I can end your suspense: you will ALWAYS miss the old-H in some way. Even if you were to reconcile, you will miss the old-H. The end of an M kills the old R. It is gone, past, to be mourned, to be loved, to be missed. Just like your mother, you will always miss some part of the M, some part of old-H. It will always be sad that things did not work out. Even if you wind up with a new better life, and a husband you love much more and much better, there will always be a loss, there will always be sadness about it. But, like I said, this is hardly unique to divorce. We mourn all sorts of losses in our lives. Those losses stay sad. Look, I am HAPPY that I got D. I am much much happier in my life, happier with my husband, in a much better place in pretty much every way. And, it is still sad that I lost my M of 17 or 18 years, that I no longer have the R with the person I grew up with (except that we couldn't really grow up when we were together). IT IS SAD.
I can tell you also that no matter how you want your life to go, assuming that you want it to go well, right now there is only ONE WAY to go. Let go, stop making your choices contingent on what XH may or may not do, and make a great life for yourself.
You think not detaching earlier affected your chances? Maybe, if there was a chance, but it seems that your H was long gone before you knew. But not detaching now certainly will continue to affect your chances -- your chances of having a good life, your chances of having a more normalized co-parenting R with XH, your chances of attracting a good partner into your life, whoever that might me...
You are still waiting for XH to heal you, to rescue you. That is still pure and simple codependence. What about your codepenents group? And why do you never respond when I ask?
