Thanks K. I know that is part of why I'm feeling the way I am. It's also why I've been trying really hard to change my thinking whenever the darkness creeps into my mind.
As if things couldn't get any weirder, I decided that I was going up in the attic no matter what and getting at least a few things down. I had just gone around the house to get the ladder from the back and had brought it in the garage when Gabe pulled up out front. No call, no warning. He just showed up. Marc had told him earlier that I was going to work on the decorations today and he had offered to come help get them down if I wanted but I had told him that I would call him if I discovered I couldn't do it. Supposedly he had to get something at wallyworld and he decided to stop by the house to see if I needed any help and to see Marc. Yeah right. There is a walmart in his city so he had no need to come to mine. Anyway, he asked if I wanted help since he was there and I wasn't about to refuse. We chatted, he got all the boxes down and the tree and then decided that Marc really needed to clean out the gutters while he was there to supervise especially since it is going to rain again in a couple of days and they looked clogged. OK...................
It just seemed strange. I didn't feel weird having him here, it was nice to have the help, it was great to have Marc's dad here getting him to do stuff that I repeatedly ask him to do and can't get him to cooperate with.
When he left he touched my arm and told me to have fun decorating. That's when it hurt. He got in the car and left and I came in the house but my arm was tingling where he had touched it. Now I'll say this before you all jump on my case, I don't think it was because it was him that touched my arm, I think it was just that a man touched my arm in a kind way. I haven't had any man who is not a family member touch me in any way in 2 years. It unnerved me and now has me pondering the subject.
Strangeness......
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I got all the decorations up except my outside lights. It was too dark to do that today. I have it on my very LONG list for my furlough day Tuesday.
Last year after Christmas I bought some of those clips that attach to the gutters on the house to hang lights from. I hope I can figure out how to do that without falling off the ladder!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You sound good, but like you are getting more worn down...
Communities are created precisely because we need to lean on each other sometimes. What communities can you tap for help with your mother? You might want to check your area for support groups also -- support groups for kids caring for elderly parents, support groups for caregivers of chronically ill people, and so on. Yes, these groups also take your time, but I guess it would probably be time very well spent... Worth a try anyway, and maybe you'd find people to share adultsitting duties with... Also, if your Mom is in decline, are you sure she wouldn't qualify for more in-home support from whatever insurance she has? What about her friends who are in better shape, can they visit?
Drive by Hugs Mish. Once you resign yourself to a non-sexual status (Goldey sighs) it feels weird when that stuff shows up out of the blue. Pondering can be good. Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
You sound good, but like you are getting more worn down...
Definitely worn down OT. You know, I tell myself that I 'shouldn't' be so tired. I got plenty of sleep last night, I even ate breakfast this morning instead of just having coffee, but I'm still feeling exhausted. It must be mental exhaustion which isn't so easy to get around. There is a bit of frustration with my mom but it's more fear for her. She is back to feeling just as bad as she did before she went to the hospital. I feel like it's my fault. That I'm not taking good enough care of her and that is why she is declining again so rapidly. She doesn't eat like she should because I'm not home to fix it. I make her food when I'm there but then she won't eat so much of the time because she feels like she's going to throw up. I did order a nutritional drink through the pharmacy that is made specifically for renal patients. Made by the people that make Ensure but triple the price of course. $125 for a case of 24 nearly killed me! She is paying for it, but I've got to shop around to find it cheaper next time. If she didn't need it so quickly I would have shopped around now.
Yes, I'm aware that I can't take full responsibility for her health. I'm not a qualified care provider, I can only be there so much or we will be homeless. My logical mind tells me the reality, my subconscious enemy though brings all of these feelings of inadequacy up. At least I understand that much now and am learning to deal with it.
I have to share another fabulous blessing with you all!!!!! I forgot to post it last week!
One of the Atlanta radio stations has been doing a "Beauty Boost". They asked people to go to their website and fill out an entry form and submit it to them along with a picture describing why you deserve a 'boost' this Christmas. They were giving 250 people free services at an appointed time at a salon up at Phipps Plaza in Buckhead (very posh place). The boosts are scheduled for a day that I already had planned for a vacation day so I thought I'd apply and see what happened.
I WON ONE OF THE SPOTS!! I'm scheduled for a cut, style and color on 14DEC at 10:15a! Also, 1 out of every 10 people scheduled will be given a $250 gift card to a department store. BLESSINGS ABOUND!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mishka! How fantastic winning that! What are you going to have done?
Don't beat yourself up for being exhausted, with mental exhaustion it doesn't matter how much sleep you have. Try and give yourself a break, easier said than done I know.
Mish - Regarding your mom...there is only so much you can do, as you said - you have two jobs and a son, too. What did the social worker from the hospital set up with you and your mom for when you got home? Does your community have a Visiting Nurses organization? You need someone in more than 2x/week. I know it is incredibly hard to face, but your mother might need more experienced, around-the-clock care, such as assisted living.
Now, the blessings - I am SO excited for you about that! Please make sure to send us all a pic in the alt!!
This will take a lot of trust on my part, but I'm going to just put myself in their hands and let them do whatever they think will compliment the most. Shorter, more layered, whatever color except blond (washes me out totally), and easy to care for. Those are my only requests.
She definitely needs someone in more than 2x a week. This is what the social worker set up which is all Medicare will pay for. She has no other insurance so she is stuck. I can't afford to put her in assisted living and she has nothing. The recession practically emptied her IRA and she has about $2000 in her savings account that she has earmarked for her funeral. Such a happy topic.
I have called several organizations but none of them have a spot available as their volunteer forces are greatly diminished right now.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
$125 for a case of 24 nearly killed me! She is paying for it, but I've got to shop around to find it cheaper next time. If she didn't need it so quickly I would have shopped around now.