Love spell? I tried one of those, seriously. Didn't work.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
"what should I prepare/protect for? You are getting me worried... "
The idea behind having know all the details is that it somehow opens up the communication between the "couple". This is a healthy idea and has some merit. Most of the time it does not work like that. Even if the "cheating" spouse comes 100% clean how do you know they are being 100% clean? Basically what I am asking is where does it "stop"? There was a woman that posted here some time back.. I believe her screen name was Pebbles.. She had found out about her H sleeping with her neighbor. She got all "pictures". We talked for a long time as I was separated from "Jenny" at the time. She just kept saying I can't get over the images in my mind.. but I wanna move forward. Of course I just kept reaffirming that she needed to "get over" it if she ever expected move forward. Towards the end of our time talking she said she wished she had never seen the "pictures". Again this goes back to the things we think we want.. are not always the best things for us. If you go down this road make sure you have a plan with what to do with the information. Really think this out. You know he had an affair.. and all the things that go along with that. I just still question why you need all the "gory" details to help you deal with it. Or how.. it will help you deal with it?
"IF I had felt "sexy" I would have kissed him back, teased him and would have given him something to think about..."
You used the words.. If and I and "sexy". You have not stopped being "sexy" because he cheated on you. You stopped feeling "sexy" because you are letting your mind beat you down. Remember "spinning"? I understand it is hard.. but can you see why he says he gets mixed signals? If you had played the "sexy" card and been "coy" you would not have been left with "I tried to smooth that out by hugging him tighter but... I didnt feel anything." Yes I am nit picking a bit.. but I want you to see that it is the small things that are more important.
"Everything that happens feels sooooooo important right now."
Any small thing should be celebrated more than grand confessions. If your life resembles something like what a lot of people "here" go thru.. the "grand confessions" are some time off. Remember start small.. and build from there.
"I am constantly looking for evidence of his love, proof that he is cheating, questioning his motives, doubting his intentions, wondering if he means what he says/does, etc etc..."
Seems to me you are waiting on him.. to feel loved. That usually does not go well. Our expectations are usually not met.
"Will need to distance myself without "distancing myself". Tricky..."
Yes. And yes it is "Tricky".
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I dont know if it is really possible for a couple to get over infidelity. I have an example in my life, a case much worse than ours, but I really dont know how the woman did it.
It's done by many people. My cousin's did it. They are in their 70's. He had an affair decades ago. They split and got back together. He is now slowing dying of an Alzheimer's-like illness and she has cared for him all the way thru it until recently when he had to be placed in a skilled facility. She loves/loved him. He...made amends and did the work.
No one expects you to forget what he did. No one expects that you won't wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats and graphic images in your mind. It's what HE shows you when that happens that will assuage your fears, or not. A man who loves you will hold you and reassure you and love you.
Having been where you are, I know the pain and the big canvas we paint in our minds of those torrid nights. I know. This is still fresh Kalni and it doesn't go away in a few weeks/months. Healing takes a long time. Although I have (and maybe still have) huge doubts that the damage done by your H is repairable, I DO see positives and I don't post that word on everyone's thread. In fact, I refrain from saying it including the word 'babysteps'.
Many people throw that word around and it's a bunch of BS. I see people writing that 'my S took me to pick up my car today'...or...'they gave me a card'...or 'sent me a pleasant email'....and thread supporters are quick to post that 'reconciliation is just around the corner'. Balderdash. It's guilt as they head to the exit door.
True babysteps are expressions of love and desire. They are apologies for damage and efforts to be with you. They are requests for help to be with you and repair the marriage. They are moments of intimate contact...a hand extended to hold yours....a kiss...and embrace.
I rarely, if ever see it here...but...I think...I think....I'm seeing something here.
I think.
The ball is in your court Kalni. Honestly, I am not sure because although I can speak a little Greek, I don't live there and have never met you or your H. NO ONE here has. Only YOU can see the expression in his eyes or hear the inflection in his voice. Only you can see if he fidgets when he says he wants back or looks deeply in your eyes, allowing you to see into his soul and see sincerity.
Only you.
Allowing him back in is a risk. There IS a risk of you being hurt again. But...life is about risk. You have many questions to ask yourself and now you must rely on the NEW Kalni:
-do you love him?
-is he sincere and doing the work?
-does your marriage still have value to you?
-if happiness comes from within ourselves, can YOU be happy with this man again? do you PREFER to be with him?
