Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[SoldierDad]

Coach, is it normal for WAS to be the one to actually file? It seems as if she has done just that. I replied with what you wrote-classic. Thanks.

[SoldierDad]

W replied back with "Please send to me they forget". Well, I didn't think she would do it, but it appears she has. Well, gotta get my smiley face ready for when it happens. Hope my boys will be there as well, not sure if she is planning some evil thing to do to cut me off. Guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

[antlers]

Also, being served is not the end of the road; it's a declaration of hostilities.

Yep. It is a declaration of hostilities...an intent to destroy.

[SoldierDad]

antlers, TrentC, guess I need to get my flak vest ready, and prepare for the hostilities. This isn't going to go well, is it? I am going to get called names, and told things I probably don't want to hear huh? She is going to do whatever she can to destroy me, isn't she? The OM - if there is one, is going to be my fault too. I gotta get my $hit together...

[TrentC]

antlers, TrentC, guess I need to get my flak vest ready, and prepare for the hostilities. This isn't going to go well, is it? I am going to get called names, and told things I probably don't want to hear huh? She is going to do whatever she can to destroy me, isn't she? The OM - if there is one, is going to be my fault too. I gotta get my $hit together...

The funny thing is, even though we're tossing around analogies to armed conflict, DBing is as much about negotiation and dialogue as anything.

If she tries to attack you verbally, defuse the situation with validation. It's hard to fight with someone who agrees with you. When in doubt, reply with something like "I'm not sure how I feel about that; let me think about it and get back to you."

Don't let her blame you for the OM; being hurt and alone may not be her fault, but choosing to seek comfort with OM was.

[MichelleLT]

Wow. Things just went downhill over the weekend.

She's deep in the fog.

Take the high road. Be the better person. And most importantly, be a good parent.

The rest will sort itself out in time, one way or the other.

Act, don't react. Don't give her the satisfaction. And don't give her any ammunition she could use against you in a custody battle.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Coach, is it normal for WAS to be the one to actually file? It seems as if she has done just that. I replied with what you wrote-classic. Thanks.

SD,

I've noticed that a lot of your posts contain some version of this "is this normal?" question, or "why is she doing this?" Although these are perfectly UNDERSTANDABLE questions, I'm a little concerned that you're STILL totally freaked out at this point. If NO ONE BUT COACH posted to you AT ALL, you'd be in great hands. You're going to be okay, and so are your kids.

Besides, it doesn't really matter whether it's "normal" or not; you're still better served by doing the things that you're being coached to do, whether your wife's case is "typical" or a-typical. (for the record, I think it's VERY typical, but maybe just to a slightly ratcheted-up degree)

You need to try to calm down. I'm not criticizing -- it's just one person's observation -- but I'm concerned that your state of mind is going to hinder you from doing the challenging tasks that lie ahead, if you don't get it together very soon.

Respectfully,

Puppy

[Coach]

Are you worried you might get served papers getting off the plane or heading to the car?

Have a buddy meet you with at the airport with a camera/camcorder. You will want pics of you hugging the boys. You will also have pics to give your lawyer if you get served. Have a camera handy in case she starts something. Will it help? Don't know or care. It's just you not showing up at a gunfight with a knife.

[mulesqb]

Hey SD, Coach asked me to drop in. Forgive me as I haven't had a chance to read the full thread but I think I have the gist. First thing I want to say is that this brings back many, many memories. When I read your writing I see a lot of myself in your demeanor. I remember being completely blindsided by XW's behavior, attitude, lies, etc.. It took me a while to get over that and focus on what's important...the KIDS..I know you are caught up head first in what she is doing and must be very difficult for you being away while all this is going on. I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you.

But right now your W is not the person you married, but your kids are the kids you had with her and they need your guidance. They are living in a lawless home right now with someone who is demonstrating the maturity of one of their peers. So please do me a favor and concentrate on those kids. Your posts seem very chaotic and hysterical at times. Please drop that. I can guarantee you that your boys look up to you and right now they need that desperately from a parent, and I promise you that if you handle it correctly they will form a bond with you that will last forever. At their ages, they see and hear a lot more than they should, and also understand it. Scary stuff for them to be exposed to. That's why you need to step up and be the leader of that family. When I came to that realization my attitude was that I was going to lead the boys down the right path and XW can either jump on board or continue on her path to self destruction. You must realize that is her choice. You can't change her mind, you can't talk her into it, it is something she must figure out. Unfortunately, mine did not. If you had a few hours to read I would go into how well that worked out for her. But that's for another day. For now, please get a hold of yourself. Strategize on the best way to lead your boys down the right path. The best way I know is to lead by example. You can't get your W out of this but you can protect your boys. Please focus on that. It will also help you immensely.

I still think everyone needs their own personal theme to grab onto. Because this is the hardest thing you will ever do. Coach leaned on the Stockdale Paradox. That worked for him. For me, it was Strength and Honor and my 3 boys. No matter how hard things got (and believe me, some of it is truly unbelievable) I always told myself Strength and Honor, especially when I felt myself about to act of character. My 3 boys needed me to do that, just as your two need you. My youngest son once heard me say it to myself out loud and the 3 of them started using it themselves.

I think you have to get out of your DBing mindset right now. When the kids are being affected DBing becomes secondary. Being their Dad and not her DBing Husband is the most important thing you can do for your family right now. It's a huge responsibilty, but you can handle it.

The toughest part for me was detaching. It feels unnatural because this is the woman you love and you want to be there to help her. But trust me, if there was one thing I could go back and do over, it would be to detach earlier. Setting boundaries and taking care of the boys and yourself is your mission now. Don't leave that house, whatever you do. If you want any type of residential custody, do not leave. And if you W tries to bait you into doing something so she can call the cops, whisper Strength and Honor to yourself and walkaway. Don't give her the opportunity. Be above her and her behavior. I will definitely try to check back in. I have to go pick my oldest son up from school right now.

So hang in there, refocus your energy and be that strong leader your boys need. You can handle it.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Puppy - LOL! you don't look a day over 45. Now Coach on the other hand, that's a different story!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hiya Mules!!!!

btw, SD is deployed overseas, so "not leaving that house" is kinda moot right now. That (not being there) is a huge part of his frustration.