: "We talked about this last night! I thought you would know what I meant!" We had talked about six topics in anticipation of MC, so i was unclear. H storms off, sulks and says he will not talk.
H returns anyhow: "S needs to eat now or will be late for school!." (I know this - I get him ready most days, I feel ordered around, like I'm being talked down to). I reply, "I know, I was just asking him what he wanted for breakfast." H says sarcastically, "I didn't ask you what you said to him!" I'm confused.
I bring S to table for breakfast. H threatens: "Since you seem to be doing everything, I'll just let you do it all and leave." I say calmly, "No, this is your morning - you said you would get him ready. I do not want to discuss discipline in front of S." H continues to raise his voice and threaten "NO! You will do it, I need to go!" So I stand up for myself, "No, our agreement was that you will take him. I will not discuss this now." (boundary)
I go into my room and close door. H follows me in shouting. I continue to say "Stop it, I do not want to talk about this now in front of S." H continues to raise voice. He accuses me of "taking 20 min. holding S when he only has 10 min to get to work."
I had held S for 5 or 10 min. because he said he wanted mommy, as far as I could tell there was still 30 min. to get S to school. I literally plugged my ears until he stopped. It was awful.
It breaks my heart that this in front of S. I don't know what to do to make it better for him.
I notice that H got S ready for school calmly and quietly after that.
If H felt I was interfering with his discipline or schedule, he could have simply said so calmly and respectfully. Like, "S is fine, he is just trying to get your attention. We need to move him along because my time is short. Can you please help me get breakfast for him?" And it would have all gone smoothly.
I am finally seeing the games H plays. The problem is I don't know how to make it better (for me, but especially for my S who is the vicitm here).
I expect if I bring this up in MC today, I will get blamed, stonewalled, and not heard. I feel if we both work on changing abusive communication patterns to healthy ones, we could get our marriage on track. But I don't know how to be heard. Even if we D, this is a critical component. It's also why I fantasized leaving H for a year before he left me.
I'm not perfect either I do some really stupid stuff when I get upset. But it has to stop! And I just don't know how to get through to H when he's so justified that I'm always to blame and he doesn't have to do anything.