Sagapo.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Positives: -Even in the deepest of his affair he NEVER wanted/asked for a divorce: to me that sounds like he was always attached to me in some strong way -Even the year he moved out, when there was NO idea of reconciling in his head, he didnt introduce her to anyone (apart from 2-3 people that were outside our circle of friends/family). The ones on the business trips with them, never KNEW but I am sure they guessed... -From HER emails, I know she tried every trick in the book to get him to move in with her and take the next step, nowhere did I read he agreed, on the contrary, she was getting upset because he wouldnt even sleep with her on weekdays he didnt have the kids with him -Their A quickly lost it's shine when he moved out of our home. I think the kids' reaction and my DBing helped to "ruin their moment". That makes me feel more secure, I like to think of her as someone that "served her mean purpose but he is done with her now" -Our R was at a very low point when she came along. Both of us were tired, disapointed, fed up and completely detached. It wont be difficult to avoid feeling so bad, we were hitting bottom. -Both our families wants us back despite of what happened. Both families recognise that it is my right to refuse to reconcile if I choose to
Since last years' fake reconciliation : -He seems relieved -He doesnt use words such "I am not sure how I feel etc". He repeats he KNOWS what he wants (me!!) he doesnt know how to treat me the way he has hurt me -He is VERY receptive to my efforts to discuss "her/A" with me. For a man that has a hard time talking about normal things, he sure is surprising me. I dont do it more than once every 2 weeks but when I do, he answers. -He repeats he understands my position and my feelings -When I broke down, he was very tender and supported me -When he is with us, he IS with us. He is more tender and affectionate than he was last year -He recognises the need to talk to someone and admitts he is blocked -He has no problem dealing with friends and family that know what happened. As if he silently admitts his mistake and faces them since he wants to be a family again -He has initiated dates 3 times so far and once I denied cause I was too tired -He bought me a nice purse for my nameday -He insists he has NC with her -He talks about future plans when I allow it. Like changing "our" car, traveling etc -He shares with me his work issues (to the point I am bored!) -He has started asking about ME and my work (after I once sent him a message saying "my work is going fine, thanks!!" without him asking - LOL -He seems to be aware when I am drifting to dark places and asks me what's going on, etc Which subsequently, shows me he cares about how I feel ... and probably a few more positives that I am forgetting
Negatives -She is not done with him -The trust is gone -His credibility non existent -His work schedule is crazy -He seems very confident in his life which scares me -He hasnt yet given me passwords, blocked her emails, told her to f@ck off -He is not wearing his rings. I actually understand that, but I wish he would do it just to show me... I am not asking him to -No desire for intimacy. I dont know what will happen after his doc apt. Not sure I want it either -He doesnt seem to need the evolution of what we are doing. Like he hasnt talked about coming back home or anything. I know I play a role in this cause I am negative and cautious and dont leave room for that but he seems to be perfectly happy with it anyway -He hasnt opened up about his feelings over all this at ALL!! A few sentences here, a few there. Nothing more. -Sometimes I think he has settled with me since he ddnt manage to be without me (if you knwo what I mean)
And of course there are more, but I think these are enough...
My goal, is to ask for passwords etc and if see if he accepts. Depending on how that goes, I'll bring up him moving back home with us. Not anytime before the holidays though. I am NOT in a hurry. K
-do you love him? I have feelings for him Frank, I wouldnt be doing this otherwise. Not easy to FEEL LOVE under all this hurt
-is he sincere and doing the work? If I thought he was sincere that would mean I trusted him right? And we know I dont. And I dont even trust my ability to tell if he is sincere or not. He is doing SOME work.
-does your marriage still have value to you? My M still has value to me, yes.
-if happiness comes from within ourselves, can YOU be happy with this man again? do you PREFER to be with him? I honestly dont know. Prefer to be with him? If I stay with him now, it will only be because I love him, I dont need him, we established that a long time ago, right? I am working on that last one still Frank...
I believe it is possible to get past an A in a marriage. I did it. I too had intimate knowledge (thank you Skype history) of thiings they did together.
I had to seperate it. Now, my story doesn't end in reconcillation... but I am saying that I did get over it. If H had kept doing the work it would have been fine. But my H is not done driving the crazy train (MLC) so it was time to for me to get off.
Everyone makes a mistake in life... not everyone deserves another chance. I felt my H did so I gave it to him. I battle the ghost of the OW for awhile but had to let her go. It was hard and she may be back for all I know but I never regret giving it a 2nd shot. I now know there is nothing I can do to save my marriage. It takes two, not one. My H is not the one anynmore.
I see some inconsistent signs from your H and you as well. Your both so that is confusing to both of you. My H and I never had the sexual intimacy problem that you are having so I have no advice there. It did get in my head a time or two during and that was ok and we worked thru it. But then I would be ok for awhile.
I see some good things and bad things ... you have to make up YOUR mind if you want to pursue this. Get off the fence one way or the other.. It's not healthy for you. This has been going on for months with this last issue. Time to push the issue.. especially with the passwords and such.
I pray for your family K, I pray it works out for the best for all of you.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
My babygirls' Birthday today! She is now 7 years old. And I love her sooooooo much. Sometimes I think I am in love with her. And after everything that happened, I think I will be of good use to her when she grows up and has love problems (if she has love problems).
It is also my wedding anniversary. Year 9. H had an affair before we were in year 6. So, if we were to celebrate, which year would be celebrating? Tricky huh? Year 9, or year 6, or year 1 again? Dont know and it doesnt matter because we arent celebrating. H called and said "Happy many years" for us and our D. He is working tonight at the Champions League game and we probably wont see eah other at all. I am used to that. K
