CG, thank you for explaining your position. I respect that.
I disagree basically for two reasons:
1.
Quote:
I simply feel that each marriage must be managed by the two people in it or who used to be in it and it's not up to anybody to "tell" another spouse what is going on. It will come out, it always does.
The problem I have with this is that for every month the affair is allowed to continue, there is further emotional, mental, financial and even medical risk and damage to the betrayed spouse's families. Doing everything within one's power to bust an affair in two or three months, vs. the 6-12 months they they average if allowed unfettered, causes further damage that isn't necessary, and if one chooses NOT to expose, then I believe you share somewhat in the complicity for that damage. Cheating spouses do do all kinds of crazy things, you said so yourself in listing reasons NOT to expose. So if a spouse drains the family's accounts of funds in Month 4, how are you going to feel that you didn't expose them in Month 1? If you catch and STD (or worse) in Month 6, or -- more to the point of what we're discussing here -- the OM/OW's spouse catches and STD -- how will you feel then, if you MIGHT have been able to help prevent it?
2.
Quote:
It is my opinion that two people in an affair will continue to have the affair no matter what.
First of all, evidence simply doesn't back that up. Many people in affairs DO run for the hills when they are confronted and exposed, like roaches scurry when you turn the garage lights on. Men, especially, will often cave in when their wives confront them, and they ponder the professional and financial loss that awaits them if they continue in the affair. Secondly, I decided that that passive attitude just wasn't ME. If I was going to err, I decided very early on in my sitch that I was going to err on the side of doing SOMETHING. I wasn't just going to sit idly by and try the "Little Bo-Peep" approach of "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them."
I don't expect us to agree, but I at least wanted to explain my position further. It's a very difficult decision, that everyone has to answer for themselves. I will leave you with two add'l thoughts, however, one already stated and one new:
1. I already said this, but I just think that the OM/OW's spouse shouldn't be the ONLY one of the four impacted, to NOT know what is going on, so that they can make whatever decisions they feel is best for themselves and their family.
2. In my years on this forum and others, and in studying literally THOUSANDS of affairs, I would estimate that the number of people who regret NOT being more aggressive (intel, confronting, exposure, financial/legal) out-number those that wish they had been LESS aggressive, 20-to-1.
