He has had no insight into how I feel or any other part of my life for a very long time, due to going dark...I think the last time I got emotional with him was in the spring, but spoke with him afterward and explained that I just wanted to fix things for the kids, that I knew it was over. I think a mutual friend told him a while back that I was fine and moved on with my life. Seems that is what he has hoped for - he is happy, and hopes that I will find my own happiness someday.
I've done so much for myself in these past years - certainly not sitting around, but yes, waiting. Pushing forward and waiting. One foot in front of the other and waiting. Surviving. I've written about this in the past, I know. How I have a good life, full, so full that I can't even imagine how to squeeze a new love interest into it (if I had any interest in the first place - I have tried, on match and eharmony, some dating a while back). I have created a life that I am happy with - except for that huge, gaping hole.
The question is, HOW do I stop feeling what I feel? I can't deny that it is there. Maybe it is a matter of time...or maybe it will always be there and I should just get used to it. I am exasperating to myself.
